livingforrecovery

Monday 18/12/2017 I have no idea how I made it through this weekend. I was completely mental. I went to an AA meeting yesterday, I got there early as was going completely insane, then I sat outside in the sun with some other members, all male.  I’ve only talked to them a few times and have only been going to this meeting around every other Sunday because I’ve not really been feeling the need that bad until now. What I wanted was to be at the beach enjoying the day without sitting there in the sun, crying over how bad I want to drink.  The good news is I didn’t drink, but the fact is I fought it all weekend.  I had to daily make a decision to walk past the pub, the lawn-bowls club… to not go and gate crash my neighbour’s house party on Saturday night. It was horrendous. I want the cravings to go away.  I don’t want to have to talk to myself, literally talk myself out of drinking for days at a time. I don’t want this to be this hard.  Please God, please remove the desire

I didn't have to read much of the last few entries to know where I left this thing. A lot changed. A lot did not. I went back to drinking, I guess I wasn't desperate enough to stay stopped.  I hadn't experienced quite the amount of pain needed for me to make it a permanent change. I don't even remember the exact date I began drinking again, but I what I remember most is that I couldn't do it without a numbing agent.  I needed it desperately. It took a long time of drinking again for me to see how it never helped anything.  It NEVER helped anything. Today makes 71 days of sobriety this time around. It sounds like a long time, but in reality it isn't. Tonight is my work's Christmas party.  I am going.  The plan is to not drink.  It is hard to believe that I am not going to drink on a night where everyone else will be, on a night when society says hey, it is okay, have a few wines to celebrate, you deserve it!  A night when the drinks a