livingforrecovery

Hmm. Starting over is never easy. I'm on a new journey this time. I want to do this for different reasons. I want to do it for me. This week has been an okay one food wise, but I haven't been walking. I have had to suffer rain, but we needed it so it is hard to be mad about it. I know I may have lost a tiny bit of weight, but probably not much. Will weigh myself tomorrow. I had a few too many drinks still. BUT I swear I am trying! It is hard right now. I want to go to the doctor and request some weight-loss drugs. I don't think my doctor will give me them, and I know it is a weak way out, but I want the help. So don't judge me! Thanks so much for the support lately. Even the few of you who still check to see if I am around, your words mean a lot to me.

SO .... I spent all day yesterday cursing and walking around muttering the number I saw on the scale under my breath. Trust me when I say I had no idea. You would think that since at one time I was obsessed with the scale and weighed myself almost daily I would have had some clue. But I have been living on another planet, one where alcohol has no calories and exercise is optional. I've been living as if I don't have to watch my weight. I remember saying once how I wanted to live like that.... I'm over it. I wanted to walk this morning and it is raining.

I weighed myself today. Fuck. This is very bad. I had no idea? How could I not know that I had gained so much? I am ashamed. I don't even want you to know how much. I wish I could say that I am motivated to change and feel excited about it, but I just feel like my lungs are filling up with water and I cannot breathe. I have not gained all of it back, that is something at least. But I have to start over again. I can't believe I once weighed 67 kilos.

Things are not well, not well at all. I have myseterious tummy pains that come and go which prompted me to go to the doctor on Monday and not go to work. While I was there I decided to do a little housecleaning and confessed to my ever increasing depressed mood. I told her I have gained weight, drink regularly (alcohol that is) and cry almost every day. To that she said, "Oh ok. I think you need to come back tomorrow so I can do a mental health plan." So I did. And she has referred me to a psychiatrist so that they can see if I am on the right medication etc, and to a psychologist because the one I have been seeing has not been that helpful, obviously. Oh and she said I need to reduce my weight. Recommendations: healthy eating, cutting out alcohol, and exercise. So I am now the proud owner of what they call a mental health plan, and I don't have the fondest clue of how to do the things required of me.

Just adjusting to being back in Austraila now. I wanted to share this photo. This was taken my last day in the US and the beautiful girl with me was my childhood best friend. We were at her younger sister's wedding. I had such a good time!

Did I make you worry? I am sorry if you have. I guess life got in the way again. I haven't made any progress with my weight, in fact I am bigger. I think around 80 kilos? I can't be very sure since I haven't exactly been weighing myself. I know that I have had to buy some clothes that are bigger than I think I am. Ever done that? You pick something off the rack that looks like it will fit you and then you get totally shocked when it is too tight? That really sucks. What a depressing way to start this blog entry! Anyway I've been on holiday for almost a month now and I've eaten a lot of home cooked meals; you know the kind... the ones where you don't want to know how much fat is in them. I turned 32 yesterday. I don't want to turn 33 and still be this weight either. I want to get myself back on track. I do plan on doing that too, as soon as I get back to Adelaide I am going to Weight Watchers and going to join some kind of gym/exercise program. I

I saw a photograph of myself that was VERY disgusting and taken only last week. I had to stop and pause. Then I cried. Admittedly the position I was in and the clothes I was wearing were not very forgiving, but I was shocked. This is how I look? What a way to begin 2007! Last night I drank a lot, but I remember everything (so not that drunk). I made French Martinis! They were delicious, but made with chambord, vodka, and pineapple juice. Talk about heavy sugar intake! For lunch it was bbq sausages and for late night snacking, party pies! Yes, disgusting indeed. And today, for breakfast/lunch we had leftover sausages! This week I have got to detox, purge the junk out of my life (emotionally and physically). I need to find myself again. I am not happy. I think I am on the bottom of the pit. It is dark down here, but somewhere up above I see a light.