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alone

What does it mean when the anger experienced today, although inspired by a new offence is actually made worse due to leftover rage from the past?

Sometimes people become confused and think that to be stuck in an outdated rage means to fuss and fume and to act out and toss and throw things. It does not mean that in most cases. It means to be tired all the time, to carry a thick layer of cynicism, to dash the hopeful, the tender, the promising. IT means to be afraid you will lose before you even open your mouth. It means to reach flashpoint inside whether you show it on the outside or not. It means bilious entrenched silences. It means feeling helpless. But there is a way out, and it is through forgiveness.

The other day I was talking to Argy about how things have been going over the last year or so and she said to me, I think that you should spend some considerable time alone right now.

Alone?

By nature I am a very social person. I'd prefer to be out or with good friends than say spending a night in with just me and the TV on a Friday night. I like people, or maybe it would be more accurate to say I dislike being alone. I need companionship, and find long stretches of aloneness to be unbearable.

I'm starting to see this particular trait of mine as somewhat of a weakness and a hindrance to my spiritual growth. I busy myself with outings and social activities to avoid the inner voice, the constant nudging towards having a few conversations with myself and allowing myself to feel the pain. and work through it.

Of course being social was probably what I've needed up until this point, my full schedule was like applying a tourniquet above a very deep wound. But to leave it on for too long causes gangrene for lack of circulation.

It is time to let the wound breathe.

It is quite possibly time to embrace the quiet, to listen to the inner voice, to call upon the goddess for help. It is time to love myself and be alone.

---
Quote above from Clarissa Pinkola Estes Women Who Run With The Wolves

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