Alright Brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But lets just do this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.

Ahh, what a long week. I'm so glad to be at home sitting here. You have no idea.

I just read the comment from Silverella saying she missed my posts. It feels good to be missed, but to tell you the truth, I have not felt like writing. I haven't felt very much like myself this week, and today has got to be the worst day of all.

I am angry and have no idea in what direction to throw my anger. Have you ever felt that way? It is a ridiculous place to be in. The anger of course gets sent inward.

I was doing well with eating this week, I know I needed to be exercising, but I didn't feel like it. Every single day I felt accomplished to just get myself through the day, I just couldn't emotionally or physically handle taking on more than the normal work and eating/sleeping duties.

So you can imagine how surprised I was when my weight seemed to skyrocket over night. This morning I weighed myself and saw an unbelievable 70.2 on the scales. Mid-week I was weighting in at 69 kilos even, so I of course I thought I was doing okay. If I had seen that on Monday I wouldn't have really cared, except this isn't Monday, and I didn't even weigh myself on Monday because I know how Monday is around here. It is the 2nd day after the super high wendie point day and a spike in weight is almost guaranteed. But a Friday? Friday is the day before my official weigh-in and usually Friday's weight is a clear indication of what I have accomplished for the week.

What caused this weight gain? I don't know. It could be salt intake, water retention, who the fuck knows? All I know is it is ridiculous.

I may seem a bit dramatic, but I am at the end of my rope here. I am so tired of being happy go lucky and taking things in stride. I am SICK to death of this. I hate this last 15 pounds with such a passion that I could just scream.

Then on the way to work mr. ralph tells me that his brother's ex girlfriend is apparently having her 26th Birthday drinks at the same restayrabt that I am going for my 30th dinner on Saturday night because it the placed is a Restaurant/Pub in one. This means that his brother is going to try to juggle the two of us. Firstly, I dislike this girl. I have ever since the death of mr. ralph's father, and secondly she is an ex-girlfriend and I don't want to share. I would rather he go to her stupid birthday than even bother trying to do both. Yes I know how incredibly selfish that sounds, but I am feeling incredibly selfish.

I am missing home and friends and family too. I wish so much I could spend my birthday with my family and friends in the US, but I can't.

I think one girl from about 45 people I gave invites to at work may actually show up to the drinks. She is probably the only one I can say I truly get along with at work. I know I didn't really expect work people to come, but some secret part of me wished that more people would put forth an effort because I want to work on making friends with people from work. It is the only place from which I have to choose from.

It is so hard living here.

God, after 4 years you would think I could have made more friends than I have. I don't think I should write anymore. The mood is worsening and all I am doing is feeling sorry for myself.

What a way to go into this weekend, what a way to approach thirty.