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Day 10 - Not strong enough

Hello everyone. No I did not weigh myself this morning. But it wasn't because I didn't want to. I did of course want to weigh myself first thing this morning, I'm not ready to cut loose my habit. I am like a drug addict longing for my next fix. honestyrain is right. I'm not ready to go cold turkey.

My wonderful mr. ralph read my entry yesterday afternoon, with all your comments and when I got home and made a trip to the loo, I looked down and it was gone. He hid it. He told me that he knew I couldn't do it so he hid it from me.

I asked him a few times where he put it, but then I let it go. I was thinking to myself, "Now how will I know how I'm doing? I can't weigh myself on Friday morning? I do that every week?!"

Then I remembered what I would do if I didn't own a scale. The same thing. I would eat healthy foods within my points allowance, I would drink lots of water, and I would exercise as much as I can within my limits.

And if I don't lose weight?

That's the ultimate question isn't it? What I really want is control. I want to know that if I do this, than I will lose weight no matter what. But losing weight is not that easy to control. I have to let what happens happen, and then get input and keep doing what I know is right.

When a control freak, super perfectionist realises she doesn't have the ability to control the outcome of a situation it can be a scary thing. Welcome to my nightmare.

Comments

Anonymous said…
you asked yourself what you would do without a scale. you said you would do everything you are doing now. but what if you didn't lose weight? do you see how you have gone back to the number? even in the supposed absense of a scale you have gone back to that number to define yourself and how you are doing.

applause to mr ralph. keep it hidden. even when she begs for it.

you don't need the fucking scale rebeka. you're smart, you're funny, you're beautiful. but for some reason you're also scared. find out why. fuck the scale. the scale will never tell you what you need it to tell you.

i have been thru this and i know the anxiety you have at not being able to step on that scale this morning to see who you are. am i a good person today? am i okay? well let me tell you:

YES. you are good and pretty and thin and just bloody right the way you are. now stop trying to lose more of you and find out how to like what you've got left. what are you going to do? hate yourself like this forever? when will you stop? another ten pounds? doubt it.

much love and hugs.
5:51 am
Meg said…
Oh, boy, do I know. As a fellow control freak, there's nothing that wigged me out more than apparently losing control over what my body was doing. If the plan "wasn't working" (i.e. giving me my deserved, perfect weekly loss), I would panic and change things and just work harder, harder, harder-- MORE exercise, MORE restraint, MORE water, MORE steps on the pedometer. If I didn't like eating so much, I probably would have ended up anorexic, just because I want CONTROL.

I know, it's scary without the feedback. I keep telling you, make yourself some new numbers. The number of days since you started this journey. The number of glasses of water you've drank. The number of minutes you've exercised. Things you can add to. Things you can change. Things you can control. Things you can improve and build on, day after day. GOOD numbers. Directly controlled numbers.

You cannot control your body directly. That If X Then Y thing doesn't work on something as complex as a human body. There is no magic formula that will give you control, there are only gentle ways to prod your body toward the goal.

Your skill for control is admirable, but you're trying to lasso a river. Apply that crazy control to the things you CAN directly influence, things that will in turn influence your body. That control is good for something-- but if you mistake control of your habits for control of your body, you're just going to go mad. It's like judging your own contribution at work by the results of a subordinate-- there's no way to make her do exactly what you would do, so you just influence things as best you can and then let go, and do your job the best you can.

Do your job. The rest will follow.

(Oh, and Mr Ralph? Good job. You and my Hub have a lot in common; it's necessary to occasionally save us control-freak perfectionists from ourselves and being able to do that with love is the best thing EVER.)
7:09 am
Anonymous said…
Hey Rebekah -

Just saw your question about link code in my comments. Here's how I do it in the (imbedded) style sheet:

a:hover {
text-decoration:none;border: 1px solid #838b83;
}

This says, when you hover over a link, it gets a border that's 1px, solid (not dashed) and the color is #838b83.

(I don't have an external style sheet, so you can always see what I'm doing - mostly HTML tricks stolen from other people's pages :-) - by viewing the page source.)

Hope that helps!
9:11 am
Argy said…
Oh the ladies above said it perfectly! By the way, hi, I have missed you while I was away!
Now let the control get a bit rasty...taint a bad thing.
5:45 pm
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