livingforrecovery

I didn't do as well on Tuesday as Wednesday with my eating, but it is because we went to a lodge dinner last night. I did well and choose the Barramundi, although it was served with hollandaise sauce! It was delish! Oh it was so yummy. The major downfall of my eating was having wine. I had no willpower at all when it came to the alcohol. Sparkpeople says I should eat between 1200 and 1550 calories a day and yesterday I stayed just under that. I also walked for over an hour. I still feel like I should be doing more.

I went walking today.. and as I approached the McDonalds I thought about going in and just getting an ice-cream cone. I had not eaten yet and was starving, but I knew if I went in I would probably buy something else like a hamburger or frenchfries. I didn't do it. I resisted and kept walking. It was actually very hard to do, but I did it.

When you aren't feeling very happy with your body, the last thing you should do is go try on clothes. Does anyone else who lives in Australia find it amazing how jeans are all sized differently? In one brand/style a size 12 is loose and fits nice, in another the size 14 is too tight. So frustrating! But let us get to the good news. The report for yesterday is good. I did well for the first day, but could have exercised more. I ate 4651 KJ/1105 calories. As for exercise I walked for around 30 minutes. I should have done more. I was going to walk home from the city, but decided it was too dark and cold. During the day it was beautiful though. I am thinking pretty seriously about walking right after I finish this entry. On the writing front, I think I have a few ideas flowing. I think I will just write and worry about the details later, it seems better that way. And for those of you interested in my subject matter, it is actually going to be a novel based on bits and piec...

What is the difference between an AU10 and an AU12? -Desire -Time -Effort -Commitment -Exercise -around 5 kilos give or take... That list could go on and on, but what I really want to say this: I am sick of not being able to wear my size 10 clothes! I knew this was going to happen to me. When I hovered around 67 kilos and was wearing a lot of size 10 clothes. I got burnt out. I was sick of it all. I couldn't reach 63 kilos and I literally gave up. Now I don't know how much I weigh, my guess is around 70-73. Thankfully I wear size 12 very comfortably and don't need to buy new clothes... But I want to be where I was again. I liked being thinner, I felt better. The last few months I have been in serious denial. I avoid the clothes I know I can't wear in my closet (wardrobe) and I tell myself that I am still beautiful. I'm not anywhere near as fat as I was when I moved here. Last night I ate a seafood basket when we were out. We all know what that is right? ...

Last night I ate Singapore noodles and fried rice from my favorite Asian place. Mr. ralph and I have been so broke for the last couple of months that spending $35 on take-away is a luxury. So we did it last night. I shouldn't have eaten the whole serve, but I did. My tummy ached from the fullness. The plan was that this weekend things will be different. I will exercise, and I will eat healthy. So this morning after being woke up by the Big Cat, Buckley twice I got my butt out of bed, put on my walking gear and hit the street. It was a cold, wet morning. I really did not want to be walking. The first 10 minutes were the hardest. Along the way I did stop a few times to look at the Salvos shop and have a coffee. Walking down the main road I went past so many temptations: a bakery, where I could smell the bread baking; McDonald's where I could smell the hashbrowns being fried in canola oil; and finally the last one, a cafe, where I stopped and ate and had my coffee. Why ...

I wish I could tell you guys that everything is on track and that the reason I have not been writing is because life has just been too good. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Winter is generally a crap time of year for me. I thought that this one I could get a handle on it and not have it get the best of me. I was wrong. Exercise? Who me? Eat healthy? Um no. Last night I wanted chips so mr. ralph went out at midnight and got us chips and dip and we sat in our pj's watching the England and Portugal quarter final stuffing our faces. Am I painting a pretty picture? For the most part I eat well. I do. I do not stock my house with these kinds of foods. I have learned that because I am an emotional eater, it is better if I don't. But mr. ralph is too easy. Where I won't go out and buy something at midnight, if I ask him too he will go for me. Yes, I do believe we are in a co-dependent relationship, even where food is concerned. We both eat when we feel emotional....

I should be feeling really good about myself right now. The weight is on the way down again. I only know this because of my clothes, because of course the scale is still a scary object to me right now. Tragic really. I do not want to see a number. At the moment feel like I love more than I will ever be loved. I know there is so much love that I have to give, but also that I have so much to lose at the same time because I give of myself so freely. Reminds me of one of my favorite Sarah McLachlan songs. You know which one? From Fear : But I fear, I have nothing to give I have so much to lose here in this lonely place Tangled up in our embrace There's nothing I'd like better than to fall But I fear, I have nothing to give But I fear, I have so much to lose It is so hard to give of yourself completely when you are afraid. I've been listening to my Sarah cd's a lot lately. I go through periods of time when I don't listen at all, and then I obsess and listen to e...

I don't know why, but this morning I woke up early and without anything better to do I looked at photos. This is me and Sarah. We ended our friendship on some pretty bad terms, but right now when looking at this picture I remember all the good times we had together. She was one of the first women in Australia I truly felt comfortable with.

The last day of our Anna Stewart Memorial Project we were asked to create something to present to everyone that talked about our personal experience over the last 2 weeks. One of the suggestions was to write a poem. I decided to join that group, but as I was sitting there around the table with the others in my group I felt this enormous pressure to write and nothing was coming out. Everyone at the table of course remembered from earlier that I mentioned one of the things that I do in my spare time is um, write. Yesterday on the bus I had to write. I had all these thoughts and feelings swirling around... I felt compelled and I didn't have a notebook but instead wrote on the back of something I had been carrying around in my bag. Today? Nothing. I had a very interesting session with R. this week. I felt like she did all of the talking. There was so much I wanted to say, but more importantly I did not want to hear her. Although this week I have noticed that I have lost weight ...

Right now I am thinking about the fact that my readership has dwindled to a rare few. Why? Maybe because I stopped being serious about losing weight? Maybe because I have offended some or most? I don't know the answer. I just know you aren't reading me. Also, I am happy that I don't have anything bad to eat in my house. I could eat an entire pizza, minimum chips, and an entire bag of doritos right now. Today was a very bad day. Toast? Tangerines? Banana anyone? Oh, I forgot to mention it is the first day of my period. Being a woman totally sucks sometimes. We experience emotions that are all over the place on a normal day, then we fucking have to bleed where blood should not be, and experience CRAMPS. I mean seriously, are you kidding?

The red shoes story hits far too close to home for me. I was reading more of it last night and I of course had to stop. So sneaking things that you need when your life is not fulfilling is a bad thing? Wow. Anyway, I am sick. I haven't been working because last week and this week is the Anna Stewart Memorial Project . If you don't know what that is, it is a mentoring project for women in unions in memorial of Anna Stewart, who was an amazing union organiser. It has been very rewarding and I still have a week left of it. I've already met some pretty amazing women too. I am very grateful for the opportunity to participate in this. Did I mention I ate cake for breakfast? The excuse is Friday was Mr. ralph's 30th and his mum's neighbour made this amazing cake and sent us 3 pieces last night. I ate half of one last night and Mr. ralph left one piece and it was so good I couldn't resist. I have been very lazy this weekend, but I am sick damnit! I have a pla...

hun-ger n. 1. A strong desire or need for food. The discomfort, weakness, or pain caused by a prolonged lack of food. 2. A strong desire or craving: a hunger for affection. I have been hungry for most of my life. I don't want to die hungry. For the most part my hunger is not physical. Although sometimes it is. But I know that it is easier for me to fill up with food in order to satisfy this emptiness. I know that I need to address the different forms my hunger takes, but instead I continually fall into the trap of believing I will be happy if I can just be thin. All of my problems will magically disappear. The hunger will subside if I can be a size 10. If I can look hot in a bathing suit I will no longer feel lonely. If only those jeans will fit me again. If only I didn't have such dumpy legs. If only I had a perfect body that everyone envied. I had a very good run of feeling better about myself. The exercise had a lot to do with it, but I still haven't lost muc...

I still haven't finished that section. I blame it on seeing myself in the story. The explanation of what happens to her and her desire for the shoes is similar to something I am experiencing now. The writer describes it as somewhat of a famine in her life. She was psychologically starving. Having something you need be missing from your life for a significantly long time is very detrimental to the decisions you make. I felt so fat yesterday. I had one of the worst self-image days I have had in a very long time. Everything contributed to it. I wanted to wear a jacket that is now too tight, it doesn't matter that when I bought it last winter it barely fit and I knew a half a kilo more would make it too small... I also felt every inch of my jeans pushing into my skin. I hate my legs and arms. Sometimes I want to cut strips off of my body. I don't like telling people these things. I think they will look at me and think what a crazy person I am. Does anyone else ever f...

I am reading this book that is absolutely incredible that R. loaned to me during our very first session. It is called, Women Who Run With the Wolves - Contacting the Power of the Wild Woman . The author's doctorate is in ethono-clinical psychology, which is a study of both clinical psychology and ethnology, the latter emphasizing the study of the psychology of groups, tribes in paticular. The book is a collection of stories that elucidate the Wild Woman relationship. Although that all sounds like quite a mouthful, the book is very insightful. I am enjoying it so much. The title of today's entry is from the last story I just read. Once I finish the chapter I hopefully will write about it for you. On Friday I went out for drinks (surprise) and somehow ended up on the topic of me and my weight-loss efforts. A few people were completely take aback that I have weighed 100 kilos. We got around to talking about how I don't know what I weigh right now, but that I want to lo...

What is it that is so irresistible about potato chips? I have done well this week except for freaking potato chips! Mr. ralph had some left over from his footy night on the weekend and I had to eat them. This is why I do not buy them. Having them in my house is just too hard for me. They're so crunchy, salty, mmm lovely. And you know what I despise? Chicken Flavour. There is a reason we do not have it in America. If we did there would be no skinny people at all in the US. I am looking forward to tonight. I am starting a Thai cooking class. Yes! If there is a way to make it healthy I will find it! Tuesday night I had a mind numbing session with R. She really knows how to shake me up and make me think about things I'd rather not think about. First it feels like I am having a cup of tea with a girlfriend and we are gossiping, next thing I know she turns it all around on me and it sucks! It really does. She gave me this writing exercise to do that I attempted yesterday be...

Wow, how easy is it for me to get side-tracked? This week wasn't a very successful one where my weight is concerned. Who needs a scale to know when things aren't going right? I remember a time when I was obsessed with knowing how much I weigh, and now I am obsessed with not knowing. I did want to start tracking my calories last week, but I neglected to do it. I also fell back into having lots of excuses not to go walking. In my defense I spent most of the day yesterday lying down with a hot pack on my lower abdomen, because the Gods were laughing at me. Being a woman is not always a good thing. The pain is excruciating this time. I know there is something wrong with me, but my doctor can't find anything. I am really wondering if I should not just go see a gynecologist. The main thing holding me back is money. I had a great night on Friday night going out with a co-worker who is fast becoming my new best mate. She wanted to go out for dinner so we met up after wo...

I should stop starting every entry with the fact that I don't know my weight, but I feel it is necessary. I don't know it. But I know that I still have around 10 kilos I want to lose. I know this instinctively. I am considering weighing myself soonish, but I am not ready. If I weigh above 70 it will really hurt my pride. The thing is most of the time I feel really good. Yesterday I walked into the city again. Feels amazing to do that! After I was there I had a coffee and walked around a bit and then came back up through Norwood. Then mr. ralph met me for lunch. I didn't eat very healthy, but I was starving. Last night I decided it is time to start counting calories again. I am going to use SparkPeople I feel as if I am ready to do this. I have decided that I can commit myself to tracking and exercise for 2 months. I will do it. I should lose at least between 5-10 kilos. And if I don't what have I lost in time? Two months. That is all. Plus I am really re...

Can you believe I still do not want to know how much I weigh? On the weekend I walked a lot again. It is becoming obvious to me that I will soon have to start walking even greater distances because it is too easy for me now to walk for 1 hour. Anyway, the good news is this wonderful woman that knew me a while ago when she worked at a cafe in the city (and I was at least 80 kilos or more) has since started working at the cafe near me that I walk to on the weekends. When she saw me this weekend she said, "Hi skinny girl!" It made my year! Me, a skinny girl? And if you are a long term reader you may remember that a while ago I bought some Adidas sports pants (the non-stretch kind) and they are a size 10. When I bought them they were tight but wearable as long as I wasn't in public. Then I lost enough that they fit. Of course I put on so much that I wouldn't have dreamt of trying to wear them.... and yet, on Monday I did! I wore them and in public! I know that I cou...

I have noticed my clothes finally feeling looser again. I feel good. I haven't walked that much this week, but I do plan to walk today. I had a few drinks on Friday night and had to go to the doctor on Saturday morning. It just didn't work out for me to walk because we had somewhere to go midday... The good thing is the desire was there. I have my desire to exercise and that is awesome. Eating? Well eating hasn't been that great this weekend, but during the week I know I was doing very well. I have cut out snacks. I didn't even plan to do it really, but began only eating 3 meals a day without snacking. It works. We have been so busy at work that I don't have time to think about food. I don't know what I weigh yet. I don't want to spoil this feeling I have by seeing a number that I may not be happy with. For now I feel good. I feel like I am doing the right things, most of the time. I know I will eventually cave in and weigh-in. But I plan to ho...

This long weekend has been utterly fantastic for me fitness wise. I walked every single day for at least 90 minutes. I feel very good when I am walking. I love the air on my face, I love my ipod, and I love how my legs feel when pushed. I am seriously considering taking up cycling, just for fitness of course. I would have to invest a lot in buying the bike so I don't know how soon I can do it. Mr. ralph's 30th is looming and I need ideas of what we can do that would be special for him. I have suggested we have a dress up dinner/party and use the Deadwood theme. For those that don't know it, it is old west. I love the outfits the women wear back then. I want to buy a sexy corset anyway, just for fun. ;) I really like Joanie and her hats.