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Afraid to be thin

I didn't lose weight this week. I basically gained a small amount (300 grams) and because I didn't want to be weighed I almost didn't go to my Weight Watchers meeting.

I did go though. I'm happy with the invention of the 'no weigh' card that allows you to not get on the scale if you don't want to. I am also glad I went because I needed some motivation.

I sat at home all day on Saturday reading my weight-loss magazines like Shape, Fitness, and Slimming. I was encouraged and although most of the day I stuck to a reasonable amount of points, I didn't mentally prepare myself for the party we went to that night.

In case you are new to what points are, the weight loss plan I am on assigns points values to all food and each person has a set # they can eat per day/week in order to achieve weight loss.

There was food and I ate with abandon. I drank a lot as well. I don't even know how many points I went over my allowance for the day.

Needless to say I am not very happy.

For some reason I see myself as fat as I was when I began, even though I'm two-thirds of the way to my goal. I am disgusted. I lack self-control. I've reached a point where I am starting to think I subconsciously am keeping myself from getting past this point. I am afraid to be thin.

Of course I have resolve to do well this week. I have allowed myself to sit on the couch all day and not utilize the time I have to my advantage. I should be walking everyday, twice a day! I can do that. Walking is not that hard and it doesn't hurt my neck.

I will do this. I want this so much. I can taste it.

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