livingforrecovery

I'm on holidays in the US. I am mainly visiting family and such. I was so excited because I have not been here in 2 years and I was really looking forward to this trip. Today I am feeling homesick for Australia. This is one of those times when I realise that I am more at home in Adelaide than I am in the US. I don't really belong here anymore and it is not a bad thing. I am not exactly sure what all of this means; but Australia, you're not finished with me yet, and I'm not finished with you.

I share this because it is relevant: I was telling Amelie all about you. if only you could have heard me! I told her how intelligent you are, how we always don't agree but you always teach me things, how I think with my emotions and you think with your head. How much our differences make us work, how I broke it and how I want to fix it, how because you don't suffer fools I know I am intelligent.

from Chapter 14, of Women Who Run With The Wolves , La Selva Subterranea: Initiation of the Underground Forest "during the darkest times of the feminine unconscious, the uterine unconscious, Nature, feeds a woman's soul. Women describe that in the midst of their descent they are in the darkest dark and are touched by the brush of a wing tip and feel lightened. They feel an inner nourishing taking place, a spring of blessed water bursting forth over parched ground. . . from where they do not know. The spring does not solve suffering, but rather nourishes when nothing else is forthcoming. It is a manna in the desert. It is water from stones. It is food out of thin air. It quells the hunger so we can go on. And that is the whole point. . . to go on. To go on toward our knowing destiny" I know I've posted this before. But I feel it is vital to use again. I woke up at 3am unable to go back to sleep. The thing is, I've got so many decisions to make about my

Let me introduce you to our first candidate for Queen B's room: Miss S First thing I ask is if she will be at work during the day, what does she do? etc. She says she is a student and has a job but she only works one day a week on Thursdays. I think to myself: How does one live on that kind of income? I want to sign up! Damnit to hell I'm not Australian. Your government f-cking loves you. Then she actually turns it around on me and asks me what I do! hehe. When I told her I leave almost every morning at 6am her jaw dropped to the ground. She said, "ohmygod!" So then I ask her, "Do you have any references?" Miss S nervously says, "Um no you see I haven't been on any leases because I lived in the UK for two years and when I came back home (I assume here) I didn't like it here so I moved to Sydney, but I'm back here now but staying with my sister.(stammering) I mean I could ask her flatmate (some guy's name) to give me a reference

I dont know what to say, So I am going to share this song. I saw the music video this morning and my heart almost broke listening to the words. Born to Try, By Delta Goodrim Doin everything that I believe in Goin by the rules that I've been taught More understanding of what's around me And protected from the walls of love And all that you see is me And all I truly believe That I was born to try I've learned to love Be understanding And believe in life But you've got to make choices Be wrong or right Sometimes you've gotta sacrifice the things you like But I was born to try No point in talking what you should have been And regretting all the things that went on Life's full of mistakes, destinies and fate Remove the clouds and look at the bigger picture And all that you see is me And all I truly believe That I was born to try I've learned to love Be understanding And believe in life But you've gotta make choices Be wrong or right Sometimes you've gotta

I just got back from seeing Tropic Thunder with my friend Tracy, who if you've visited my Flickr page you will see her . She and I get along so well, and the thing is we have known each other for a long time through our mutual friend, Josie who just got married. The movie was very funny. I highly recommend it. The thing is I don't like stupid humour movies. Seriously. Ask. Anybody. Dumb and Dumber? Puke. But this movie!!!! It has so many jokes in it that I think I need to go see it again to get them all. And the best part [beware spoiler] was the spoof movies in the previews.[/spoiler] But what I really want to know right now is.. what makes someone stop talking to you and not tell you why? I guess it is easy to do when you only talk in email and you live thousands of miles apart. But I just don't get it. One day you're friends, with someone, the next you can't get them to respond to an email. And you don't get to find out what you did that made them disapp

"So, here we are, in our mud clothes, walking down a road we've never seen, and with the mark of the wild nature glowing through us more and more. It is fair to say that this conjunctio is insisting on a striking revision of the old you. If you are here in the orchard, and there are these identifiable psychic aspects with you, there is no turning back--we are going forward." It is always good to know you're moving forward, no matter how painful the path. I do see myself progressing, with momentary lapses of course. I just wish I didn't have to be in the mud clothes, but it is nice to know I'm being looked after whilst in this transition. I stayed home on Saturday night and seems I drank enough red wine to make myself feel sick all day Sunday . I had the worst headache, you know the kind where it feels like when you move your head may implode? I threw up what looked like water with red splotches in it, but it was sour. Yes I know you wanted the full visual

I just think this is the best shot. I don't know why really. The colours look good. I took this on my way to Biga, my favourite cafe that is not far from my house. I met a friend from work there and we ate salad and had a glass of wine, and then for dessert an affogato. Affogato Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia - Cite This Source An affogato (Italian, "drowned") is a coffee-based beverage or dessert. "Affogato style", which refers to the act of topping a drink or dessert with espresso, may also incorporate caramel sauce or chocolate sauce. A "cafe affogato" is sometimes referred to as a "cold shower". An "affogato di gelato" is usually vanilla bean gelato topped with espresso. Alternately, a bitter chocolate gelato (cioccolato) is an ideal match to espresso. Now I wish I had taken a photo of it! Afterwards I came home and chatted online while drinking wine and relaxing. Turns out that I drank way too much and have been unwell all

from Chapter 14 of Women Who Run With The Wolves , La Selva Subterranea: Initiation of the Underground Forest "During the darkest times of the feminine unconscious, the uterine unconscious, Nature, feeds a woman's soul. Women describe that in the midst of their descent they are in the darkest dark and are touched by the brush of a wing tip and feel lightened. They feel an inner nourishing taking place, a spring of blessed water bursting forth over parched ground. . . from where they do not know. The spring does not solve suffering, but rather nourishes when nothing else is forthcoming. It is a manna in the desert. It is water from stones. It is food out of thin air. It quells the hunger so we can go on. And that is the whole point. . . to go on. To go on toward our knowing destiny" I don't know what to say anymore. I'm still here, I'm still struggling, but still going forward.

I've been keeping a journal online for almost 10 years now (with a few breaks). And even I am amazed at that length of time. Writing as well as reading are strong passions of mine. When I first began blogging, or whatever you want to call, it wasn't the fad that it is now. I actually learned how to code basic html from a friend that funnily enough is still coding his own html (heptapod) and used notepad to edit my entries. I don't really miss the work that went into that. (obligatory thanks to blogger) I have always been quite open and honest in my online ramblings and have from time to time offended readers, some who only know me online, and some that know me in person. For instance I once had to move out of a place because the person who owned it had a sister that had said some racist things in my presence. I felt so strongly about it that talked about it in my journal not ever knowing that the sister or the owner of the place where I lived would ever read it. And I

Photos taken tonight. I took on a personal challange to take a photo of myself as I am, in my pjs (seriously unattractive) and as full-length as I could organise on my own. It is hard to share it with you, but I feel almost like I must. Reality is I am an AU size 14. I have photos (as you know) of me in my glory days of size 10. I hope to be there again one day, but I can't live in yesterday. I have to be here, today. I have to accept myself the way I am. It is okay to want to improve, to make myself healthier. It is okay to eat well, and exercise and lose weight for good reasons. It is not okay to hate myself and hide. "during the darkest times of the feminine unconscious, the uterine unconscious, Nature, feeds a woman's soul. Women describe that in the midst of their descent they are in the darkest dark and are touched by the brush of a wing tip and feel lightened. They feel an inner nourishing taking place, a spring of blessed water bursting forth over parched

Fidelity (lyrics) (shake it up) i never loved nobody fully always one foot on the ground and by protecting my heart truely i got lost in the sounds i hear in my mind all these voices i hear in my mind all these words i hear in my mind all this music and it breaks my heart(x2) and it breaks my h-h-h-h-eart(x2) suppose i never ever met you suppose we never fell in love suppose i never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft suppose i never ever saw you suppose you'd never ever called suppose i kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall just to break my fa-a-a-a-a-a-ll (x3) break my fall(x2) all my friends say that ofcourse it's gonna get better gonna get better better (x7) i never loved no body fully always one foot on the ground and by protecting my heart truely i got lost in the sounds i hear in my mind all these voices i hear in my mind all these words i hear in my mind all this music and it breaks my heart(x2) i hear in my mind all these voices i hear in my mind a

What does it mean when the anger experienced today, although inspired by a new offence is actually made worse due to leftover rage from the past? Sometimes people become confused and think that to be stuck in an outdated rage means to fuss and fume and to act out and toss and throw things. It does not mean that in most cases. It means to be tired all the time, to carry a thick layer of cynicism, to dash the hopeful, the tender, the promising. IT means to be afraid you will lose before you even open your mouth. It means to reach flashpoint inside whether you show it on the outside or not. It means bilious entrenched silences. It means feeling helpless. But there is a way out, and it is through forgiveness. The other day I was talking to Argy about how things have been going over the last year or so and she said to me, I think that you should spend some considerable time alone right now. Alone? By nature I am a very social person. I'd prefer to be out or with good friends than

Fat is not a number on the scale which by subtracting another number will make you incredibly gorgeous and free from any emotional baggage at the same time. Fat is not the size of the clothes you wear. Fat is an attitude, your attitude. Fat is what you tell yourself every single day, all the nasty things you'd never utter out loud. Fat is how you treat yourself. Fat is the underwear required which makes it harder for you to breath but you feel necessary to make you feel just ok enough to go out in. Fat is the constant obsession about whether or not this particular black cardigan is flattering or not because you hate your arms that much. Fat is looking in the mirror and although you may (on that particular day, week, month, year) be the weight you always dreamed to be and still seeing and feeling enormous. I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this.

Today I am having difficulty releasing old anger. Something happened last night that opened up a wound that today is bleeding excessively. I have to apply and reapply the bandages. But I'm still bleeding all over the place. I don't want to feel so hurt anymore. So I continue on my road in search of forgiveness, and today more so than yesterday the theme seems very appropriate. I've been reading my favourite book because it is like my guardian angel, my god, my helper, my avenger, and my therapist all wrapped into one and it helps me so much. I affectionately call it my biblia, which is bible in Spanish. I have read some of the same passages so many times I can’t count them. Most of the quotes from the last few entries have been from it, as you are probably already aware! There are a few misconceptions held about forgiveness. Many people have trouble with it because they have been told that it is a singular act that must be completed in one sitting. This is not so, for

Ok so first of all let me say, thank you sincerely for leaving me your comments and inquiring about me I was very touched to read that you guys miss me. It is very nice. Why wasn't it more obvious? I dont really know. But it seems now everywhere I go, and every single day I'm reminded that what I need to do now is find forgiveness. I need to forgive others but more importantly I need to forgive myself. The problem, or stumbling block to that is that I ask myself, why can't the answer be anything but that? Why does it have to be forgiveness? I bang my head against the wall because it is the hardest route and I dont want to take it. But what I do know in my heart is that someday, sometime, forgiveness will need to come to pass before I can heal. At the moment where am I with the whole weight issue? Well I'm at the halfway point. That is, halfway between my thinnest adult weight and my heaviest. Im becoming happier with my body again, but not completely. I'm

Where do I begin? I suppose at the beginning. Why did I leave? What have I been doing? How goes the weight-loss? I am sure these are all questions you have if you followed any of the ramblings here. I will do my best to answer those, not just for your benefit, but for mine. I have some days that are better than others, but mostly I feel like I am walking through a fog but it feels like cotton-balls. And everything hurts. Everything makes me cry. I can't understand why some days I'm so sad and full of anger on others. I can't understand why it still hurts so much. Last week on the way home I decided to take the bus seat closest to the aisle because I only have a short ride and because it gets crowded I didn't want to be trapped when it came to my stop. I like a quick departure. While still a few stops away from my home a man approached my seat and spoke to me asking if he could sit with me, I didn't exactly hear him because I had my ipod on, but I knew what h

Wow. It feels like I bought a new outfit. Couldn't wait to wear it for you guys, but I've also disabled comments somehow and need to go add the right html to put them back. At the moment I don't have time as I'm going to a friend's house. Happy Sunday. I bet you're still dying for the big entry! It is coming soon.

The whole blog is going to get a new look but I'm still getting everything up and running on this new computer of mine. I've begun writing the big entry. It will be here soon I promise. I've missed you guys.

I am back! Yes I know it has been a while, and trust me when I say it has been a bumpy road getting back here. If you are still there leave me a comment. This is not the big entry, it is to come! This is the, "Hell yeah she is alive!" one.