"Fat becomes your protection from anything you need protection from: men, women, sexuality (blossoming or developed), frightening feelings of any sort; it becomes your rebellion, your way of telling your parents, your lovers, the society around you, that you don't have to be who they want you to be. Fat becomes your way of talking. It says: I need help, go away, come closer, I can't, I won't, I'm angry, I'm sad. It becomes your vehicle for dealing with every problem you have.
If you take away the fat without uncovering the needs it is expressing, you are left without a way to say what you do or don't want to, or don't know how to, or feel you can't directly. Fat speaks for you." Feeding the Hungry Heart by Geneen Roth
I was re-reading this book again this week for like the hundreth time because of the feelings I had on the weekend and the above statement is so true for me.
Food, and fat serves/has served a purpose in my life. It has been my way of expressing all of my hurts. I know why I've never been able to maintain a healthy weight in the past is because I eventually turn back to food for solace. I don't want this time to be the same. I know now is different because I have already acknowledged that overeating was a way of surviving. It was my way of really caring for myself the only way I knew how.
I have new ways of doing that. I have a wonderful husband that although cannot completely identify (be) me, he does listen and help when I need it.
I have to remind myself that the reason I overeat is intangible--a need unexpressed, a desire unfulfilled, feelings unspoken--and that no tangible substance (cheeseburgers and fries) is going to be able to meet it satisfactorily. After I plump up on whatever food I choose, the need will still be there, the feelings will still be unspoken, the pain will not go away. Like trying to fit a triangle into a circle shape, there will be empty spaces. When using food as a substitute, there will always be a hunger that I can't define.
Awareness requires a different kind of strength than dieting alone does. There are no rules to follow. Awareness says I have to go through an experience, rather than fill myself with food to push it away. If I am sad, I need to let myself be sad. I need to go to the bottom of the unhappiness, rather than push it away. It means that I have to become friends with my pain.
I can acknowledge that sometimes I will still use food to knock out the pain. I will notice when it is effective or not and how long the pain goes away for. In learning that food is not relieving my suffering, but in fact creating more, I can choose a more satisfying way to cope. My options need to be ways to nurture myself while giving the sadness a chance to wash away on its own.
If you take away the fat without uncovering the needs it is expressing, you are left without a way to say what you do or don't want to, or don't know how to, or feel you can't directly. Fat speaks for you." Feeding the Hungry Heart by Geneen Roth
I was re-reading this book again this week for like the hundreth time because of the feelings I had on the weekend and the above statement is so true for me.
Food, and fat serves/has served a purpose in my life. It has been my way of expressing all of my hurts. I know why I've never been able to maintain a healthy weight in the past is because I eventually turn back to food for solace. I don't want this time to be the same. I know now is different because I have already acknowledged that overeating was a way of surviving. It was my way of really caring for myself the only way I knew how.
I have new ways of doing that. I have a wonderful husband that although cannot completely identify (be) me, he does listen and help when I need it.
I have to remind myself that the reason I overeat is intangible--a need unexpressed, a desire unfulfilled, feelings unspoken--and that no tangible substance (cheeseburgers and fries) is going to be able to meet it satisfactorily. After I plump up on whatever food I choose, the need will still be there, the feelings will still be unspoken, the pain will not go away. Like trying to fit a triangle into a circle shape, there will be empty spaces. When using food as a substitute, there will always be a hunger that I can't define.
Awareness requires a different kind of strength than dieting alone does. There are no rules to follow. Awareness says I have to go through an experience, rather than fill myself with food to push it away. If I am sad, I need to let myself be sad. I need to go to the bottom of the unhappiness, rather than push it away. It means that I have to become friends with my pain.
I can acknowledge that sometimes I will still use food to knock out the pain. I will notice when it is effective or not and how long the pain goes away for. In learning that food is not relieving my suffering, but in fact creating more, I can choose a more satisfying way to cope. My options need to be ways to nurture myself while giving the sadness a chance to wash away on its own.
Comments
Keep talking, keep blogging, and thank you for your lovely insights and also for sharing from that book! I'm now very intrigued.