livingforrecovery

7/5 meditation for today: I can let you take the path you choose and still love you. I'm really looking forward to being on the farm this weekend, I'm going to go for long walks enjoy the country air. I'm learning to appreciate everyone that is in my life. I know that they are a part of it for a reason. I had so much fun with D. Reilly last night.  I always do.  He makes me smile. I was called up on stage during the intermission to participate in a contest of constructing something tall out of straws.  I got called up there because I have a big mouth.  Reilly came up with me and we won! Well there was no prize but it was fun.    

5/5 I can't believe how much the Coco movie has diturbed me.  I am thinking of going to see it again this weekend when I will inevitably be alone.  I think the content is so close to home. I identified with so much. I was so upset by it. I'm learning so much about myself and feel that I'm on the right path, to feeling better.  I have been blessed so much with wonderful people around me.  I'm so glad to have lari back, even if she is on the farm most of the time.  Just knowing she is there helps me. It is so good to have my sponsor, my psychologist, marie (who I see tonight) and nessa.  I can't believe how much support I have. I know you're not spiritual but I believe that someone is looking out for me.  She is looking for work and I saw her the past 2 weekends so I don't think I will see her this coming weeend. The flatmates don't factor in too often, but it is a lot to expect from boys.  At first they loved and hugged me and let me c

sigh.

I got wet this morning. I left my umbrella at work because I had too much to carry with my gym bag and handbag.  I almost didn't make it to my meeting but took the bus and then was loaned an umbrella by another member. I still think about you every day and wonder how long your month will be in actuality. Going to the gym has helped my mood overall.  That is a good thing.  The bad thing is these moments are fleeting and I inevitably end up crying at some point. The weekend of your birthday I have 2 big events, a wedding and a larita's bday party on her farm. I wonder if you will talk to me before then? I don't know. Somehow I doubt it.

If my life is a novel, I wonder if it will end up being a tragedy, a comedy or a horror?

You must not miss me at all if 5 weeks feels like 2 to you. I guess you're so busy celebrating your doctorate, and enjoying all of your free time. Maybe the girl who you were getting texts from when I was unable to walk after the car hit me has been able to send you messages again. Maybe you can turn your phone off silent. Sometimes I'm angry.  But mostly I am sad.  I listened to this sad song on my ipod over and over and over again on my way to work with tears in my eyes. This makes me feel it is time to change my ipod.  I've lost one of them again, so when I wipe the songs off the silver one it will all be on me to download and figure out how to do new ones. It is like I'm starting over in everything. After Lars went out to her bday party on sat night I went to see a movie by myself. I knew I wouldn't run into you at the Nova.  You detest art films so much.  And it was about Coco Chanel, even more reason you'd never go.  You were probably

5 weeks, 6 weeks, yes life goes on. On with the show. I don't have much time to write now but I have become more accepting. This is a good thing. I am aware that this is out of my control and my desire to control it is getting smaller. So you don't want to talk to me. I thought I couldn't live with that. But it looks like I have to.

This is just a test. going to attempt to write entries from work and email them to blogger.  I've got a lot of thougths going round and round in my head and my friends obviously need a break sometimes. So I realised yesterday actually makes 5 weeks. five weeks is a rather long month, and the 'month' is probably nowhere near coming to an end. I am mostly sad but also know that I am going to be okay. How do I know that? Well this happened at the right time I think.  I have an awesome psychologist. A great friend and sponsor.  Lara is back in town.  I have a gym membership, and my flatmates although boys, are pretty awesome too. Have to hold on to the little things.

I went to a lecture tonight by Dr Michael Yapko , Called Depression is Contagious. It was very interesting but a little long. I will probably have more to say about it at another time. I wanted to write tonight but there is too much to say.

I feel like I should be writing. I've missed it. I look back at my enormous archives and ache for all the time lost. All the moments I didn't put in here. I read your comments and I see all the support my readers have always given me. It makes me feel loved. I'm not doing well. This is not a surprise I know. I always write when I'm depressed. The thing is I write and then I don't like what I've written. I delete it. I write again, I delete. I feel so dead. Like the car should have killed me. No. Like the car did kill me. Like the last year has been purgatory. And now the past 5 weeks have been hell.