Skip to main content

A downward spiral

Oh how I would love to write something inspiring and chirpy to say that I've started 2005 on the right foot, but I can't lie to you like that.

I'm putting the pictures here because I said I would, but as I look at them I feel so much self loathing. It is hard to believe I felt good in that dress when my arms are so freakishly huge.

The body parts I hate the most right now are my arms, and my legs. I wonder if 9 more kilos will actually make much difference?

If I look like this now, how must I have looked at 220 pounds?

The thought makes me want to hurl.

So yes, I hate myself right now. There is no way to sugarcoat it.
nyedress This is me on New Year's Eve just before heading out the door. I made the necklace I'm wearing.

Me and mr. ralph on Christmas day.

Yesterday was the first day on the no-carb diet and I did well. I was pretty hungry even though I ate around 18 points (I'm allowed 20 on weight watchers). I don't think I am one of those people that feels fuller when I eat protein, but I'm going to see it through for the 2 weeks. I finish what I start.

And finally the one photo I like because you can't see my flab.

christmas04 061

Comments

theaddict said…
A little post-entry note:
Thanks for the compliments, here and in my email. I am beginning to think that I need to work a lot on my self-image during 2005. I have fat-girl syndrome when it comes to seeing myself in pictures or in the mirror. And my arms, well I can work on that too. Everything is possible.
1:00 pm
Anonymous said…
heya chickie! found your site through BOB, and I am heaps glad that I did. I haev fat girl syndrome and I wonder when I won't. I wonder when I will have skinny chick worries like, "Oh my god that edible g-string doesn't come in a size 8 - and all the rest are too big!" Oh - I can dream can't I?? You are now linked to my site!
1:04 pm
Denise said…
I second what airlie said, except the part about ever being a size 8 (I won't) or wearing edible g-strings (no g-strings or thongs for this girl), but everything else is exactly what I was thinking! And you are totally linked on my site, too, and were PRE-BoB.
1:40 pm
Style Me Organized said…
you look gorgeous. get over it. no matter how small you get there will always be something. you are taking care of yourself, putting your health and well being first and doing that will put you where you are meant to be. physically and otherwise.

i think you look great so shut up. the dress is great, the necklace fabulous and your smile is shiney lovely.

by the way, i'm going to make you my blog of the week, if that's ok? starts tomorrow.
2:43 pm
Anonymous said…
I hope you can learn that the appearance isn't as much of a concern as just the health. As long as you keep trying to live as healthfully as you can, things will be ok.
(Be careful no matter which diet you're on, low carb included. Most people take in too much sodium which causes you to retain excess fluids and that never looks or feels good. It's also bad for your heart.)

LibertyBob
3:29 pm
drawdawn said…
I think you look great too. I just started reading your blog and you've been an inspiration! I am starting a weight loss support group in a few days and am SO gonna need all those kicks in the ass to keep it up.

Getting healthy is an awesome thing. Rock on!

(I love the necklace too!)
1:13 am
Ms. Lori said…
It makes me sad that you can't see how beautiful you are -- and slim! But even if you had a few extra pounds on you, you'd still be beautiful.

It's about time you tell those nasty voices in your head to shut up and leave you the hell alone once and for all.

You deserve to enjoy your youth and your obvious good looks. Stare at yourself in a full length mirror, pose, make googoo eyes at yourself -- believe in the beauty that is reflected back at you. Believe!
9:38 am
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A trip down memory lane

Hello to all of you all of you coming via Michele , thanks for stopping by and I only hope it was worth the trip over. I began reading through the questions on the Slimmer of The Year application today. Of course there are so many things I want to include, but I can't possibly write everything I want to or they will be getting a novel. When I started thinking of how long I have been overweight and the reasons I struggled for so long with food and weight issues a lot of memories came back to me. I've been challanged by my weight for most of my life. Granted some of that time I only thought I was fat when I really wasn't. The point is that I have been fat inside my head for as long as I can remember. One of the most shameful and embarrassing moments was when I was 15 and some of the boys in my class thought it was funny to sing "thunder, thunder, thunder thighs hooooooo!" when they saw me coming to the tune of the cartoon "Thunder Cats." That experie...
20 comments
Read more

Life happens

I wish I could tell you guys that everything is on track and that the reason I have not been writing is because life has just been too good. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Winter is generally a crap time of year for me. I thought that this one I could get a handle on it and not have it get the best of me. I was wrong. Exercise? Who me? Eat healthy? Um no. Last night I wanted chips so mr. ralph went out at midnight and got us chips and dip and we sat in our pj's watching the England and Portugal quarter final stuffing our faces. Am I painting a pretty picture? For the most part I eat well. I do. I do not stock my house with these kinds of foods. I have learned that because I am an emotional eater, it is better if I don't. But mr. ralph is too easy. Where I won't go out and buy something at midnight, if I ask him too he will go for me. Yes, I do believe we are in a co-dependent relationship, even where food is concerned. We both eat when we feel emotional....
4 comments
Read more

Unbelievable results

You may have noticed that I changed the 70 to the left to 71. I don't know how it happened, but I actually gained weight this week. What is happening to me? I don't know what is going on, but the scale did say 71 two days in a row. Yes, I am at the end of my TOM and that could contribute to some of it, but a whole kilo? I looked at my calorie count from this week and I went over 1500 only 2 days, Friday and Saturday. Although I did much better this weekend than last, I still struggled with eating more on my off days than during the week. Another reason I had a horrific week was the heat. We had 4 days of over 40C in a row. Now that is just wrong. I can't handle heat very well. I did go for a walk on Saturday and when I came home thought I was going to die from heat exhaustion. Not good at all. I almost declared this week a no-weigh week due to my TOM but have decided to take it as it comes. So I weigh 71 today. Excuse my language but that number really scares the ...
15 comments
Read more