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Size matters

What is the difference between an AU10 and an AU12?

-Desire
-Time
-Effort
-Commitment
-Exercise
-around 5 kilos give or take...

That list could go on and on, but what I really want to say this: I am sick of not being able to wear my size 10 clothes!

I knew this was going to happen to me. When I hovered around 67 kilos and was wearing a lot of size 10 clothes. I got burnt out. I was sick of it all. I couldn't reach 63 kilos and I literally gave up.

Now I don't know how much I weigh, my guess is around 70-73. Thankfully I wear size 12 very comfortably and don't need to buy new clothes...

But I want to be where I was again. I liked being thinner, I felt better.

The last few months I have been in serious denial. I avoid the clothes I know I can't wear in my closet (wardrobe) and I tell myself that I am still beautiful. I'm not anywhere near as fat as I was when I moved here.

Last night I ate a seafood basket when we were out. We all know what that is right? Fried fish, scallops, calamari... Afterwards I had a mental talk with myself. It went a little like this:

Do you really need to eat like this? Wouldn't you have been happy with the Salmon? You need to get a hold of your eating now or you will be buying new clothes. You won't like that! You can't afford that!

I probably said a few horrible things to myself too, about how disgusting I am. Mr. ralph told me the other day, "I wish you wouldn't talk to yourself like that. Maybe you should say I am getting thinner, instead of I am so fat."

I started to think about that, and the man has a point. Obviously all the negativity I am spewing on myself isn't helping me.

I have 2 weeks leave starting Monday. I have decided to use my time to organize myself. I am going to be my own personal trainer. I am going to get a move on and start exercising daily. I am going to work up a food plan that is doable, one that doesn't leave me completely deprived and looking for snacks on day 3. I know what I can do during the work day and I will find a way to make it doable exercise wise too. I know what I need to do. I can't afford to go back to Weight Watchers, but I don't need to. I have all the tools.

Today I am doing the shopping. So that means I need to plan what I will be eating, now. I am trying to decide if I want to go low-carb. I think I do because in the past eating more lean protein has been good for me. It keeps me fuller.

The main thing I know I will need to eliminate from my current diet that is going to be the toughest is wine. I love my wine, especially on the nights when I am alone. This is a problem. I know that alcohol is a crutch, a lot like food for me it comforts me.

My issues are numerous right now. But it would be stupid of me to let these things get the best of me. I am strong enough to take control of this. If I get started now, I may be into my size 10's by summer... And you know if I am depressed about the size of my legs and arms now, when I have to put on my bathers it is going to get much worse. I can't avoid bathers either because I love the warm sun on my skin so much. Curses! I guess I better get my shit together now then.

There is also another thing I want to do during my 2 weeks off. I want to start writing my book. I have lots of material. Can you believe that lately I burst into tears at work? Too much emotions all bottled up. I need to write it all down. I have a best-seller just waiting to be written. Will I actually write? I don't know. That is the plan.

I will at the very least chronicle my 2 weeks here. I plan to write at least once a day. This is going to keep me honest and I have always been more committed when I have been writing.

Comments

Lidian said…
I can really relate to everything you wrote in this post - sounds a lot like where I am at now. Trying on the clothes that were baggy on me last summer and I miss that feeling but it is so hard not to have treats when I fel I deserve them (a lot just now, as I am under a lot of stress). Plus also the book I was working on so nicely this spring (though all in various haphazard chunks)? Not so much right now. I feel lazy and yet I need to write,I really do! I am looking forward to hearing how your 2 weeks are going - your plans all sound really good. And please tell us a little about your book, unless it is too personal (I can totally inderstand that, so please forgive me if that is out of line, I kind of have a huge problem talking about my book even to DH so, um, there you go)
11:47 am
Anonymous said…
You will get through this.
11:48 am
Anonymous said…
I'm so glad you keep mentioning planning. It's job one, when it comes to weight loss or anything else worthwhile. All the best.
9:16 am
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