livingforrecovery

Something I've come to realize in the past 2 weeks is that eating right, and losing weight doesn't have to be hard. Gasp For such a long time I've faced it like it was a challenge akin to climbing Mt. Everest. Now recently I've been really lax, extremely lax over Christmas, but I found that the changes I've made in the last 3 years do not fly out the window when I am faced with days of non-scheduled eating. I can actually trust myself when it comes to food. I know that sounds silly, but for so long I've looked at food as the enemy. I've told myself that I cannot be trusted around food because I just couldn't make good choices when things weren't rigidly planned out. When you don't trust yourself, it is like having an excuse to pig out whenever the opportunity arises. The experience over the last 2 weeks has shown me that I have morphed into a much stronger person than I give myself credit for. Being around mounds of food

and then we can bid 2004 farewell. I've already got the entry in mind. But I'll save that one for later. Today I should have walked when I woke up, but I didn't. I still could, but I woke up and discovered that I did know what all those cramps were going on about in my tummy last night. Ick. We slept in our own bed, and it was good. I like our bed. It sleeps nice. My New Years Eve plans this year are to get dressed up, go to a girlfriends house that is near the beach and we will have a BBQ and drink some lovely cocktails that I learned how to make in my huge cocktail book I got last Christmas. I will eat my last dinner of 2004 without a care in the world for the amount of fat or points that it contains. I will drink as much as I want, and hopefully a lot of water as well to prevent the morning headache, or at least make it more tolerable. We will walk over to the pier and go in a club and boogie till our hearts content, we will watch fireworks, and I wi

I weighed myself at home this morning and have gained 1 kilo over Christmas. Not bad. I actually felt relieved. I knew it wasn't that much because I didn't really feel bloated. I never ate until I felt so full that I couldn't breathe/move, and although I had my fair share of snacks and treats, overall I did ok. Our toilet has been broken for this entire week and we've been staying at my mum-in-laws. Today the owner is sending his father to fix it. It did this last year and they sent the same guy. All I'm saying is maybe they should get a real plumber involved?? Could be why we keep having problems. When I went for a walk yesterday I saw a baby bird flapping near the ground and stopped to have a look. One of it's claws was caught in the bottom of a chain fence and he couldn't free himself. I freed it's foot and it hopped onto both feet on the ground and just stared up at me. I wanted to see it fly away but it didn't move. There were

So Christmas is over, and I have to say I'm thankful for that. It was pretty stressful this time because it was our first without mr. ralph's father. We went out to eat for Christmas lunch and there was so much to choose from that I ate small servings of everything I thought looked yummy. I came home feeling full, but not, "Oh god I have to puke full". This they say, it is a good thing. But overall have I been a good girl with the eating? No. Absolutely not. I am hoping to get myself back on track today, but because we are staying at the mum-in-law's I am thinking this is going to require much more willpower than I possibly possess. I am literally surrounded by a chocolate factory. She received every kind of chocolate or candy gift you can imagine. Working as the head of an after school care can have its perks, that is if you want to gain 10 kilos at Christmas. She also has some of my very favorite chocolates in the world. Lindt, which is Swis

I am going shopping today for those last minute presents because well, we just couldn't afford them until today. But I will also (hopefully) find something nice for me to wear during these festive times as we will be going out for Christmas Eve as well as New Years Eve. Let me tell you, losing weight is very expensive. Yesterday I put on my brand new Ralph Lauren jeans that I bought only 2 months ago while we were in America and guess what?? They are now the ever dreaded crotch hangers. Sigh. I can't believe how fast my wardrobe is dwindling. I think I had better try to get these clothes taken on consignment somewhere. What a headache. It was fun once, getting rid of big clothes... until now. Now I have nothing to wear. Oh, and someone at work yesterday called me skinny! We know it is not true, not yet , but what a great feeling! Wish me luck with the shopping, and don't forget to nominate your favorite blogs over at BoB - Best of Blogs Awards.

My wonderful husband massaged my very very tight shoulders last night and this morning they feel even more tight; one would think that is not humanly possible. It has to be the work. Eh. I can't call in, it is my last day before Christmas, and what am I being a fricking baby for? I only work 4 hours at a time for 3 days a week. Stupid, fecking neck. I'm telling you, I'm not even in the mood. So because I was rather uncomfortable from all the neck and shoulder pain last night all I really wanted to do was cuddle up in my lounge clothes on the couch. So as I got up and announced to mr. ralph, "I'm going to change clothes." He calls to me as I'm grabbing the silky pajama bottoms, "Babe you want to go for a walk?" I answer, "Uh, ok!" and grabbed the yoga pants instead. I was glad he offered because I was not going to exercise at all yesterday otherwise. Isn't he golden? And then afterwards he massaged me like I said

My cat won't let me sleep. Since I don't have to be at work until 3pm, I thought I could get sleep in a little. Nope. Since mr. ralph had to be up, buckley made me get up too. He is so wild in the morning, running around and jumping on me as he heads for the nightstand. HE MUST BE STOPPED. I think the milk I put in my coffee was going off and I drank it anyway. That is the kind of mood I'm in, lazy. I gave out my Christmas presents to workmates and everyone was so excited about getting them. It made all the work worthwhile. In the end I made so much stuff. I made the pretzel chocolate treats, some christmas shaped sugar cookies, chocolate spoons, swiss mocha, and cafe vienna coffee mixes. I didn't give everyone the same thing. Next year I think I will stick to one thing and make life easier on myself. There really is nothing like getting homemade goodies; makes people feel special. The green necklace was given to my friend on the weekend a

So yes, let me see. What do I write about today? The cat is fine. The vet said he is overweight though. Should we be surprised? It is all mr. ralph's fault. He was overfeeding him. He is at least 2 kilos over his normal weight. I have a whopping 6.7 kilogram beast sitting next to me on the couch right this very minute. And I love him. But what about me you ask? I am so unmotivated. I did go for a walk this morning, begrudgingly. I didn't bother to count points on Saturday after I drank like a fish. Yesterday was about the same although I miraculously calculated I probably ate within my limit. It is not really that I want to overeat, but I am sick of caring. Tis the season to be drinking and be merry and I just want to do it without worrying about an extra kilo here or there. Of course I don't want to gain the weight either, so what is a girl to do? My regular Weight Watchers meetings are closed because of the 2 Saturday holidays right in a row

I intended to post the weigh-in yesterday, but it just wasn't possible. So I know the date in my title is wrong. Sorry folks. But, I lost 200 grams. I think it was just dehydration. I now weigh 71.5. I went out with a friend of mine last night and had way too much to drink and am now paying the price. Good news is it a nice cool day outside and I have a lovely hubby who is making me some eggs and toast. I may feel human later today, but I doubt it. But now I have to talk about Friday night. There is this friend of mr ralph's that I've come to loathe. I mean that in the most sincere way possible. We are like oil and water me and this guy. The last incident was had at a mr ralph's younger brother's 21st in which we had a very drunken conversation as to why he doesn't like me and his response was simply that I am not good enough for the mr ralph. Yeah. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. You can expect that this piece of information was the

I think I may have permanently damaged my cat. It wasn't my fault, really it wasn't. I can't help it he drank from the bath where I had the soapy water soaking the mat. Why must he drink from the tub? Anyway now it has been a few days since he did this, and he still isn't eating a lot. He is active and doesn't appear sick, except for his half-assed eating and his runny poo. Yes, I said runny poo. I probably should have taken him to the vet, but I'm afraid the vet will take him from me since only a few months ago we had him there for a similar problem, but that time we do not know what he ingested, and he was very very sick. I fear she will think I am a bad cat momma. Plus the vet is damn expensive and he does look ok. God I don't know. How long is diarrhea a bad thing in cats? It is going to be boiling hot here today so I am going to go to the pool and cool off whilst getting tan. I know that tanning is so bad for the skin and all, but I

What a hellish day. Well, the beginning was actually good, don't let my bad attitude fool you. Although I didn't sleep well last night, and didn't get to exercise before leaving the house, I rather enjoyed the morning. I went to see Christmas With The Kranks and found it funny and all oooshy gooshy. Makes me miss having Christmas proper where it is cold and such though. After that I did a little Christmas shopping and visited my friend who did work with me but now works in a shoe store because she was finally fed up with the crap that goes on. The first thing she said when she saw me was, "Oh my you're looking skinny skinny." What a compliment! I was bowled over with joy for hours, as you can imagine. We chatted for a few minutes and set a date to go out together on Saturday night. I saw an unbelievably gorgeous pair of suede cowboy style boots that I want, and the killer is they actually fit my legs. It is not really the seaso

"The only things that can stop you doing what you want to do in this life , are your own perceptions of what you can and can not do. " Ed Hades I was at a real loss for an explanation for the way I overate on Sunday until I read the comment on Monday morning's entry from Denise . She is 100% correct! I had so much anxiety about going back to work that I overate without even realising that was the reason I was doing it. When I read her comment it was so obvious. I have to keep reminding myself that I am only human and that I shouldn't beat myself up over every little slip up. The second day back to work wasn't so bad. I woke up with a lot of soreness in my neck and chest, but I took some pain medicine and the anti-inflammatory drugs for the pain in the clavicle joint of my chest and it seemed to do the trick. I only needed one dosage, which is good. I think I just have to remember that my body will take a while to be back to normal and any acti

Frustrated does not even begin to describe how I felt today. When I arrived at work my security pass didn't work and my team leader had to be called. Apparantly they forgot to extend my access once I resigned my contract. Probably was just an oversight since I was away at the time. You would think that should have prepared me for the next bit, but it didn't. I surprised myself when logging on to my computer by remembering the old passwords. When your password expires it just prompts you to change it when you log on and after I did that I started getting a log-on error. I had to call help desk twice before they figured out that my host password had expired and had never been extended (same problem as with the security pass, but not as easy to fix). I had to have my team leader send a request for the host logon to be extended, which could take a few days. This means that for a while I don't have access to host applications, which rules out half of my job. Then I

I feel awful. Yesterday I ate too much, Too much for lunch, and too much at the party. I don't know why I did it. At one point I already felt full (which is a rarity for me on a normal eating day) and still had a slice of the cheesecake. Although it was a tiny slice, I know I shouldn't have. I don't even know around how many points I over did it by. I am afraid of going back to work today. I literally had bad dreams about it. I have to get moving and do some exercise before getting myself together for the day. I don't even want to eat today I feel so awful.

I've decided to use Flickr to share some of my pictures with all of you. Currently I have some from our Wedding Day, and just some random ones of me over the last year. Last night I made the chocolate treats and although I ate a few, I think I did very well in not eating lots of them. I can't say the same for my hubby, but I'm not counting his points. I leave that to him. This morning I went for a walk and got slightly damp in a bit of rain. I rented a palates dvd to try out and after less than 10 minutes was so bored I had to stop. Maybe I didn't give it a fair chance, but it was very boring and all the breathing techniques seem complicated. We're going to the Christmas BBQ tonight for mr ralph's co-workers and I'm hoping to not eat too much. I know there will be lots of goodies there, and I'm a bit afraid I won't have the willpower. These are the first necklaces I've made for gifts: Hope you enjoy the photos, and have a great

Wow. I weigh-in at 71.7 kilos (157.7 lbs), that is a 1.3 kilo loss (2.8 lbs). Unbelievable. I know I worked hard this week with exercise, but this has to be part of last week's loss because I know I had to have a lot of water-weight last Saturday. I've had a busy day today. I finished making the 2 necklaces for my friends. I think I will take some photos of them later and load them for everyone to see. I'm quite proud of the work I did since I just learned the technique required for this type of necklace yesterday. I also made a roll of homemade wrapping paper with sponges and paint. This was not as easy as I thought it would be and my cat made a mess. I had to throw him in the bath and wash blue paint off of his beautiful white fur. He was pretty good and only tried to escape once. He mostly just stood in the water for me. Tonight I am endeavoring to make these pretzel treats I found from taylor , but I have to alter it a bit since we don't have her

Yesterday I went through my closet with the intention of removing clothes that I no longer wear because they do not fit me anymore. This was harder than it sounds because the old me always hung on to her big clothes for fear that she would need them again. But this time is different. Each step of the way I have parted with the big clothes, lots of them still hold special places in my memories. I wore a size (US-18/20) in the beginning, and had some rather beautiful clothes. The physical act of getting rid of the clothes is making impact on me mentally. I am not giving myself an out. There will be nothing to wear if I gain weight. I don't even think I saved any of the before clothing except a pair of track pants that in winter I still throw on to sit around on the couch in. I won't give myself permission to not succeed. That is not an option. Soon I will be my healthy weight and won't have to get rid of clothes except for wear and tear. In the end, I

"Fat becomes your protection from anything you need protection from: men, women, sexuality (blossoming or developed), frightening feelings of any sort; it becomes your rebellion, your way of telling your parents, your lovers, the society around you, that you don't have to be who they want you to be. Fat becomes your way of talking. It says: I need help, go away, come closer, I can't, I won't, I'm angry, I'm sad. It becomes your vehicle for dealing with every problem you have. If you take away the fat without uncovering the needs it is expressing, you are left without a way to say what you do or don't want to, or don't know how to, or feel you can't directly. Fat speaks for you." Feeding the Hungry Heart by Geneen Roth I was re-reading this book again this week for like the hundreth time because of the feelings I had on the weekend and the above statement is so true for me. Food, and fat serves/has served a purpose in my life. I

The weather here is unbelievable. Sooo HOT last week and today a chill is in the air, almost feels like fall in the US and it is Summer. I can't believe how close Christmas is. I'm feeling a little better today. I'm still dealing with the swirling emotions and actually have begun thinking again that it may not be a bad idea to find out if there is an inexpensive way for me to start therapy here in Australia. It has been a while since I was in therapy and it could be very good. I've got control over my eating. Yesterday I did very well, and have discovered I absolutely love Nestle's diet choc delights , and they are sponsored by Weight Watchers and have the points on the package. Each is only 1 point. I went for 2 walks yesterday for a total of 50 minutes. I also walked 30 minutes first thing this morning. I'm finding it difficult to find ways to walk in my neighborhood without walking on the main streets for more than 30 minutes at a time.

I didn't think I was going to make it through yesterday. I know it sounds crazy, and part of me realises I should be able to take control over my emotions better than this, but I couldn't. I argued with mr ralph about why he didn't want to come to bed with me. He claims he said he'd be a few minutes and then when he came to bed I was passed out. Of course I was! But anyway I know that wasn't the real reason I was angry. I still don't know what motivated this awfulness other than pms, and granted I get really bad mood swings sometimes, this one took the cake. I even ate fast food yesterday knowing full well it will negatively affect my weightloss efforts for the week, and knowing I was doing it for comfort . Somewhere I read that knowing you are eating for comfort is half the battle! It didn't make me feel better knowing I enlisted food to help me deal with my bad day. All I really wanted to do was be alone, but Sunday is family dinner day

I gave in to my other evil indulgence last night. I let myself have an alcohol binge. I'm thankful that I didn't get sick, but I'm paying the price now with this tremendous headache. Yesterday was just one of those really bad emotional days. I knew in the back of my mind that the real reason my emotions were playing with me was due to the coming of my monthly penance for being a woman, yet it doesn't matter because it feels like the end of the world, no matter what the reason. First I got myself worked up over our finances. We're not in the poor house, but we seem to be living paycheck to paycheck now and just in time for Christmas. I wanted to go shopping and get some of our gift buying out of the way but we couldn't, and it depressed me. Then, mr. ralph and I were discussing how the present exchange this year is going to be hard no matter how it is done because it is the first Christmas his Dad won't be here. Mr ralph had tears in his voice and then

I stayed exactly the same. At least I don't have to edit my stats right? Bummer. I only hope this is not going to be a trend. That's all.

I've been awakened by the evil cat. This is my 2nd Saturday in a row to be up earlier than planned. But I did go to bed relatively early because I've been rising early every day this week. I could take advantage of this and go for a peaceful morning walk before I need to get dressed for my weight watchers meeting, but honestly I don't do that on Saturday mornings. I also usually have a nothing goes in my mouth rule pre-weigh in on Saturday mornings, but I couldn't help myself. This morning I had to have a cup of coffee, I'm so addicted. I think I have time to uh get rid of that before I step on the scale... sorry to share so much info. Last night, although I didn't make a great choice with dinner I am very happy to report on the amount I ate. We had pizza from this little Italian place we like and although I did eat half a bowl of chips (french fries for the Americans) I only ate 2 pieces of pizza, and they were normal sized. I didn't want any

I have one more week of not working. Yay. I made it. I am really looking forward to having more to do than sitting here and contemplating my next meal. We did really well this week and had salads for dinner every night. Except tonight we are going out to eat -- and I don't really know where or what I will have. It is almost 2pm and I haven't had lunch yet. My tummy is growling. I am afraid to eat too much knowing I will be eating out tonight, but I will have to eat something soon otherwise I will be starving and really overdo it when we go out. What a dilemma! Such is my very dull life. We will begin our Christmas shopping tonight and go see the movie Saw . I think it will be freaky, and I looking forward to it. I've read it is similar to the style of Seven and it is one of my favorite serial killer movies. This has been a fairly good week and I am hoping to see something good tomorrow on the scale. I will be happy with anything over a 400 gram loss s

Today I'm wishing that chocolate had the same caloric make up of say, carrots. That way I could eat the entire block my husband so graciously bought me yesterday when I said, "I've got a craving for some chocolate." We're not talking about a small-block here. We're talking family size. I've already consumed 3 serves of it since last night, and that isn't a lot. This particular one is a whopping point for 2 itty-bitty squares. That's right, 2. Yeah, you could say it is driving me insane. And he forgot to take it with him when he left (to give it away) so it won't tempt me for the rest of the day. Why does it have to taste so good? Why God Why? I'm feeling slightly better than I was two days ago, but sometimes when you experience a slap in the face like that, it takes a while to get the spring back into your step. I felt perfectly well this morning, and the weather is cool and beautiful, yet I still haven't had a

Even though yesterday was unbearable, I am happy that I didn't turn to food for comfort like I would have done so many times before. I stayed within my points range and that is an accomplishment. The pain is almost completely gone now. I haven't taken any pain medication since yesterday after I got home from the Doctor. What I want to do is go for a walk, even though I know the doctor told me to rest. I don't believe the walking was what caused the pain since I don't really use those joints in walking so... screw it, I'm out of here. Walking helps clear my head. I promise to make it an easy one.