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Remember me fondly

I should be feeling really good about myself right now. The weight is on the way down again. I only know this because of my clothes, because of course the scale is still a scary object to me right now.

Tragic really. I do not want to see a number.

At the moment feel like I love more than I will ever be loved. I know there is so much love that I have to give, but also that I have so much to lose at the same time because I give of myself so freely. Reminds me of one of my favorite Sarah McLachlan songs. You know which one?
From Fear:
But I fear, I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
There's nothing I'd like better than to fall
But I fear, I have nothing to give
But I fear, I have so much to lose

It is so hard to give of yourself completely when you are afraid.

I've been listening to my Sarah cd's a lot lately. I go through periods of time when I don't listen at all, and then I obsess and listen to every song over and over and over again.

I don't know how, but it is like she is speaking through me, or something like that. I absolutely love her lyrics, her voice, her style. She is amazing.

I wish I was a fraction as talented as she is.

So. I wish I had all the answers. God, do I ever. I don't. All I can do is keep going. Take things day by day; where will we end up? Where will I be next year? In ten years? I don't know.

I hope that after I am gone there will be someone around to say, "She was a girl who really loved. She wore her heart on her sleeve. She gave unselfishly. She was beautiful."

Comments

Margaret said…
Hey Ms Ralph. Sorry I haven't popped in lately but been flat out trying not to freeze. Oh and cleaning the house - again!! Does it ever stop :D

But have updated my links so now will be able to remember to call in and say hi on a more regular basis.

I'm a little late but if you would still like to play the word game - your letter is 'N'. I am updating my sidebar as each person does there letter - I find it a great way to learn a little bit more about each person.

I hope you have a lovely cold sunny day today :D
12:51 pm
Anonymous said…
you can bet your bottom dollar that I will be standing there saying more than that about you sweety. You are so much like me. You give everything and then when people aren't like us and they don't give anything back, we are the ones that get hurt. But, we are also the ones that just smile it away in public and keep on keeping on. If Sarah is any kind of person, she will definitely make her way back into your life one day. Anyone who believes that they are better off without you in their life, is a screw loose!
5:31 pm
Wenchy said…
This was a beautiful entry.

I feel that exact thought... no idea where I will be next year or in ten years time... but I hope it is fabulous!
7:07 am
Jocelyn said…
Hey there, I still read you regularly, just so flat out right now that I havent had time to comment in many places at all. I am sorry to read that things are still really tough for you, but just the fact that you think so deeply on all of these things makes be believe that you will find your way to the other side.

Just hang in there, the only real failure is to give up completely.

:-)
10:04 am
Jeanna said…
Honey, we all wish we had all the answers. Keep your chin up :o)

Congrats on the weight going in the right direction again!
2:31 am
Argy said…
My friend, my sweet and loving friend,

Just know one thing. There is a solution you know. One and only actually.

The moment you turn all this love you have inside you to yourself, things magically fall into place. It is not selfish, it is not egoistical, it is just how things should be. Now I better go, before I begin to sound like ...what was her name...Anne Hay I think?

All this inside you is yours to harvest first. Then you begin to give it away.

I'm here
7:22 pm
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