Wow.
I had no idea this content was still here, and yes jezus I don't even
remember how blogger works, but I know that I want to write. I like the
idea that maybe just maybe someone will read it, but I also just like that I
can type a hell of a lot faster than I can put pen to paper, and I've already
tried 2 of the newer 'blog sites' like Medium etc. but something about me says
that reading someone's thoughts on addiction or depression, or whatever it is
you have searched for, you SHOULD be able to read the content for free, I mean
come on! We put up with ads already.
Plus I can't really say I want the content and old comments to be
gone. They are there, they are me. But I do wish I could change the
title. I just want to write, right now and not fiddle with starting a new
blog.
So I've really been struggling with giving up alcohol since 2010? I sort of
wish I knew the exact amount of stats and stops but the number is probably VERY
BIG.
I have seriously felt like I've kicked this! and BOOM I drink at a Pizza hut
in a plastic cup and feel oh man I love this.
I first found AA that year. 2010 that is. I also was hit by a car that same
year. 2 really may I say HUGE events to happen to an alcoholic in ONE
year. The same year that she still thinks she is drinking for fun, but
knows she has a problem. That is 11 years.
I know that my Sponsor, George, would say that was when the recovery
started, and he is correct. My first sponsor was exactly what I needed at
the time, however the relationship did not build a solid foundation for me to
remain sober. It introduced me to Al-anon though, and this enabled me to
see how my early relationships with my family did not necessarily mean that I
would also be alcoholic, but that it would affect my life and the decisions I
made.
I was also able to open up to a woman who wasn't my age and wasn't a
'friend'. Georgie helped me in so many ways and I am not as angry at her as
George is, but I also have no need for her in my life. I'm not sure if
that comes across bad or what, but I can't say I care. :)
I want to be free of judgements of regrets, of hate.
I cannot say that I will love everyone equally, in fact there is a woman
that works at the school where I clean in the afternoons that has really pushed
me away from her.
So recently I picked up this idea again of writing a memoir. I need
to. I know it cannot happen without being strict with myself. I
don't have to write it in a week, but I need to schedule writing, like this,
into my week. I don’t want to say daily, because there are other things
I'd like to do daily, for example like meditate for as little as 10 minutes and
I've het to make myself stick to that.
In this past relapse I did all the things I used to do to help keep me
sober. I attended AA, I read blogs, I researched why relapses happen, I
listened to podcasts, I said not today! Yet in a moment of exhaustion leaving
work from the canteen I said yes and gave in. I have asked the oracle
(what I call my HP currently) over and over again why the cravings won't go
away, I mean come on I've been begging for years. I would offer the life of my
1st born son if you had given me the ability to have children for the answer! I
mean come on! So it will take longer than a year for me to see a real
decline in cravings??? Is this what you are telling me, because my personal
best days of sobriety exceed a year.
I really need to find my external moue because writing without it sucks.
When I get super quiet I can hear this crackling in my ears... I seriously
don't know what that is but um, wax?
Distracted.
I allow myself to do that. It won't work otherwise.
Today I have things I do daily to help me keep the drinking voice at bay,
but this super cool Canadian sober coach named Belle says we need more
tools. Like tools we keep and stick to when we notice they work. This is
the one thing I have NOT tried, I've not stuck to anything for longer than 2
years that keeps me sober.
Oh I've got a bucket and a half full of excuses. Like having to move from
Port Melbourne due to the fact that my housemate had already decided she had
enough of being sober and went back to drinking and making my life a daily
hell. Then injuring my back at the new Yoga studio near my new place of
residence that led to no more yoga. I quite quickly went back to drinking.
Excuses are for losers.
I'm out of excuses.
I've signed up for a course with an existing friend who does a combination
exercise, food, sleep program. Yes I signed up and paid her before I thought it
through.. but. During our first phone/skype zoom meeting/whatever she does I
will have to be honest with her if I feel like Eric Zimmer would be a better
more cost-worthy fit, then she only has to refund me what she thinks she
should.
My interview/conversation with Eric is on Monday. OMG I am like super
nervous. He is like my superhero. The man not only has recovered from
alcohol TWICE, he has also recovered from heroine and runs the MOST incredible
amazing podcast that I cannot live without. He has influenced my life so much
since I started listening to him and I cannot get over the fact that Iget to
talk to him!!!!!!!! WOW
yeah I am a fan. I hope I don’t make a fool of myself hahah.
So what has the answer been from the Oracle (through Iching readings) if you
are curious.
The answer has been Biting Through.
Imagine having something tough in your teeth and you gnaw through it.
That is the feeling it brings up. So that being said, wow. Thanks. I
already know it is not easy to chew. But WHY? The next thing it
says is, what you are learning in the experience is the connection
between what we do (or actions) and what happens to us.
This of course causes so many things to come up in people. Like am I really
to blame for bad things happening to me?!?!?!
Well if you drink too much alcohol (poision) and you know beforehand that
once you have one sip you are hard wired to switch ON with, I need more, more
more!! and then you wake up the next day regretting breaking this
sobriety stretch AGAIN, and yet it hasn't made you feel good. In fact you feel
guilty. Your voice then starts saying, well since you drank today, why not
continue to drink tonight?
We all know how this goes.
We've been there before.
IT is only when we decide that on day 2, 3 or 100 that everything (including
having cravings is better when you do not listen to the voice.)
The writers of the BB of AA talk about people like me, "those
unfortunates that cannot be honest with themselves.."
I cannot let that be me.
I cannot.
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