livingforrecovery

I am so thankful that this year is over. I need to use the new year as a way to get out this murky water. I feel like I have been drowning, swallowing heaping barrels of mud.... and it all started in March 2006. Sometimes one decision can change your life, this time it was for the worst. I hope to get past this, and once again I must turn to writing for guidance, comfort, insight, and clarity (hopefully). See you next year!

De-nile is no longer just a river in Egypt, but the planet I have obviously been inhabiting for a long time now. I am seriously in danger of sacrificing all the hard work I went through in losing weight in the first place. I have size 12 clothes that are too tight! That is so depressing! Stretch denim, too tight!?!? I feel so awful. Just before I came here to post I read the comments from my last entry, and the one that said my entry was motivational was so nice, but seriously people... I am far from being motivated let alone able to help anyone else. I don't know what to do. Well I know what I need to do, but I feel so bad about myself that I am finding it difficult to focus.

There is no better time than now to stop stuffing my face with hot chips. I am sick of looking at all the clothes that don't fit me. It is seriously depressing. I was wondering what I should do with all the size 10's that are lingering around taunting me. I have decided that I will keep them for now because if start doing something about this and stop crying about it, they may fit me again by March or April. Did you know that I weigh what I did two years ago? Maybe I have already mentioned that? I ate so much on Christmas day that I felt like I had put on a dress size, I fully expected my new size 12 shorts I got from Suzanne to not fit me anymore, but they did thankfully still fit. I am very sad with the state of my body. The past 3 days I have been doing absolutely nothing expect eating, drinking, and being LAZY. The last 6 months I have been so focused on other bullshit that I have let everything get out of control. I console myself with the knowledge that I am arou

I bought some new walking shoes this weekend. Basically the others have been in desperate need of being thrown in the bin for more than a few weeks now. So really, I have no excuse not to be walking. And I mean walking! Every. Single. Day. I feel the heat of summer creeping in and I don't like it, no, not one bit. I do not have the desire to see myself in my bathers either... God no! Please, no!! What is the deal with Cricket? Can someone tell me? I just cannot bring myself to understand. Do you ever have songs that you just can't get out of your head no matter how much you try? Well, that is how I feel about this song by Sarah Mclachlan. This song is everything I feel and everything I am at the moment. I will Not Forget You I remember the nights when I watched as you lay sleeping your body gripped by some far away dream, And I was so scared and so in love then, And so lost in all of you that I had seen. But no one ever talked in the darkness, No voice ever added fu

I have listened to the free Think Slim cd about 4 times just before going to sleep at night. There is one part where he repeats over and over, "not hungry, thirsty, drink more water, drink more water." It is now stuck in my head. Is that a good thing? Well, it may be working because I feel thirsty all the time. But that could just be because it is fucking hot outside. Friday night was my work Christmas party. Mr. ralph and I drank far too much and were both sick. But it was a good night. It was nice to do something together. Things are on the up with us. I had a good week and think I lost weight, but I still haven't weighed myself. At the moment I am letting the way my clothes fit tell me how I am doing. I am too scared of the scale. I didn't walk yesterday because of the massive hangover, but I did get up early this morning and do some walking. I am thinking about joining the gym that is in the city so that I can go on my way home from work. But I don

Earlier this year one of the Slimming Magazines came with a cd promoting the Think Slim program . I listened to it last night. At the end of the promotional garbage is a 24 minute hypnotherapy section. I don't know how successful the program is, but I thought of ordering it ... until I saw the price. No way! I don't know if I was actually hypnotised either. I found myself not easily put under. Everything distracted me, but after it was over I did easily fall asleep. One of the main things he promotes is drinking green tea in between every meal. So I did buy some chai green tea yesterday. I actually abhor the taste of green tea but for some reason when blended with chai it is tolerable. I wonder if you still get the same benefits of the flavinoids this way? There is one thing I still don't want to do and that is weigh myself. I have no idea how much I have gained from my lowest weight, but I don't want to know either. Maybe after one week of eating right I ha

Can you believe it is 5 weeks until Christmas? I was in denial about it. It couldn't possibly be November! Then last weekend I went to a friend's house-warming party. I ended up in a conversation with one of my friend's mothers who started asking me about my family and what we normally do for the holidays, and if I miss them. Well, now I am stuck grieving for my family. I decided not to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. Every year I try to do something traditional. I cook some turkey, some kind of stuffing and some sweet potato casserole. But it never feels the same. I mean, it is over 90 degrees and the people I eat with don't even like cornbread dressing! And, I can never make the way my mother does. It is an impossible task. So I'm not doing it. Yesterday I was talking to my sister and she reminded me that the year I moved away (2002) we had to have Thanksgiving dinner early for me just so I could have mom's cornbread dressing. I'm so sick of

When I talk about my life it always seems like I come back to that word, cracked, broken, incomplete.. What does it mean to be broken? When I try to relate to other people I find it very difficult. I hide things about the way I think and feel because I know that they they will not understand or worse they may judge me. Lately I feel so isolated in my own thoughts. There is a real lonliness in that, especially since I am someone who yearns for openness. Food does not judge me. When I eat I am comforted in a way that I am not by the people in my life.

Lately I haven't been very inspired. I know I want to lose weight. I really WANT to be able to fit into my size 10 jeans and I really want to look and feel better about myself. I haven't been able to focus on it though. Somehow I make excuses and put off doing what I know I should be. I have this girlfriend who has done amazingly well with her weight. She began going to see a personal trainer at the gym and has lost at least 2 sizes. She doesn't weigh herself, she just eats when she is hungry and works out. She is looking so good that she has begun to inspire me. Summer is just around the corner really. Yesterday it was 30 degrees. I was hot and put on a t-shirt. Then I saw my arms in the reflection of a shop window and cringed. I know my arms have always been a problem for me because genetically my whole family has the same problem Before the disc ruptured in my neck I was skipping and lifting weights which had my arms really toned. But because I suffered a lot

Ok. Where the hell have I been? Getting fatter I think. It seems my half-assed efforts are not really getting me anywhere. I did the best I ever did when I was with Weight Watchers, simply because I need accountability. I want to rejoin. I may just have to bite the bullet and hand over the cash. It makes sense to do what you know works right? Ever listen to the song Stupid Girl , by Pink? When I hear it, and it gets to the end when the girl who just forced herself to throw up yells, "I want to be skinny!" I always, always nod my head in agreement. Damn, that is so sad. I want to be skinny.

I didn't do as well on Tuesday as Wednesday with my eating, but it is because we went to a lodge dinner last night. I did well and choose the Barramundi, although it was served with hollandaise sauce! It was delish! Oh it was so yummy. The major downfall of my eating was having wine. I had no willpower at all when it came to the alcohol. Sparkpeople says I should eat between 1200 and 1550 calories a day and yesterday I stayed just under that. I also walked for over an hour. I still feel like I should be doing more.

I went walking today.. and as I approached the McDonalds I thought about going in and just getting an ice-cream cone. I had not eaten yet and was starving, but I knew if I went in I would probably buy something else like a hamburger or frenchfries. I didn't do it. I resisted and kept walking. It was actually very hard to do, but I did it.

When you aren't feeling very happy with your body, the last thing you should do is go try on clothes. Does anyone else who lives in Australia find it amazing how jeans are all sized differently? In one brand/style a size 12 is loose and fits nice, in another the size 14 is too tight. So frustrating! But let us get to the good news. The report for yesterday is good. I did well for the first day, but could have exercised more. I ate 4651 KJ/1105 calories. As for exercise I walked for around 30 minutes. I should have done more. I was going to walk home from the city, but decided it was too dark and cold. During the day it was beautiful though. I am thinking pretty seriously about walking right after I finish this entry. On the writing front, I think I have a few ideas flowing. I think I will just write and worry about the details later, it seems better that way. And for those of you interested in my subject matter, it is actually going to be a novel based on bits and piec

What is the difference between an AU10 and an AU12? -Desire -Time -Effort -Commitment -Exercise -around 5 kilos give or take... That list could go on and on, but what I really want to say this: I am sick of not being able to wear my size 10 clothes! I knew this was going to happen to me. When I hovered around 67 kilos and was wearing a lot of size 10 clothes. I got burnt out. I was sick of it all. I couldn't reach 63 kilos and I literally gave up. Now I don't know how much I weigh, my guess is around 70-73. Thankfully I wear size 12 very comfortably and don't need to buy new clothes... But I want to be where I was again. I liked being thinner, I felt better. The last few months I have been in serious denial. I avoid the clothes I know I can't wear in my closet (wardrobe) and I tell myself that I am still beautiful. I'm not anywhere near as fat as I was when I moved here. Last night I ate a seafood basket when we were out. We all know what that is right?

Last night I ate Singapore noodles and fried rice from my favorite Asian place. Mr. ralph and I have been so broke for the last couple of months that spending $35 on take-away is a luxury. So we did it last night. I shouldn't have eaten the whole serve, but I did. My tummy ached from the fullness. The plan was that this weekend things will be different. I will exercise, and I will eat healthy. So this morning after being woke up by the Big Cat, Buckley twice I got my butt out of bed, put on my walking gear and hit the street. It was a cold, wet morning. I really did not want to be walking. The first 10 minutes were the hardest. Along the way I did stop a few times to look at the Salvos shop and have a coffee. Walking down the main road I went past so many temptations: a bakery, where I could smell the bread baking; McDonald's where I could smell the hashbrowns being fried in canola oil; and finally the last one, a cafe, where I stopped and ate and had my coffee. Why

I wish I could tell you guys that everything is on track and that the reason I have not been writing is because life has just been too good. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Winter is generally a crap time of year for me. I thought that this one I could get a handle on it and not have it get the best of me. I was wrong. Exercise? Who me? Eat healthy? Um no. Last night I wanted chips so mr. ralph went out at midnight and got us chips and dip and we sat in our pj's watching the England and Portugal quarter final stuffing our faces. Am I painting a pretty picture? For the most part I eat well. I do. I do not stock my house with these kinds of foods. I have learned that because I am an emotional eater, it is better if I don't. But mr. ralph is too easy. Where I won't go out and buy something at midnight, if I ask him too he will go for me. Yes, I do believe we are in a co-dependent relationship, even where food is concerned. We both eat when we feel emotional.

I should be feeling really good about myself right now. The weight is on the way down again. I only know this because of my clothes, because of course the scale is still a scary object to me right now. Tragic really. I do not want to see a number. At the moment feel like I love more than I will ever be loved. I know there is so much love that I have to give, but also that I have so much to lose at the same time because I give of myself so freely. Reminds me of one of my favorite Sarah McLachlan songs. You know which one? From Fear : But I fear, I have nothing to give I have so much to lose here in this lonely place Tangled up in our embrace There's nothing I'd like better than to fall But I fear, I have nothing to give But I fear, I have so much to lose It is so hard to give of yourself completely when you are afraid. I've been listening to my Sarah cd's a lot lately. I go through periods of time when I don't listen at all, and then I obsess and listen to e

I don't know why, but this morning I woke up early and without anything better to do I looked at photos. This is me and Sarah. We ended our friendship on some pretty bad terms, but right now when looking at this picture I remember all the good times we had together. She was one of the first women in Australia I truly felt comfortable with.

The last day of our Anna Stewart Memorial Project we were asked to create something to present to everyone that talked about our personal experience over the last 2 weeks. One of the suggestions was to write a poem. I decided to join that group, but as I was sitting there around the table with the others in my group I felt this enormous pressure to write and nothing was coming out. Everyone at the table of course remembered from earlier that I mentioned one of the things that I do in my spare time is um, write. Yesterday on the bus I had to write. I had all these thoughts and feelings swirling around... I felt compelled and I didn't have a notebook but instead wrote on the back of something I had been carrying around in my bag. Today? Nothing. I had a very interesting session with R. this week. I felt like she did all of the talking. There was so much I wanted to say, but more importantly I did not want to hear her. Although this week I have noticed that I have lost weight

Right now I am thinking about the fact that my readership has dwindled to a rare few. Why? Maybe because I stopped being serious about losing weight? Maybe because I have offended some or most? I don't know the answer. I just know you aren't reading me. Also, I am happy that I don't have anything bad to eat in my house. I could eat an entire pizza, minimum chips, and an entire bag of doritos right now. Today was a very bad day. Toast? Tangerines? Banana anyone? Oh, I forgot to mention it is the first day of my period. Being a woman totally sucks sometimes. We experience emotions that are all over the place on a normal day, then we fucking have to bleed where blood should not be, and experience CRAMPS. I mean seriously, are you kidding?

The red shoes story hits far too close to home for me. I was reading more of it last night and I of course had to stop. So sneaking things that you need when your life is not fulfilling is a bad thing? Wow. Anyway, I am sick. I haven't been working because last week and this week is the Anna Stewart Memorial Project . If you don't know what that is, it is a mentoring project for women in unions in memorial of Anna Stewart, who was an amazing union organiser. It has been very rewarding and I still have a week left of it. I've already met some pretty amazing women too. I am very grateful for the opportunity to participate in this. Did I mention I ate cake for breakfast? The excuse is Friday was Mr. ralph's 30th and his mum's neighbour made this amazing cake and sent us 3 pieces last night. I ate half of one last night and Mr. ralph left one piece and it was so good I couldn't resist. I have been very lazy this weekend, but I am sick damnit! I have a pla

hun-ger n. 1. A strong desire or need for food. The discomfort, weakness, or pain caused by a prolonged lack of food. 2. A strong desire or craving: a hunger for affection. I have been hungry for most of my life. I don't want to die hungry. For the most part my hunger is not physical. Although sometimes it is. But I know that it is easier for me to fill up with food in order to satisfy this emptiness. I know that I need to address the different forms my hunger takes, but instead I continually fall into the trap of believing I will be happy if I can just be thin. All of my problems will magically disappear. The hunger will subside if I can be a size 10. If I can look hot in a bathing suit I will no longer feel lonely. If only those jeans will fit me again. If only I didn't have such dumpy legs. If only I had a perfect body that everyone envied. I had a very good run of feeling better about myself. The exercise had a lot to do with it, but I still haven't lost muc

I still haven't finished that section. I blame it on seeing myself in the story. The explanation of what happens to her and her desire for the shoes is similar to something I am experiencing now. The writer describes it as somewhat of a famine in her life. She was psychologically starving. Having something you need be missing from your life for a significantly long time is very detrimental to the decisions you make. I felt so fat yesterday. I had one of the worst self-image days I have had in a very long time. Everything contributed to it. I wanted to wear a jacket that is now too tight, it doesn't matter that when I bought it last winter it barely fit and I knew a half a kilo more would make it too small... I also felt every inch of my jeans pushing into my skin. I hate my legs and arms. Sometimes I want to cut strips off of my body. I don't like telling people these things. I think they will look at me and think what a crazy person I am. Does anyone else ever f

I am reading this book that is absolutely incredible that R. loaned to me during our very first session. It is called, Women Who Run With the Wolves - Contacting the Power of the Wild Woman . The author's doctorate is in ethono-clinical psychology, which is a study of both clinical psychology and ethnology, the latter emphasizing the study of the psychology of groups, tribes in paticular. The book is a collection of stories that elucidate the Wild Woman relationship. Although that all sounds like quite a mouthful, the book is very insightful. I am enjoying it so much. The title of today's entry is from the last story I just read. Once I finish the chapter I hopefully will write about it for you. On Friday I went out for drinks (surprise) and somehow ended up on the topic of me and my weight-loss efforts. A few people were completely take aback that I have weighed 100 kilos. We got around to talking about how I don't know what I weigh right now, but that I want to lo

What is it that is so irresistible about potato chips? I have done well this week except for freaking potato chips! Mr. ralph had some left over from his footy night on the weekend and I had to eat them. This is why I do not buy them. Having them in my house is just too hard for me. They're so crunchy, salty, mmm lovely. And you know what I despise? Chicken Flavour. There is a reason we do not have it in America. If we did there would be no skinny people at all in the US. I am looking forward to tonight. I am starting a Thai cooking class. Yes! If there is a way to make it healthy I will find it! Tuesday night I had a mind numbing session with R. She really knows how to shake me up and make me think about things I'd rather not think about. First it feels like I am having a cup of tea with a girlfriend and we are gossiping, next thing I know she turns it all around on me and it sucks! It really does. She gave me this writing exercise to do that I attempted yesterday be

Wow, how easy is it for me to get side-tracked? This week wasn't a very successful one where my weight is concerned. Who needs a scale to know when things aren't going right? I remember a time when I was obsessed with knowing how much I weigh, and now I am obsessed with not knowing. I did want to start tracking my calories last week, but I neglected to do it. I also fell back into having lots of excuses not to go walking. In my defense I spent most of the day yesterday lying down with a hot pack on my lower abdomen, because the Gods were laughing at me. Being a woman is not always a good thing. The pain is excruciating this time. I know there is something wrong with me, but my doctor can't find anything. I am really wondering if I should not just go see a gynecologist. The main thing holding me back is money. I had a great night on Friday night going out with a co-worker who is fast becoming my new best mate. She wanted to go out for dinner so we met up after wo

I should stop starting every entry with the fact that I don't know my weight, but I feel it is necessary. I don't know it. But I know that I still have around 10 kilos I want to lose. I know this instinctively. I am considering weighing myself soonish, but I am not ready. If I weigh above 70 it will really hurt my pride. The thing is most of the time I feel really good. Yesterday I walked into the city again. Feels amazing to do that! After I was there I had a coffee and walked around a bit and then came back up through Norwood. Then mr. ralph met me for lunch. I didn't eat very healthy, but I was starving. Last night I decided it is time to start counting calories again. I am going to use SparkPeople I feel as if I am ready to do this. I have decided that I can commit myself to tracking and exercise for 2 months. I will do it. I should lose at least between 5-10 kilos. And if I don't what have I lost in time? Two months. That is all. Plus I am really re

Can you believe I still do not want to know how much I weigh? On the weekend I walked a lot again. It is becoming obvious to me that I will soon have to start walking even greater distances because it is too easy for me now to walk for 1 hour. Anyway, the good news is this wonderful woman that knew me a while ago when she worked at a cafe in the city (and I was at least 80 kilos or more) has since started working at the cafe near me that I walk to on the weekends. When she saw me this weekend she said, "Hi skinny girl!" It made my year! Me, a skinny girl? And if you are a long term reader you may remember that a while ago I bought some Adidas sports pants (the non-stretch kind) and they are a size 10. When I bought them they were tight but wearable as long as I wasn't in public. Then I lost enough that they fit. Of course I put on so much that I wouldn't have dreamt of trying to wear them.... and yet, on Monday I did! I wore them and in public! I know that I cou

I have noticed my clothes finally feeling looser again. I feel good. I haven't walked that much this week, but I do plan to walk today. I had a few drinks on Friday night and had to go to the doctor on Saturday morning. It just didn't work out for me to walk because we had somewhere to go midday... The good thing is the desire was there. I have my desire to exercise and that is awesome. Eating? Well eating hasn't been that great this weekend, but during the week I know I was doing very well. I have cut out snacks. I didn't even plan to do it really, but began only eating 3 meals a day without snacking. It works. We have been so busy at work that I don't have time to think about food. I don't know what I weigh yet. I don't want to spoil this feeling I have by seeing a number that I may not be happy with. For now I feel good. I feel like I am doing the right things, most of the time. I know I will eventually cave in and weigh-in. But I plan to ho

This long weekend has been utterly fantastic for me fitness wise. I walked every single day for at least 90 minutes. I feel very good when I am walking. I love the air on my face, I love my ipod, and I love how my legs feel when pushed. I am seriously considering taking up cycling, just for fitness of course. I would have to invest a lot in buying the bike so I don't know how soon I can do it. Mr. ralph's 30th is looming and I need ideas of what we can do that would be special for him. I have suggested we have a dress up dinner/party and use the Deadwood theme. For those that don't know it, it is old west. I love the outfits the women wear back then. I want to buy a sexy corset anyway, just for fun. ;) I really like Joanie and her hats.

You won't believe what I did today. I walked from my house into the city. This took me about 1 hour 15 minutes. I had a coffee and spent about 20 minutes resting, then I walked back home. It was raining. I pushed myself so hard that my legs and feet hurt now. But in a good way. My mood is improving. Exercise is obviously very good for the mood. The new drug seems to be doing it's job too. I don't think about food that much. This week I only ate 3 meals a day and did not snack inbetween. I ate too much yesterday though. We had chocolates at work in celebration of Easter, mr. ralph and I went to my favorite restaurant on Rundle Street after seeing V for Vendetta and I gorged. I love their food. Sigh. Then we went to this new place that serves nothing but drinks and food made from chocolate. It was yum! I had something called a chocolate espresso, that I thought would be coffee and chocolate. It wasn't. It was a thick, rich chocolatey syrup in an espress

Hello! I know. I have to stop disappearing for such long periods. I am surprised anyone is still checking for updates. Anyone delete me off their blogroll yet? *wink* On March 29th mr. ralph and I celebrated our 3rd anniversary. Sometime during that week we both came down with a cold. Also, I haven't been the best wife either. We won't be talking about this today. Even though he had every right to not want to celebrate, he planned an overnight stay in the Barossa. We went over there on Saturday afternoon and settled into a hotel room. We had a lovely dinner and a bottle of wine. We then had baths and a lovely night. It was very nice. We haven't had nights like that in a long time. It was good. It was a beginning. The following day we went to a few wineries and bought several bottles, all of which we really couldn't afford. We tried and bought a bottle of Chocolate port! It is yummy. We ate meat pies for lunch (my favorite Aussie meal!) and we then journeye

Sometimes you just need to make a decision. I have come to the conclusion that all this navel gazing really isn't getting me anywhere. Weighed myself on Friday. 73 kilos. Wow. Holy Christ! That is 7 kilos above my lowest weight to date. This gaining has gotten totally out of hand. I have to take control now. I don't want to whinge and complain anymore about how shitty my life has been, how the problems of my past creep up and bite me in the ass, but the fact is it does happen. I was coasting along and then one day *BAM*. Eating right? Counting calories/kilojules? Exercising? All out the window. But today I went for a walk. I have decided that I know what I need to do. Eating right and exercising will benefit me in this fight for my sanity. I dont know why when I start to feel the doom and gloom I give up the very things that could in fact make me feel better. Go figure. I miss my friends, Beck , Airlie , Argy . I love you guys. And everyone else I really do app

I know it seems like I am avoiding you. It is not just that I don't want to write, it is that I don't want to deal with any of this. I don't know what I weigh. I think I may find out tomorrow, or not. I have been stressed out lately. Don't know if I am depressed or just meh. Sigh. The Australian Biggest Loser program isn't as good as the US one. I haven't seen very much that actually inspires me. A lot of bitching etc. It is pathetic. I liked the idea of the show because I thought it would be helpful for those with weight problems. I don't know that it is. Things are meh all over the place. My relationship with mr ralph also needs much attention. I feel like crap. I know I shouldn't wallow. I am sorry for wallowing. But I wanted to update you on how things are going. I also have a lot of pain right now in my neck/shoulders. I am beginning to see a pattern for when I feel bad and have stress and the amount of pain I have. I also haven't

I would also like to know. What is going on with me? I am in avoidance. I weighed myself today, and it probably wasn't a good idea since for dinner last night we ate salty hot chips and dim sims. So healthy! The salt alone could be a factor, but I am way up on the scale. I am not even going to share the # with you. Why am I like this? What is going on with me? I actually have been experiencing a slump, seeping back into depression. How is that possible when I have been taking my medication? I don't know. I have been avoiding all the things that are good for me. I have not been to the physio, I cancelled my appointment with R. this week. Maybe I did that because I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to say how horribly I am doing. I wish I could say that I am feeling positive that I can change this dark mood around, but I am not.

Not one little comment about how cute he is? :( My Buckley was in a fight this morning and he has a hurt ear, neck and leg. We had to take him to the vet for injections. The poor boy has a fever and is not well! He is just like a child to us so it was hard to hear him wailing and crying while the vet cleaned him up. She had to shave the spots so we could see how deep the scratches/bites were. I am still staying away from the scale. I want to rejoin Weight Watchers but haven't really made the effort to get myself to a meeting.

I just wanted to share this picture with everyone because sometimes you just need an excuse to smile. I am sending all my love and wonderful thoughts to Airlie. Airlie you are so beautiful inside and out, and if there is anything I can do for you right now, you know my phone #. I have lost yours though! My heart goes out to you.

Yesterday was the official day of my birth. What a wonderful day I had! When I woke up mr. ralph made me breakfast in bed. It was a healthy one too: wholegrain toast, poached egg and lean bacon. What a good boy! The he gave me his pressie, a gift certificte to a bead shop in the city markets. He knew I had the day off and it was the perfect gift. I spent a few hours there making that gorgeous necklace you see me wearing in the pic. After spending some time around the city I realised I hadn't had any lunch but knew I was getting a treat to go out for dinner. And boy was it ever a treat! After getting dressed up and getting in the taxi I saw the business card of the place (mr. ralph was trying to keep it secret) as he handed it to the driver. We went to the Lenzerheide . This was my 3rd time to eat there. Talk about fantastic! We both had their special soup for a starter. It is the most delish potato/bacon soup ever made. Then I had fish and mr. ralph had some kind of stu

What a fabulous day Saturday was. Meeting Beck of course was the hightlight! She is incredible and so full of energy! We had coffee and talked and talked and talked. It was so good for me. She also gave me a box full of goodies as a b-day pressie. I was really touched. I wish I could keep her here! And Bradman! He is so adorable, you just want to squeeze him. It is hard to put into words, but Beck is a truly inspiring woman. I couldn't ask for a better friend to share this journey with, and I know that she will kick my arse into gear if I ever need it. We went into Sparkles and there was this Merilyn Monroe style dress hanging on the wall that I thought looked hot so we asked if they had any others for me to try on. All they had was one other dress and it was a small. I said, "there is no way that is fitting me!" And the girl and Beck both said, "Go try it on!" It fit. Beck took a photo. We'll have to wait for her entry to see it. I looked rea

Dear Blog, I've been avoiding you. I'm sorry. I told myself I wouldn't stop writing when things were not going well the way that other people do, but I haven't held up to my end of the bargain. I wish I could say that I have lost weight and am doing wonderful, but I can't. I'm having drinks to celebrate my 31st birthday tonight. (b-day is on Tuesday) I think I weigh more than I did on my 30th birthday. Just in case you are wondering, it is 71 kilos. Remember how I said I wouldn't let myself get into the 70's again? Well I keep losing and then gaining back the same kilo. Beck is going to be in Adelaide and I get to meet her. I've been wanting to meet her for a long time. We missed each other last year when I was in Melbourne. I am hoping that some of her positive energy she's got going on right now will rub off on me. I definitely need a pep talk and if there is anyone to give it, she's it. She is amazing. Will let you know how it g

I don't know where to begin. I didn't even want to post. My instinct tells me that because I don't want to, it may be the best thing to do. I haven't weighed myself, but I've had a few very bad days. I went out on Friday night and drank an unknown amount of gin and tonics and then I ate almost a whole bag of kettle chips yesterday. I put on a pair of my size 12 jeans that should fit and are too tight last night. Damnit! I have a lot of cute clothes that I cant go anywhere near because of about 3 kilos. This 3 kilos is doing a lot to depress me right now. I stopped tracking my calories because I don't even know how much alcohol I consumed on Friday night and who wants to know how many calories and fat are in an entire bag of chips? Not only do I feel like shit, but I can't seem to motivate myself either. I know that the way I am feeling is not new and I will work through it, but right now it feels pretty much like a death sentence. It is not that I don&#

This has been a week! With a lovely Valentine's dinner out (menu to come later) and the TOM, there will be no weigh-in today. I know we are all bitterly disappointed. But I made the decision to stay away from the scale because last night I was literally doubled over in cramps. My body chemistry can't be very normal at the moment. I think I will weigh myself in a few days, or I may just wait until next Friday. We shall see. I've also decided that I think I need to try to say on the lower end of my calorie intake. Spark People says I can have between 1200-1500 a day, but I believe I need to stay very close to 1200. Elliot (the kitten) is utterly adorable, but she loves to bite. I don't know if this is just a phase or what. I don't remember Buckley being so full of bitey goodness. She is growing on Buckley though and I have seen him licking her and he plays with her but not very rough. It is sweet.

I didn't lose any weight this week. On average I walked at least 45-90 minutes a day, and I stayed under 1500 calories on every single day except one. This is bullshit I tell you. Mr. ralph had me convinced I had built up muscles in my legs and this was the reason no movement is happening on the scale. I almost believed him until I tried on these jeans that did fit me when I weighed 68 kilos. I could button them up, but just barely and there was the overhang of flesh. The pot belly so to speak. I am so frustrated. For the past two weeks I have walked and walked, and walked some more. I have logged on to the net every day and recorded my food intake. I have been very diligent. I expected results! Okay so I didn't eat like a rabbit everyday. I did indulge in cake at work on someone's 10 year anniversary, I did have carrot cake on the weekend with my mum-in-law. I did eat a small block of chocolate ... but all of this food was accounted for. So maybe I just need to eat

My new weigh-in days are Friday mornings. This was mr. ralph's idea. I guess it will give me incentive to be better on the weekends than I have been in the past. I now weigh 70.4 kilos, this is a loss of 600 grams! It is not a lot, but I'll take anything at this point! I guess the walking is doing something! I've been keeping my food journal at spark people and I find it absolutely terrifying how much I eat on certain days. I've also noticed that the days that I am the hungriest are the days that I eat a lot of carbs like bread etc. I bought this fantastic magazine on Friday with lots of meal ideas. It is the Woman's Day Diet Extra and it is seriously a great buy. It has lots of low-fat recipes and gives you examples of a lot of popular diets out there like low GI etc. I also have new shoes. I bought some Nikes, the most inexpensive ones I could find (we don't have a lot of extra cash atm.) and it turns out they are super comfy. I'm still walking

When you begin to suspect it is time to get new walking shoes, do not wait for a rock to fall from the sky on your head before you do it. I walked for a cumulative 1 hour and 30 minutes yesterday. I so rock! Of course I am tres proud of my accomplishments. I decided to see if I could walk to the bus stop near my physio's office before work, and then decided to do it again after work. It was during the walk home that my feet started hurting. On my right foot one of my toes was seriously killing, and on my left foot I developed a blister. I knew I needed new shoes! I had noticed the soles wearing down a few months ago. I announced to mr. ralph as I walked through the door, "It is time for new shoes, my feet hurt! And by the way I've walked for an hour and a half today!" [had to throw in that for the effect] So I plopped myself on the sofa and took off my shoes flipping them over to discover that right where my little toe was hurting is a hole! I was shocked to s

Before the epiphany I had earlier this week I would judge how good my week was by what my weight was at the end of it. As of this morning I still weight 71 kilos, but this has been one hell of a terrific week. I am walking again, and enjoying it! When I woke up this morning I went for a 50 minute walk and that is totally amazing for a Sunday. I exercised every day except Saturday, and I had reasons. I went to a hen's night on Friday night and stayed up mega late chatting. I needed the rest. I over-ate yesterday, mainly because I was tired and couldn't be bothered. I had a big think about this whole weekend rubbish eating thing on my walk this morning. You can't fix the world in a day! I have to start planning ahead for the weekend BEFORE it gets here so I can control the eating/drinking better. And of course if I keep up the exercise like I have been doing since Wednesday, there is no way that I won't lose weight naturally. It will happen. I will be seeing 65 a

This is the most hilarious picture EVER. I've been laughing my arse off. I love the look on Hugo's [the ginger cat] face. In one of the comments the owner said, "Usually Hugo (the ginger cat) is the loser in battles. He was so proud that he won this one! They even posed for the picture!" Hahaha. I ate too much last night because we went to a buffet style restaurant. I'm not that worried about this. I walked yesterday and plan to walk again today. My butt, abs, back, and shoulders are all sore from my palates class.

It was more than a light bulb moment. It was awesome. I have to brag about myself because there is no one else to do it for me. As you can imagine when I saw 71 kilos on my scale two days in a row I wasn't feeling all that great. On came a montage of debilitating head talk. I don't know if anyone else is aware of their head talk, but I am really awful to myself. I call myself a fat cow, fatty, lazy, disgusting, etc. The list goes on and on. I catch myself doing it and sometimes can actually stop it, but once the words are said [in my head of course] their damage is done. I had a physio appointment on Wed. afternoon and an appointment with R. afterwards. I usually schedule them back to back so that I'm not running around every single day of the week. I had seen that they have one of those really expensive special scales that tells you your body fat percentage etc. I decided to get on this thing and find out all the dirt on myself. I couldn't believe the results.

You may have noticed that I changed the 70 to the left to 71. I don't know how it happened, but I actually gained weight this week. What is happening to me? I don't know what is going on, but the scale did say 71 two days in a row. Yes, I am at the end of my TOM and that could contribute to some of it, but a whole kilo? I looked at my calorie count from this week and I went over 1500 only 2 days, Friday and Saturday. Although I did much better this weekend than last, I still struggled with eating more on my off days than during the week. Another reason I had a horrific week was the heat. We had 4 days of over 40C in a row. Now that is just wrong. I can't handle heat very well. I did go for a walk on Saturday and when I came home thought I was going to die from heat exhaustion. Not good at all. I almost declared this week a no-weigh week due to my TOM but have decided to take it as it comes. So I weigh 71 today. Excuse my language but that number really scares the

It is common knowledge that the collective events of our past help shape who we are. Some of these events are forgotten, others burned into our memories forever. I'll never forget the day I told my parents I knew about the abuse. I had recollection for a long time before I told them. I dreaded the conversation because I feared the reaction. I didn't really want to have these memories, I didn't want this to have happened to me. It was much easier for me to not acknowledge the past. I had sought counseling a few times. When the memories first surfaced went to a catholic counseling service. They didn't charge very much and had to keep it confidential even though I still lived at home with my parents. After I started university I stopped going to see the nun, but before long found college life overwhelming and began to see the free counselor on campus. I had a habit of seeing her for a few weeks and then stopping only to start again when another catastrophe happened.

Three days back on a healthy eating plan and the scale is not going anywhere. Disgusting. I can't believe it! I can't believe I weighed myself this morning either. I know better than to do this to myself. One of the main things R. (the psychologist) said to me that I can't stop thinking about is that experts are now saying the healthiest amount of weight to loose is 1-2 pounds a month. That is under a kilo a month! Freaking A! Unbelievable isn't it? I used to beat myself up if I didn't loose that in a week. She also told me she thinks that I should aim to be 65 instead of 58 kilos. I'm still thinking that over. But somewhere The_Scale_Gods are laughing at me. You should never weigh yourself this much kids. It is not good for you. I have started using the free SparkPeople food and exercise tracker. It is similar to some other ones out there you have to pay for. So far the only thing I've tracked is food and I am keeping under the recommended ca

I am so unhappy with my result for this week. I started out really gung-ho and undid all the work on the weekend. I still weigh 70 kilos. I want so much to get past this roadblock. I know that I am sabotaging myself. The main focus of my appointment tonight with R. was talking about this issue. Why is it so hard to loose more? This is what I am thinking about. A lot of ideas were swirled around. I need to stick to my plan and especially not let the weekend eating get away from me.

I worked hard all week. I had a great week with very good eating! I honestly did. But I am starting to rethink the Monday weigh-in now. I know I did it that way to try to make me be consistent and eat well on the weekend, but I had such a bad day yesterday that I am worried all my hard work will be undone. I am nowhere near my scale so I can't find out the horrible truth. I am blown away with all the wonderful comments on my new design! A few people have questioned the lizard, and I have no real reason except that I thought it looked good. I was going to put a turtle, you know slow and steady wins the race, but the turtle didn't look as good as the lizard. So there you go. What reasoning skills I have! I am seriously thinking of rejoining Weight Watchers. But at the moment we are soooo poor. We may not even be able to buy our groceries unless we put them on credit. I want to make some necklaces to take around to local shops to see if they'd be interested in selling

So I've done some tweaking to the code. I now think it looks better in Firefox than IE because IE is not recognising the best font. It is too late right now for me to concern myself with this. At least most of us can actually read it. Also I have to create a new weight chart that is compatible with this design. Thanks a lot for the input. Firefox users, is it better now?

I stayed up late creating this new look and today I am going to pay for it. I want your honest feedback on the redesign. If you don't want to leave a comment please email me at suckingitin at g mail dot com. The idea of the banner is that you are being given free movie tickets to my journey with weight-loss, and that popcorn is airpopped and light [because I say it is]! I am so tired my eyes sting! I have my appointment with an occupational physician today and I'm scared. I am shell-shocked from the other specialists I've seen. After that I have my physio appointment and my psychologist appointment to finish the day off. Told you it was a big day. I've been eating almost completely to plan for the past 3 days. I started off with the first 3 days being lower in kilojoules than needed so I could kickstart my body. I snuck onto the scale earlier and the commitment has paid off. I've almost lost a kilo already! Let's hope my motivation doesn't wane today

What do you do when your motivation meter is sitting at 0? You read blogs! I am so inspired by all of you. Normally January is a huge weight-loss month for me and I've already let too much of it go by without doing a cotton-picking thing. I can't expect the number on the scale to move if I am not willing to put in the effort can I? Last night I spoke to a long-time friend who I seemed to have forgotten has this blog address and he told me how he has noticed a huge shift in my attitude since I've been on Pr0zac. Of course he said it has been a good thing. I think he is right. I am less obsessed about my weight and my depression seems to be dissipating. But I also have noticed I can't seem to get fired up like I could in the past either. I don't know if I can attribute that to the drugs or not though. So what can I do? The beautiful LMS has offered to send me the spreadsheet of "no count" foods the new WW program is offering to help me get started.

I have a new obsession: Stuff on my cat . An old friend of mine told me about it and thought I'd like it. He was right. I've already submitted a few photos of Buckley. I still weigh 70 kilos. My heart has not been 100% in it this week, but I will get there. I'm planning to either go back to Weight Watchers or just do a partner diet thing with mr. ralph. I had so much fun with Airlie I couldn't stop talking about her for most of the day. Have any of you tried Coke Zero yet? I don't like it. It tastes a lot like PepsiMax, which I hate. I am a diet coke girl through and through. Hope your new year started out better than mine. I will get on track this week.

Today I had the most fantastic day. I met Airlie and we had a great time. I don't think we stopped talking for long except to take a breath, and to drink our coffee! She also got to meet mr. ralph before she had to be on her way. I even have a picture to prove it! We ended up asking one of the girls behind the counter at Illy to take the photo because we sucked at taking it ourselves. I love her to pieces. She is the most amazing woman. I'm really sad that she doesn't live closer, but we will be going to visit her sometime this year since she graciously invited us!

When you eat a lot of garbage, you eventually will put on weight. The denial is over. I weigh 70 kilos. Talk about a reality check. That is just 2 kilos under what I weighed at this time last year. I think I should be pleased about one thing, I didn't gain in 2005! I can wear the same clothes I wore last summer. This is a good thing, but 2006 has got to be different. I'm glad everyone agrees with me on that point. Also, welcome back Tree .

Well. It has finally begun. How did I spend the first day of 2006? In bed, mostly. And I ate horribly. I was recovering from all the booze I had the night before. I had a perfect excuse. I was lazy and ate McDonalds for dinner. I felt completely horrible afterwards. It was actually the ONLY meal I've eaten from there in over a year. And it was my first meal of the new year? Splendid! What does that mean? Well I have some thinking to do. I want to change things around before it gets any worse. I have go step on the scale. We have to get a starting weight for 2006. I have to know where I stand when I go into battle. It is not just a battle over the will. It is an emotional battle. It is a war waged on fat. I will not let evil prevail. |smile| There will not be any resolutions this year because I will simply do what I know is right for my body. We all know what those things are: Exercise. Eating lots of fruit, vegetables, whole grains, and lean meat. Sleeping enoug