I gave in to my other evil indulgence last night. I let myself have an alcohol binge. I'm thankful that I didn't get sick, but I'm paying the price now with this tremendous headache.
Yesterday was just one of those really bad emotional days. I knew in the back of my mind that the real reason my emotions were playing with me was due to the coming of my monthly penance for being a woman, yet it doesn't matter because it feels like the end of the world, no matter what the reason.
First I got myself worked up over our finances. We're not in the poor house, but we seem to be living paycheck to paycheck now and just in time for Christmas. I wanted to go shopping and get some of our gift buying out of the way but we couldn't, and it depressed me. Then, mr. ralph and I were discussing how the present exchange this year is going to be hard no matter how it is done because it is the first Christmas his Dad won't be here. Mr ralph had tears in his voice and then I just started to cry. I think I cried for about 30 to 45 minutes. I didn't feel any better after doing it either.
Later we went to the pool and mr. ralph came with me because he said he wanted to cheer me up. He didn't swim, he doesn't like to show his body. He claims he doesn't like to swim, but I know that's not the reason. But he stayed in the shade and worked on his thesis, but at least he was there with me.
I had been invited out for drinks with a friend and I should have been less indulgent, but I knew I wouldn't be when given the opportunity to drink. When I came home mr ralph was working on his thesis still and I asked him to come to bed with me, when he said "not now" I took it personally and went to bed angry at him. I woke up still angry and although he is still sleeping I wish he was awake so I could pelt my anger at him.
Everything is boiling up inside and I don't even know what I'm really mad about.
I just read a beautiful entry by Stef. It has aroused all these feelings inside me. I've spent so much of my life hating myself, and although I've come a long way, I'm not completely there yet. I still have a difficult time really loving myself.
The first time I ever read anything similar to what stef wrote was when I read a book about how to survive sexual abuse, The Courage to Heal. There were specific exercises to help teach the reader how to love their bodies and stop inflicting hatred.
Damnit I can't even focus enough to write this. I feel like the floodgate is about to be broken inside me. I want to read the book and I don't have it here. I think I left it at my mother's house.
I read those things, and I have tried to listen heal from the inside out. Overindulgence is just a coping mechanism. It is what I do when I cannot cope. It is what I do when I have nothing else to do. When I am fat no one will want me. Why would anyone want to touch me?
I hate that I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life. There will never come a day when I won't be a sexual abuse survivor. I will not pass Go, I will not collect $200. I have to live the rest of my life with the demons and I have to suffer through any emotional hiccups. I just wish that it would all just go away.
I'm sick of being "strong" and just sick of days like this.
Yesterday was just one of those really bad emotional days. I knew in the back of my mind that the real reason my emotions were playing with me was due to the coming of my monthly penance for being a woman, yet it doesn't matter because it feels like the end of the world, no matter what the reason.
First I got myself worked up over our finances. We're not in the poor house, but we seem to be living paycheck to paycheck now and just in time for Christmas. I wanted to go shopping and get some of our gift buying out of the way but we couldn't, and it depressed me. Then, mr. ralph and I were discussing how the present exchange this year is going to be hard no matter how it is done because it is the first Christmas his Dad won't be here. Mr ralph had tears in his voice and then I just started to cry. I think I cried for about 30 to 45 minutes. I didn't feel any better after doing it either.
Later we went to the pool and mr. ralph came with me because he said he wanted to cheer me up. He didn't swim, he doesn't like to show his body. He claims he doesn't like to swim, but I know that's not the reason. But he stayed in the shade and worked on his thesis, but at least he was there with me.
I had been invited out for drinks with a friend and I should have been less indulgent, but I knew I wouldn't be when given the opportunity to drink. When I came home mr ralph was working on his thesis still and I asked him to come to bed with me, when he said "not now" I took it personally and went to bed angry at him. I woke up still angry and although he is still sleeping I wish he was awake so I could pelt my anger at him.
Everything is boiling up inside and I don't even know what I'm really mad about.
I just read a beautiful entry by Stef. It has aroused all these feelings inside me. I've spent so much of my life hating myself, and although I've come a long way, I'm not completely there yet. I still have a difficult time really loving myself.
The first time I ever read anything similar to what stef wrote was when I read a book about how to survive sexual abuse, The Courage to Heal. There were specific exercises to help teach the reader how to love their bodies and stop inflicting hatred.
Damnit I can't even focus enough to write this. I feel like the floodgate is about to be broken inside me. I want to read the book and I don't have it here. I think I left it at my mother's house.
I read those things, and I have tried to listen heal from the inside out. Overindulgence is just a coping mechanism. It is what I do when I cannot cope. It is what I do when I have nothing else to do. When I am fat no one will want me. Why would anyone want to touch me?
I hate that I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life. There will never come a day when I won't be a sexual abuse survivor. I will not pass Go, I will not collect $200. I have to live the rest of my life with the demons and I have to suffer through any emotional hiccups. I just wish that it would all just go away.
I'm sick of being "strong" and just sick of days like this.
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