livingforrecovery

Sometimes you just need to make a decision. I have come to the conclusion that all this navel gazing really isn't getting me anywhere. Weighed myself on Friday. 73 kilos. Wow. Holy Christ! That is 7 kilos above my lowest weight to date. This gaining has gotten totally out of hand. I have to take control now. I don't want to whinge and complain anymore about how shitty my life has been, how the problems of my past creep up and bite me in the ass, but the fact is it does happen. I was coasting along and then one day *BAM*. Eating right? Counting calories/kilojules? Exercising? All out the window. But today I went for a walk. I have decided that I know what I need to do. Eating right and exercising will benefit me in this fight for my sanity. I dont know why when I start to feel the doom and gloom I give up the very things that could in fact make me feel better. Go figure. I miss my friends, Beck , Airlie , Argy . I love you guys. And everyone else I really do app...

I know it seems like I am avoiding you. It is not just that I don't want to write, it is that I don't want to deal with any of this. I don't know what I weigh. I think I may find out tomorrow, or not. I have been stressed out lately. Don't know if I am depressed or just meh. Sigh. The Australian Biggest Loser program isn't as good as the US one. I haven't seen very much that actually inspires me. A lot of bitching etc. It is pathetic. I liked the idea of the show because I thought it would be helpful for those with weight problems. I don't know that it is. Things are meh all over the place. My relationship with mr ralph also needs much attention. I feel like crap. I know I shouldn't wallow. I am sorry for wallowing. But I wanted to update you on how things are going. I also have a lot of pain right now in my neck/shoulders. I am beginning to see a pattern for when I feel bad and have stress and the amount of pain I have. I also haven't ...

I would also like to know. What is going on with me? I am in avoidance. I weighed myself today, and it probably wasn't a good idea since for dinner last night we ate salty hot chips and dim sims. So healthy! The salt alone could be a factor, but I am way up on the scale. I am not even going to share the # with you. Why am I like this? What is going on with me? I actually have been experiencing a slump, seeping back into depression. How is that possible when I have been taking my medication? I don't know. I have been avoiding all the things that are good for me. I have not been to the physio, I cancelled my appointment with R. this week. Maybe I did that because I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to say how horribly I am doing. I wish I could say that I am feeling positive that I can change this dark mood around, but I am not.

Not one little comment about how cute he is? :( My Buckley was in a fight this morning and he has a hurt ear, neck and leg. We had to take him to the vet for injections. The poor boy has a fever and is not well! He is just like a child to us so it was hard to hear him wailing and crying while the vet cleaned him up. She had to shave the spots so we could see how deep the scratches/bites were. I am still staying away from the scale. I want to rejoin Weight Watchers but haven't really made the effort to get myself to a meeting.

I just wanted to share this picture with everyone because sometimes you just need an excuse to smile. I am sending all my love and wonderful thoughts to Airlie. Airlie you are so beautiful inside and out, and if there is anything I can do for you right now, you know my phone #. I have lost yours though! My heart goes out to you.

Yesterday was the official day of my birth. What a wonderful day I had! When I woke up mr. ralph made me breakfast in bed. It was a healthy one too: wholegrain toast, poached egg and lean bacon. What a good boy! The he gave me his pressie, a gift certificte to a bead shop in the city markets. He knew I had the day off and it was the perfect gift. I spent a few hours there making that gorgeous necklace you see me wearing in the pic. After spending some time around the city I realised I hadn't had any lunch but knew I was getting a treat to go out for dinner. And boy was it ever a treat! After getting dressed up and getting in the taxi I saw the business card of the place (mr. ralph was trying to keep it secret) as he handed it to the driver. We went to the Lenzerheide . This was my 3rd time to eat there. Talk about fantastic! We both had their special soup for a starter. It is the most delish potato/bacon soup ever made. Then I had fish and mr. ralph had some kind of stu...

What a fabulous day Saturday was. Meeting Beck of course was the hightlight! She is incredible and so full of energy! We had coffee and talked and talked and talked. It was so good for me. She also gave me a box full of goodies as a b-day pressie. I was really touched. I wish I could keep her here! And Bradman! He is so adorable, you just want to squeeze him. It is hard to put into words, but Beck is a truly inspiring woman. I couldn't ask for a better friend to share this journey with, and I know that she will kick my arse into gear if I ever need it. We went into Sparkles and there was this Merilyn Monroe style dress hanging on the wall that I thought looked hot so we asked if they had any others for me to try on. All they had was one other dress and it was a small. I said, "there is no way that is fitting me!" And the girl and Beck both said, "Go try it on!" It fit. Beck took a photo. We'll have to wait for her entry to see it. I looked rea...

Dear Blog, I've been avoiding you. I'm sorry. I told myself I wouldn't stop writing when things were not going well the way that other people do, but I haven't held up to my end of the bargain. I wish I could say that I have lost weight and am doing wonderful, but I can't. I'm having drinks to celebrate my 31st birthday tonight. (b-day is on Tuesday) I think I weigh more than I did on my 30th birthday. Just in case you are wondering, it is 71 kilos. Remember how I said I wouldn't let myself get into the 70's again? Well I keep losing and then gaining back the same kilo. Beck is going to be in Adelaide and I get to meet her. I've been wanting to meet her for a long time. We missed each other last year when I was in Melbourne. I am hoping that some of her positive energy she's got going on right now will rub off on me. I definitely need a pep talk and if there is anyone to give it, she's it. She is amazing. Will let you know how it g...

I don't know where to begin. I didn't even want to post. My instinct tells me that because I don't want to, it may be the best thing to do. I haven't weighed myself, but I've had a few very bad days. I went out on Friday night and drank an unknown amount of gin and tonics and then I ate almost a whole bag of kettle chips yesterday. I put on a pair of my size 12 jeans that should fit and are too tight last night. Damnit! I have a lot of cute clothes that I cant go anywhere near because of about 3 kilos. This 3 kilos is doing a lot to depress me right now. I stopped tracking my calories because I don't even know how much alcohol I consumed on Friday night and who wants to know how many calories and fat are in an entire bag of chips? Not only do I feel like shit, but I can't seem to motivate myself either. I know that the way I am feeling is not new and I will work through it, but right now it feels pretty much like a death sentence. It is not that I don...

This has been a week! With a lovely Valentine's dinner out (menu to come later) and the TOM, there will be no weigh-in today. I know we are all bitterly disappointed. But I made the decision to stay away from the scale because last night I was literally doubled over in cramps. My body chemistry can't be very normal at the moment. I think I will weigh myself in a few days, or I may just wait until next Friday. We shall see. I've also decided that I think I need to try to say on the lower end of my calorie intake. Spark People says I can have between 1200-1500 a day, but I believe I need to stay very close to 1200. Elliot (the kitten) is utterly adorable, but she loves to bite. I don't know if this is just a phase or what. I don't remember Buckley being so full of bitey goodness. She is growing on Buckley though and I have seen him licking her and he plays with her but not very rough. It is sweet.

I didn't lose any weight this week. On average I walked at least 45-90 minutes a day, and I stayed under 1500 calories on every single day except one. This is bullshit I tell you. Mr. ralph had me convinced I had built up muscles in my legs and this was the reason no movement is happening on the scale. I almost believed him until I tried on these jeans that did fit me when I weighed 68 kilos. I could button them up, but just barely and there was the overhang of flesh. The pot belly so to speak. I am so frustrated. For the past two weeks I have walked and walked, and walked some more. I have logged on to the net every day and recorded my food intake. I have been very diligent. I expected results! Okay so I didn't eat like a rabbit everyday. I did indulge in cake at work on someone's 10 year anniversary, I did have carrot cake on the weekend with my mum-in-law. I did eat a small block of chocolate ... but all of this food was accounted for. So maybe I just need to eat...

My new weigh-in days are Friday mornings. This was mr. ralph's idea. I guess it will give me incentive to be better on the weekends than I have been in the past. I now weigh 70.4 kilos, this is a loss of 600 grams! It is not a lot, but I'll take anything at this point! I guess the walking is doing something! I've been keeping my food journal at spark people and I find it absolutely terrifying how much I eat on certain days. I've also noticed that the days that I am the hungriest are the days that I eat a lot of carbs like bread etc. I bought this fantastic magazine on Friday with lots of meal ideas. It is the Woman's Day Diet Extra and it is seriously a great buy. It has lots of low-fat recipes and gives you examples of a lot of popular diets out there like low GI etc. I also have new shoes. I bought some Nikes, the most inexpensive ones I could find (we don't have a lot of extra cash atm.) and it turns out they are super comfy. I'm still walking ...

When you begin to suspect it is time to get new walking shoes, do not wait for a rock to fall from the sky on your head before you do it. I walked for a cumulative 1 hour and 30 minutes yesterday. I so rock! Of course I am tres proud of my accomplishments. I decided to see if I could walk to the bus stop near my physio's office before work, and then decided to do it again after work. It was during the walk home that my feet started hurting. On my right foot one of my toes was seriously killing, and on my left foot I developed a blister. I knew I needed new shoes! I had noticed the soles wearing down a few months ago. I announced to mr. ralph as I walked through the door, "It is time for new shoes, my feet hurt! And by the way I've walked for an hour and a half today!" [had to throw in that for the effect] So I plopped myself on the sofa and took off my shoes flipping them over to discover that right where my little toe was hurting is a hole! I was shocked to s...

Before the epiphany I had earlier this week I would judge how good my week was by what my weight was at the end of it. As of this morning I still weight 71 kilos, but this has been one hell of a terrific week. I am walking again, and enjoying it! When I woke up this morning I went for a 50 minute walk and that is totally amazing for a Sunday. I exercised every day except Saturday, and I had reasons. I went to a hen's night on Friday night and stayed up mega late chatting. I needed the rest. I over-ate yesterday, mainly because I was tired and couldn't be bothered. I had a big think about this whole weekend rubbish eating thing on my walk this morning. You can't fix the world in a day! I have to start planning ahead for the weekend BEFORE it gets here so I can control the eating/drinking better. And of course if I keep up the exercise like I have been doing since Wednesday, there is no way that I won't lose weight naturally. It will happen. I will be seeing 65 a...

This is the most hilarious picture EVER. I've been laughing my arse off. I love the look on Hugo's [the ginger cat] face. In one of the comments the owner said, "Usually Hugo (the ginger cat) is the loser in battles. He was so proud that he won this one! They even posed for the picture!" Hahaha. I ate too much last night because we went to a buffet style restaurant. I'm not that worried about this. I walked yesterday and plan to walk again today. My butt, abs, back, and shoulders are all sore from my palates class.

It was more than a light bulb moment. It was awesome. I have to brag about myself because there is no one else to do it for me. As you can imagine when I saw 71 kilos on my scale two days in a row I wasn't feeling all that great. On came a montage of debilitating head talk. I don't know if anyone else is aware of their head talk, but I am really awful to myself. I call myself a fat cow, fatty, lazy, disgusting, etc. The list goes on and on. I catch myself doing it and sometimes can actually stop it, but once the words are said [in my head of course] their damage is done. I had a physio appointment on Wed. afternoon and an appointment with R. afterwards. I usually schedule them back to back so that I'm not running around every single day of the week. I had seen that they have one of those really expensive special scales that tells you your body fat percentage etc. I decided to get on this thing and find out all the dirt on myself. I couldn't believe the results. ...

You may have noticed that I changed the 70 to the left to 71. I don't know how it happened, but I actually gained weight this week. What is happening to me? I don't know what is going on, but the scale did say 71 two days in a row. Yes, I am at the end of my TOM and that could contribute to some of it, but a whole kilo? I looked at my calorie count from this week and I went over 1500 only 2 days, Friday and Saturday. Although I did much better this weekend than last, I still struggled with eating more on my off days than during the week. Another reason I had a horrific week was the heat. We had 4 days of over 40C in a row. Now that is just wrong. I can't handle heat very well. I did go for a walk on Saturday and when I came home thought I was going to die from heat exhaustion. Not good at all. I almost declared this week a no-weigh week due to my TOM but have decided to take it as it comes. So I weigh 71 today. Excuse my language but that number really scares the ...

It is common knowledge that the collective events of our past help shape who we are. Some of these events are forgotten, others burned into our memories forever. I'll never forget the day I told my parents I knew about the abuse. I had recollection for a long time before I told them. I dreaded the conversation because I feared the reaction. I didn't really want to have these memories, I didn't want this to have happened to me. It was much easier for me to not acknowledge the past. I had sought counseling a few times. When the memories first surfaced went to a catholic counseling service. They didn't charge very much and had to keep it confidential even though I still lived at home with my parents. After I started university I stopped going to see the nun, but before long found college life overwhelming and began to see the free counselor on campus. I had a habit of seeing her for a few weeks and then stopping only to start again when another catastrophe happened....

Three days back on a healthy eating plan and the scale is not going anywhere. Disgusting. I can't believe it! I can't believe I weighed myself this morning either. I know better than to do this to myself. One of the main things R. (the psychologist) said to me that I can't stop thinking about is that experts are now saying the healthiest amount of weight to loose is 1-2 pounds a month. That is under a kilo a month! Freaking A! Unbelievable isn't it? I used to beat myself up if I didn't loose that in a week. She also told me she thinks that I should aim to be 65 instead of 58 kilos. I'm still thinking that over. But somewhere The_Scale_Gods are laughing at me. You should never weigh yourself this much kids. It is not good for you. I have started using the free SparkPeople food and exercise tracker. It is similar to some other ones out there you have to pay for. So far the only thing I've tracked is food and I am keeping under the recommended ca...

I am so unhappy with my result for this week. I started out really gung-ho and undid all the work on the weekend. I still weigh 70 kilos. I want so much to get past this roadblock. I know that I am sabotaging myself. The main focus of my appointment tonight with R. was talking about this issue. Why is it so hard to loose more? This is what I am thinking about. A lot of ideas were swirled around. I need to stick to my plan and especially not let the weekend eating get away from me.