livingforrecovery

In waiting for the bus yesterday I met an angel. There was a little old lady waiting already when I got there and she started to ask me when the next bus was arriving. I told her how to read her bus schedule because she said she didn't know how or found it hard to read and then she just kept chatting to me. I couldn't be more thankful that she did. She was incredible. She started talking about her eyesight and her age and that was how it all began. She looked really good for 76, of course she had wrinkles and she said she wasn't pleased with the ones on her arms, but she seemed very happy. In fact, a lot more happier than I have been feeling. She said she had recently taken a class on natural healing and she really enjoyed it. Because she was so nice I took the opportunity to tell her about my weight loss journey. She seemed very impressed with the amount I've already lost and asked me how I ended up putting on so much weight to begin with. I to...

First the downward spiral, and now ca-Plunk. Here I am feeling shitty and despising myself. I went for a power walk this morning and even jogged some of it, granted not in long intervals, but still it was my first jog since the surgery. And what was the motivation? Hate. Spite. Really being angry at myself for gaining weight. I hopped on the scale when I woke up. I guess what I really wanted to do was feel bad today. There is not other explanation. I wanted the walk to make me feel better. I wanted atonement for my sins. But it hasn't worked. It is like the endorphins missed me entirely. I know that I have the rest of the week to go and that soon I will be out of the funk and feeling good again, but damn it this mood really sucks. My mother in law commented yesterday on my weight loss, but it was what she said that really got me down. She mentioned my boobs are disappearing. Great! That was what I was obsessing about all morning, how small my boobs are g...

Does anyone put any stock into this whole Body Shape Diet stuff? The reason I'm asking is because well, my thighs, butt, and hips would like to discuss this at length. I'm losing weight from my upper body like lightening, and the fat around my lower half is staying put. I don't want this last 7 kilos to come off my already diminishing boobs and face people! I want to have thinner legs. This has really become a worry for me lately because well, I am vain. I don't just want the # on my scale to be smaller, I want to look good. I want to feel better in skirts and shorts, and not to mention bathing suits. So I have read some about my body type, apparently I am a Gynaeoid Body Type and this is what I look like: Has anyone read the book The Body Shaping Diet ? I'm thinking of ordering the supplements or at least trying to find them separately and start taking them. Is anyone out there my body type reading this? Have you been successful in trimm...

I didn't actually weigh myself so I am not exactly sure how much I gained. I am figuring about 400 grams. But in all honesty, we are at the start of a new week, so I'm forgetting last week and starting over. I've planned an afternoon hike with mr. ralph, and although he wasn't really all that keen on it, he is going anyway. And that should get me off on the right foot. Plus I think this week I'm going to cut out bread, and potatoes again. Not a no-carb week, but a low-carb one. I trotted over to the consignment store to drop off a few more clothing items that are in great condition, but too big for me (yippie!) and discovered she had sold a denim shirt of mine that I didn't even like. That is the only thing she has sold. Weird, but it was a $10.50 (50%) chunk of change for me that I wouldn't have seen otherwise. Last night I drank a half bottle of wine an a few beers. I think alocohol is my enemy #1. I don't know how to say no, and quite often ...

Hello, hello. Yep, that's me with the big smile. It is a bit freakishly big, but I wanted to share my new haircut. Mr. ralph has voiced his disapproval. He wanted me badly to grow my hair long again. I had it long for a while back when we got married, but I just don't have it in me for the patience and the upkeep. I like this style! I feel funky, I feel chick, I even feel thin. I actually walked again yesterday afternoon, it was hot but it felt good. I will also dance tonight while out with the girls. I will boogie to help get rid of some of the extra I took on this week. I figure it is about 300 to 400 grams, and I can deal with that. My shopping trip was fun and successful. I bought new and old clothes. I bought this fabulous dress to wear on our next date on Feb. 12th. We're going to Candela Flamenco Tablao It is the perfect thing. The price is not bad, and the dancing is very sensual. I'm hoping we get inspired. In the future I'd lo...

This week has been ridiculous. I am not sure what part of my brain happens to be controlling things, but it is like somehow I got put on autopilot and everything I think I should be doing is the opposite of what happens. So I blew it last night. I ate pizza (2 slices), cashews, and drank 4 regular bottles of Becks. That was my dinner. I had already eaten about 10 points before all of that hoping that if I had a normal day leading up to it, I'd be strong like Silverella . But nope, I'm not. I'm not even close to strong. So what now? I have 2 days before weigh-in. I'm still on my period, still just sitting here like a tub of lard not wanting to get up and move my arse. I know I will have a gain. It is inevitable. I stood on the scale about 15 minutes ago and yes, I was indeed up. I don't even want to say how much, but it wasn't a whole kilo at least. I wish I could say I am in a good place about all of this. That I can just move on an...

Yesterday was the worst day ever, or at least so far this month. Because we have a holiday today, the calls at work were increasingly harder to deal with. Everyone had an emergency. Everyone. And one woman refused to hang up until I put a team leader on the line, to tell her exactly what I was telling her. I think they get it into their head if they ask for a leader they are going to get what they want. But it is simply not true. My team leader has no authority to give them anything. It almost makes me want to laugh, except it is my stats running up as she rambled on and on forever. *sigh* And, to top it off My Aunt Flow came a visiting. Do we know who Aunt Flow is? Well, have a think about it for a second. So of course I have the worst cramps, and we decided to go see a movie last night before dinner. By the time we ate dinner I would have eaten anything and the good old mr. ralph suggested we pick up hot chips to go with our grilled (healthy!) fish. I caved i...

As I was opening my browser I noticed this headline that jumped out at me. Johnny Carson is dead, I can't believe it. The family only said he died peacefully in the night and that they will not give the cause of death nor will there be a memorial service. No memorial service for the King of Late Night?? That is unbelievable. And to die at such a young age. To me folks 79 is not that old. I grew up with Johnny on my parents late night TV, it is almost like losing a loved one. Another icon from my childhood has passed. Rest in peace Johnny. Last night at dinner with the mum-in-law I had a huge piece of chicken and instead of leaving half of it on my plate I ate it all. Why you ask? I do not know. I felt like it? Crazy. So afterwards I ate 3 chocolates and started thinking. Why am I eating? I am not hungry. I've formed this bad habit by being to relaxed about my points and tracking. I've allowed myself to slip off track. In realizing it, I didn't...

Yesterday was such a day of bliss for me. The hydrotherapy bath was heaven. I will admit it took me some time to totally let myself go so that I could relax. Why do I carry around all this tension? But I so wish I could have a bathtub like that at home. Then, the massage was so good. The guy was incredible. I have got to go back there again, soon. He told me the spots on my feet (reflexology) that I should massage to help relieve the pain in my shoulders and neck. He did tell me that the pain there is precipitated by both emotional reasons and physical circumstances. I think that I am building up a protective zone around my neck, thus tightening all those back muscles. After that I felt really good inside and out. I felt beautiful, and that is not very often. When I came home I took a hot shower and started the ritual of getting myself dressed up for the night out. I only had an hour so we were rushed in taking the photos. We had to use the self-timer so gettin...

Oh my GOD, I am in the 60's. Can you freaking believe it? Me, 69.9 kilos. Yeah I know, 100 grams under 70, but hey you take what you can get. So today I had a weekly loss of 300 grams (without even trying) and I am 69.9 kilos, that is just 6.9 kilos away from my goal. Today I am going to the David Jones Spa and having a hydrotherapy bath and a shoulder and back massage. I can't have any manipulation on my neck, so I guess I will get a few extra minutes on my shoulders which is good because I sooooooooo need it. I am looking forward to it immensely. Also, I am looking forward to my lovely date with my hubby tonight. I get to get dressed up and feel sexy. Today I went to the Salvation Army store in my area and found myself a pair of Black Sussan Aus size 12 pants and a nice slinky top for a total of $15.50 (for both items). I am such a snazzy shopper. I can always find good clothes for almost nothing. This time of year is a great time because people (lik...

I have found bliss: Light ciata made by Shwepps , if you live in Australia I highly recommend it for your caffeine free, sugar free consumption. I was overwhelmed (in a good way) by the response of all of you yesterday. I am so fortunate to have such wonderful readers! Sometime after I read all of your lovely comments , I read my email I had a short reply from her telling me that she had indeed been referring to a different email. She said she was sorry that she didn't reply to my first one. In the end mr. ralph was right that I shouldn't have assumed it was mine, but it was such an odd coincidence that someone else wrote to her and gave her tips as well. Although I am not so sure I should have ventured into writing unarmed with the knowledge I have now (again, thanks to all of you) that she probably doesn't benefit from that type of thing, I felt so much better. I was happy that she said it wasn't me that made her binge. I've learned that someti...

That letter I mentioned earlier, well I didn't get a reply in my inbox, but I read her reply on her site : I read my emails and received an email from someone who apparently didn't even read my post, and that upset me. I wanted to open Blogger up and rip the reader a new one, but god I'm so sick of my knee jerk reaction to bad comments by people who don't even give a shit enough to read the whole post. What was I lashing out about? That they didn't "understand" me from glancing over one little post and deciding to tell me how to lose this weight. Forget that I'm on my third year here, forget that I've been dieting since I was six years old, if not before, forget that I've tried every diet, forget that my post mentions the very suggestions that I was being given in my little pep talk. Forget that I'm writing what I decided not to write anyway. My heart completely sank because I did read her entire entry, I've actually been reading her ...

You know how when you listen to certain songs you get transported back to another place and another time? One of the most beautiful songs (at least to me) is the following one by Sarah McLachlan. Mary walks Down to the water's edge And there she hangs her head To find herself faded A shadow of what she once was She said how long have I been sleeping And why do I feel so old Why do I feel so cold My heart is saying one thing but my body won't let go With trembling hands she reaches up A stranger's flesh is offered And I would be the last to know I would be the last the let it show I would be the last to go Take her hand She will lead you through the fire Give you back hope And hope that you won't take too much Respecting what is left She cradled us She held us in her arms Unselfish in her suffering she could not understand That no one seemed to have the time To cherish what was given And I would be the last to know And I would be the last...

Today is my 3 month check-up with the spinal surgeon, and I really hope he has something to say about the knots in my shoulders and the pain in my sternum. If he acts like it is no big deal I think I may get upset. I am bringing mr. ralph along with me again because I need him there. I think I need some sort of massage or manipulation to help with the shoulder pain, and I don't think it should come out of my pocket. I also think I need some reassurance that what I'm feeling is normal, and nothing to worry about. This guy spends approximately 15 minutes, maybe less, with me every 3 months and I'm left out in the cold when it comes to the everyday pain that is my life. Thanks to all of you that said you liked the new look. I'm not completely sold on it yet to be honest. Today I spent a considerable amount of time learning some new css styles so that I could change the link colors so that the content part is different to the side bar. It worked, but I don...

My weigh-in was a little disappointing taken consideration of the fact that I ate almost zero carbs all week and was pretty strict. I exercised but to be honest it was very minimal and what little walking I did do wasn't at a very aerobic rate. Weight on Saturday Jan 15th was 70.2 kilos, total net loss for the week was 400 grams. Total loss since Christmas 2.2 kilos. Through my comment section a few days ago I was turned onto something called The Wendie Plan , which in a way gives structure to my whole more food day idea. So I am now going to incorporate her idea into my Weight Watchers program. I had to tailor my own points program because it appears when Wendie came up with this plan she did so on the old points system that gave you a range of points to use over the week. What I've done is use her idea and make up my own range by taking my entire 140 points allowance for the week (20 points daily) and it looks like this: Saturday: 17 Sunday: 22 Monday: 1...

Taken from Shape Magazine October 2004, The Right Way to Write in a Journal Keeping a journal can increase your sense of well-being and give you a more positive outlook on life. But that's true only if you make a point of recording things you are grateful for, says Robert Emmons, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of California, Davis, who conducted several studies on journaling. If you write only about problems or hassles, or even neutral events, you don't reap the benefits he says. "Gratitude buffers you from physically and psychologically harmful emotions such as envy, resentment, and regret," Emmons says. "By focusing on cherished relationships and the kindness of others, we feel connected and nourished." The study was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. So yesterday I was reading old magazines and came across this article above and I immediately thought of Denise . I can sometimes get side-tracked...

Oh my Goodness. I'm so excited. What is the secret? Leptin. Thanks to Marla , in her post yesterday, I read this article that discusses a breakthrough for those of us interested in losing fat. This guy is absolutely amazing. If I could meet him I'd give him a big oldfashioned smoocheroo. According to him and others (really need to read the article because this guy has done his research -- yes it is longwinded) when we go on a diet and/or reduce the amount of food we are taking in, our supply of something called leptin decreases. Here is the clincher: We actually cannot have significant fat loss without it. And, when we increase the amount of food we eat (otherwise known as off the diet, or overeating) our supply of leptin goes back up. So the best way to have continued success without plateaus in your weight loss endeavors is to have periods of diet, followed by periods of eating more food. The biggest problem I am faced with is deciding how much ...

So yesterday I wrote a love letter to my husband. We had a talk on Monday night about how our romance life is going, and without divulging too many personal details, I'll just say that we need some spice in our life. We had such a hard year in 2004 with the loss of his father and the hard work going into completing his thesis. I know that we both need to make changes to make our relationship more of a priority and when I get to carrying on about it, all I end up doing is blaming it all on him. I realized that I was doing that, and that it was so wrong. So I wrote to him because I knew that I'd be without distraction and less likely to get annoyed by anything. When I went to sleep he was staying up to watch The West Wing. They put it on late here because it is not one of the more popular shows. I don't like it either and I was tired. I snuck into the bathroom and taped it where he would find it while I was asleep and be able to read it in private. H...

I watched the first episode of The Biggest Loser last night. I would link to it, but since it is over in America I don't want to read anything that may ruin it for me. My conclusion is that although I found it very entertaining, the show really doesn't do anything to actually help the viewers who may have weight problems themselves. It is totally unrealistic to lose 10-20 pounds in your first week on a diet, no matter how big you are. It will be interesting to see how they progress in the weeks to come. Also can I complain that Caroline the hostess, looks like she could stand to go on a diet herself? Ouch, that was bitchy even for me, but one would expect they'd at least have a healthy looking host. These people had a personal trainer and were working out every day, probably for hours on end. If I did that I wouldn't have to even worry about the food I put in my mouth, the weight would fall off me. But alas, I am not that active. But did I like it? O...

This no-carb thing totally backfired yesterday. I didn't tell the mum-in-law early enough that I won't be eating potatoes, carrots, peas, or corn (all staples at Sunday dinner) and I ended up eating 2 cauliflower florlets, some salad, a small bit of cheese, and turkey. It wasn't very filling. But that wasn't the worst of it. I actually had a full blown need [read need, not just CRAVING ] for chocolate, and snagged a snickers bar from the pantry and ate it secretly as I was about to take my spa bath. I ate it so quickly that I almost didn't taste it. After I had finished it and was soaking in the tub I then had to examine my behaviour, because I know that I am not doing so well when I feel the need to eat in secret. Damn that awareness thing I've got going on! Why couldn't I just feel bad about it and beat myself up? Anyway I came to the conclusion that I actually may have needed sugar. Since I am cutting out all carbs and foods that contain...

I don't have a lot of time to write this at the moment but I wanted to share my wonderful weigh-in news. Today I weighed 70.6 kilos (155.3 pounds), a net loss of 1.8 kilos (3.6 pounds) from my holiday gain. That is a huge loss in one week! Also I am down from what I was before Christmas. I couldn't be more pleased. One week of no-carb eating down and one more to go. Thanks everyone for the great advice yesterday. I'll have a larger post tomorrow. See you then!

After all that heavy stuff from yesterday, it is time to lighten this place up a bit. To fill my time this afternoon instead of napping or watching tv, or exercising, I surfed BE , and I actually commented on sites that had interesting current entries. A side note about that to anyone interested -- it is very hard to read novel length entries when one is surfing! I know, I know, I'm not one to talk. I like comments so I thought it wouldn't hurt to spread some comment love. I learned that from Michele. And that guy that did the hate entry about her, well he is just one guy. She is way better than he is. Take it from me, but I know you don't have to, because you know it too. Now, a random list of weird foods my cat likes/eats: -Asparagus -- he likes the juice if it is out of a can too. -Low-fat laughing cow cheese spread -- you should see him licking his jaws after that! -Avocado -- he must have a thing in particular for green foods. I know...

I know, talk about entry overload, but I wrote this letter back in October of 2002. It appeared on my other website that I later had to abandon. Tonight I was searching on the internet for that site through archive.org, and I found a lot of my favorite entries still there. I thought I would put this one here for you guys to read, because it explains a lot about why I struggle so much with weight issues. Dear Molester, I've become a woman, no doubt if you could see me you would have noticed. I waited too long to write you this letter, I wanted you to read it. I wanted you to know the full extent of my hatred of you, but you are unable to do that. For a long time I have hated myself and tortured my body, I blame you for all of this. I couldn't get over what you did to me, how you violated me. I've wanted to disguise myself in fat so that nobody would touch me, I've wanted to eat to console myself and stuff myself with food so that I could not feel the pain....

I wish that I had lived alone at some time in my life because I can't stand a quiet house. Right now even with the television on, and loud, the place feels so empty, and in turn makes me feel empty. I'm not happy about the powers that be replacing my Footballer's Wives with some crazy movie called Urban Legend either. But let me get off what is really on my chest. Before moving here to be with mr. ralph I spent a year apart from him while I was working and saving enough money to pay for the fiance visa. It was one of the hardest years of my life. I had to put up with my psycho sister and live with my parents again. Those two things alone was enough to make me go insane. I would listen to sad music and hug my body pillow thinking of him. I cried myself to sleep most nights, and I worked two jobs to earn money faster, plus there was less time alone to be depressed and miserable. Sounds so cliche, but I've never loved anyone as much as I love him....

My readers are absolutely amazing. Not long ago I remember wondering if anyone would even want to read this site, and now there are so many of you handing out compliments and cheering my success that my head is swimming. I've been getting emails lately from people who have found me through the BoB awards and tell me how they feel inspired by me. That is just wonderful! I can't believe my words inspire you, because all of you motivate me. LibertyBob reminded me yesterday to recall that my weight loss shouldn't just be about how I look, but about being healthy, and he is right. Sometimes I admit that I do get caught up in the vanity of it all. I want to look good. I've been overweight for so long that wearing shorter skirts and form fitting dresses is exactly how I envision myself when this is all over with, not to mention hipsters. I want to make people's heads turn. I want to look at a picture of myself and not immediately scrutinize my every...

Oh how I would love to write something inspiring and chirpy to say that I've started 2005 on the right foot, but I can't lie to you like that. I'm putting the pictures here because I said I would, but as I look at them I feel so much self loathing. It is hard to believe I felt good in that dress when my arms are so freakishly huge. The body parts I hate the most right now are my arms, and my legs. I wonder if 9 more kilos will actually make much difference? If I look like this now, how must I have looked at 220 pounds? The thought makes me want to hurl. So yes, I hate myself right now. There is no way to sugarcoat it. This is me on New Year's Eve just before heading out the door. I made the necklace I'm wearing. Me and mr. ralph on Christmas day. Yesterday was the first day on the no-carb diet and I did well. I was pretty hungry even though I ate around 18 points (I'm allowed 20 on weight watchers). I don't think I am one of tho...

I wanted to put up pictures to show you how great I looked in a size AUS(10) satin dress I wore on New Years Eve, but mr. ralph left the cord needed to transfer the pics to the laptop at his mum's so you will have to wait on that. Suspense killing you yet? The day was a beautifully hot one. I asked for it because I wanted to dress without worrying about getting cold during the middle of the night. I got exactly what I wanted. I had to work the morning and it was very boring, but after I got off work I stopped by the goodwill because I like to browse occassionally and actually found the most amazing dress that I decided to wear even though I already had a brand new top planned. This dress is gorgeous and no one would ever know it wasn't expensive and new except all of you of course because I don't mind bragging about bargains, especially size 10 ones that actually fit me. Anyway after that I went with mr. ralph to his mum's house where the younger brother was having ...

2004 wrap up. It is really over isn't it? I was going to write one of those end of year synopsis entries where I tell you all the things I remember about 2004 and it is just depressing as hell to be honest. You don't really want to read about all of that because it saddens me to write it. So I won't do that. I will say that of course we had our hard times in 2004, but some good things did come out of it: We got Buckley who really has been the saving grace of the year. We love him so much, I know, you can tell. Who has more pictures of their cat than they do anything else? We do. Mr. ralph got serious about weight loss and is now a mere 6 kilos away from his goal, which helped me get closer to my goal by getting rid of his bad eating influences. Although if I were to come home and say, "Let's get a pizza!" He would still say, "Yeah sure!" Instead of, "How about we eat something less fattening." I've been given a new c...