I didn't have to read much of the last few entries to
know where I left this thing.
A lot changed.
A lot did not.
I went back to
drinking, I guess I wasn't desperate enough to stay stopped. I hadn't
experienced quite the amount of pain needed for me to make it a permanent
change. I don't even remember the exact date I began drinking again, but I what
I remember most is that I couldn't do it without a numbing agent. I
needed it desperately.
It took a long time
of drinking again for me to see how it never helped anything. It NEVER
helped anything.
Today makes 71 days
of sobriety this time around. It sounds like a long time, but in reality it
isn't.
Tonight is my work's
Christmas party. I am going. The plan is to not drink. It is
hard to believe that I am not going to drink on a night where everyone else
will be, on a night when society says hey, it is okay, have a few wines to
celebrate, you deserve it! A night when the drinks are free.
Because is there anything really better to a person who likes to drink
than FREE drinks??
Last year was the
most fucked up year (pardon my French) of my life.
I lost not one, but both
of my parents to lung related illnesses. This was made even harder by
living on the other side of the planet from my family, and having a new job for
only a few months prior to their deaths. I had to request special
time-off to travel to the US. The trip
was booked before my mother passed away, I however didn’t make it to say
goodbye.
I had been in a 4
year relationship that was long distance and didn't appear to be getting
anywhere near not being long-distance and I just couldn't do it anymore and I
made the decision to end the relationship. This hurt. This sucked.
I am still not over it.
2 days after I ended
my long-term relationship I lost my job.
I was a casual
employee for the government. The department I worked in was not an easy
job. I had to speak to people who for whatever reason had been cut off of
their income support. I was called very choice names on a daily basis
because getting them their money was beyond my control.
Advice from one of
the top-level trainers and one of the people who make the most in the
department was that I should, "Pretend to care."
Yeah, it was that
good of a job.
I was told that at 6
months I wasn't where they wanted me to be. They gave me one weeks’ notice.
I cried. I begged for her to change her mind. I disagreed with
her/them completely because I felt like I was doing okay for what had happened
to me in my personal life. I felt like they had 0 duty of care for me.
I felt like I could have left that day and committed suicide and they
would not even blink.
I didn't kill myself,
I am still here. Instead based on advice given to me at the time by who I
thought was my best friend in the whole world was that I should take some time
off and travel. So I did.
I bought a return
ticket to London for a 3 month stint at travelling Europe. I don't know
what I was thinking, but I thought that visiting new places may help me heal.
I wanted to be anywhere but where I was.
I packed up all of my things where I was living and got rid of 2/3rds of
everything I owned. I literally threw away a lot of shit! Clothes I
hadn't worn in over a year, gone. I filled rubbish bins, I gave furniture
etc to my land-lord to donate to the needy. I paid my land-lord in
advance storage prices for my things for the duration of the 3 months I was
going to be away. He told me he was thinking about selling the house but
didn't have a date or anything. I pretty much left not knowing what I had
to return to.
I was offered by
another friend that lived with me in the town house I was living in when I last
left off writing to stay in her flat in London when I wasn't travelling about
to other countries and cities during the 3 months.
I won't go into all
the details but I spent a lot of money. The place to stay in London
didn't pan out due to her flat-mate not wanting me there-- so I ended up
back-packing it. Was it fun? Sometimes. I drank a lot. I got really, really sick by doing bus tours
with young people. I tried to party like
I was there age. I am clearly not that
young anymore. I don't regret the trip,
but it did not relieve my loneliness, my grief, or my desire to escape reality.
When I got back to
South Australia my landlord pretty much said I had to remove my things and find
somewhere else to live.
I didn't know what to
do. I had no job, no relationship, and nowhere to live.
I got more
input/advice from who again I thought was my best friend. She suggested I
move to Melbourne as I'd have more job opportunities and a chance to start
over.
I followed her
advice.
I did not stop
drinking. But I wanted to. I
wanted to change so I started going to sound mediation, I saw a healer/psychic,
and I took liquid crystals. I was living
in a house with a crazy OCD woman who I liked at first until her craziness
became too much for me to deal with.
I had 12 interviews
when I finally got my job.
I love my job.
It was worth waiting
for.
The relationship with
the woman I lived with was getting really un-doable. It was out of hand
crazy and where I lived was a bit far for me to travel to work on the train
every single day. Gumtree again saved my life and I now live in Port
Melbourne, VIC. This is only 10-15 minutes tram ride (Depending) from my
office, less than a half hour to the inner CBD. It is perfect. I like the person I live with, from what I
know of her. We don’t really spend that
much time together. She has a boyfriend
that I don’t particularly care for, but it is endurable. When he stays over for the weekend it gives
me more reason to get out of my house, which I have been doing.
I started thinking
that everything would be okay ONCE I found a job. Then I started thinking
that everything would be okay ONCE I moved.
I was wrong.
I only started to
isolate more. I started to just sit in my room and drink. Alone.
I wasn't making new
friends except work colleagues. I was missing my ex. I was missing
having a full social circle. I was missing my best-friend who as soon as
I moved decided to drop off the planet and become un-available.
I woke up one day and
after googling how to kill yourself with the least amount of pain, I next
googled rehabs (for alcohol dependence). Thing is for about 2 weeks I
tried to give up/reduce my alcohol in-take without any real, substantial
results. I went to a few AA meetings, while moderating. I would
drink less during the week and as soon as the weekend came and I didn't have to
set an alarm and show up to work I would write myself off for the entire
weekend.
On October 3rd, the
Wednesday after the AFL Grand Final long weekend, instead of killing myself I
checked myself into Rehab. I had to admit that I couldn't stop without intervention
that alcohol was not working to change any of my circumstances, in fact it was
making me very ill. I had pretty much stopped eating except maybe some
yogurt, fruit, and occasionally beef jerky for dinner. I was always
tired. I never wanted to do anything. I coughed and threw up a lot
of gross crap. I was miserable. I raised my hands up to the sky and
begged for help.
After talking to a
Rehab that is based in Geelong I called my boss and told him what I was doing,
what I had to do. He was an unbelievably understanding guy. He even
asked for HR to give me leave in advance. I could have made up any number
of things to disappear for a month. Some may have jeopardized my job.
Hell the truth may have jeopardized my job. But I bit the bullet.
I told the truth. Sometimes, just sometimes, the truth is the best
policy.
So after talking to
my boss, one of my new colleagues/friends from work, Sean (my ex), and being
hung up on when I tried to ring who I thought was my best friend, I
finished the last bit of gin I had and waited for my ride that probably saved
my life.
Since then I have
been trying a number of things to incorporate into my life to keep me from
drowning in a bottle.
I go to yoga. I
sometimes go 3 times a week. I go every
single Sunday morning at 9:15 without fail, and some nights I also go after
work, because I’d go insane without it.
I sometimes go to AA meetings. I went to a lot when I first got back from
rehab and found most of them to be the opposite of helpful. There are 2 that I go to now without
fail. I attend the Saturday morning
women’s meeting which is very close to my house and very close to the beach in
St. Kilda. I also go to the Tuesday
night mixed meeting that is in Carlton.
I sometimes do a Sunday afternoon meeting, but I am now also looking at
going to free yoga classes that are a train ride away after work so I am okay
with only committing to 2 meetings a week.
When it is sunny I slather myself in sunscreen and go
lie on the beach. I always take a book
but I hardly ever read. I mostly lie in
the sun and try to be in the moment and enjoy the beach, because sometimes when
I am at work I so wish I was on the beach.
I am in no way perfect and I am in no way above being
back where I was if I don’t cultivate and allow my brain to make healthier,
happier, better choices.
I wrote an email to Marie (she is the one I thought
was my best friend) this week because I could not get the fact that she hung up
on me out of my head. How does one do
that to someone they’ve been friends with for over 20 years? How does she justify it? I needed an answer. I didn’t think the answer was going to be good
or feel good. I just needed an answer.
The answer was that she thought I took advantage of
her.
I still cannot believe she said that.
I was so wrong about her. I hate that I never saw her for what she
is. I am mad that it took this long for
me to see the real her.
But I have lived through a lot of loss. I will live through this too.
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