I'm mulling over in my mind what I feel right now. I don't know exactly how to put it in words. Horrible doesn't do it justice, but I do feel horrible. I feel grumpy too.
I shouldn't have to tell my normal readers that this week was a bad one. I think the fact that I've not been around would give that away. I've gained somewhere between 1 and 2 kilos but that isn't even the worst of it.
What is really bad is I don't have the desire to care about it. The desire to "get back on track" is just not there. What is happening to me?
Am I sick of the up and down of this last few kilos? Definitely.
But I can't fix what is driving it because I don't know what it is. Yesterday I made the decision not to go to my Weight Watchers meeting today because I knew the results would be bad.
It has rained every freaking day this week, I've worked over time, and I've been hungrier than ever.
You can see the cracks in my resolve in my actions.
Last night my employer had a party at work with free food and drinks. Instead of passing up the high fat nibbles, I ate a few handfuls and had 2 drinks. I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to be able to eat dim sims, spicy meatballs, and springrolls like everyone else. God is it too much to ask to be freaking normal and not worry about every morsel that enters my mouth?!
We also had a lot of leftover food from our team's morning tea. Packets of rice crackers, mint slice biscuits, and some other biscuits. Normally I'd throw it in the bin before I'd take it home, but when my team leader gave it to me to take home I stuck it in my bag, and after I got home I ate some of it with mr. ralph while we watched tv.
Are these the actions of someone who cares that she has gained at least a kilo or more over the past week?
I don't think so.
Something is going on emotionally that I can't figure out. How do I get back the resolve so that this small gain doesn't turn into a series of small gains and one day I look back and I'm over 90 kilos again?
I've told myself it starts today, but of course I ate 2 mint slice biscuits for breakfast.
Sigh.
I shouldn't have to tell my normal readers that this week was a bad one. I think the fact that I've not been around would give that away. I've gained somewhere between 1 and 2 kilos but that isn't even the worst of it.
What is really bad is I don't have the desire to care about it. The desire to "get back on track" is just not there. What is happening to me?
Am I sick of the up and down of this last few kilos? Definitely.
But I can't fix what is driving it because I don't know what it is. Yesterday I made the decision not to go to my Weight Watchers meeting today because I knew the results would be bad.
It has rained every freaking day this week, I've worked over time, and I've been hungrier than ever.
You can see the cracks in my resolve in my actions.
Last night my employer had a party at work with free food and drinks. Instead of passing up the high fat nibbles, I ate a few handfuls and had 2 drinks. I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to be able to eat dim sims, spicy meatballs, and springrolls like everyone else. God is it too much to ask to be freaking normal and not worry about every morsel that enters my mouth?!
We also had a lot of leftover food from our team's morning tea. Packets of rice crackers, mint slice biscuits, and some other biscuits. Normally I'd throw it in the bin before I'd take it home, but when my team leader gave it to me to take home I stuck it in my bag, and after I got home I ate some of it with mr. ralph while we watched tv.
Are these the actions of someone who cares that she has gained at least a kilo or more over the past week?
I don't think so.
Something is going on emotionally that I can't figure out. How do I get back the resolve so that this small gain doesn't turn into a series of small gains and one day I look back and I'm over 90 kilos again?
I've told myself it starts today, but of course I ate 2 mint slice biscuits for breakfast.
Sigh.
Comments
it's time to move on to healing your spirit, your heart. it is time to do what is next in the ongoing process of believing in yourself and loving yourself.
losing the weight was step one, you are restless because you are ready for step two and have only to discover what that is for you.
sick of sucking it in...all of it. the pain and the self doubt. let it all go, rebeka. you're ready.
I know you've been focused on the journey, but maybe now is time to relish in your accomplishments.
If it helps, I've come to the conclusion that "normal" is abnormal in the course of human development. We're not meant to be eating the way that "normal" humans eat these days. That said, peer pressure exists, even when it's not meant to, and feeling like nobody else does the things you do (or "has to" do them) can wear you down to a broken nubbin.
If you can, find new peer pressure. Not about weight loss-- about living. Living healthy, living active. You cannot keep thinking that you're only doing this for weight loss. Eat healthy to live. Be active to live.
This is the hardest part, making that transition, because most of it is mental. Have you considered talking to a therapist? Not because of weight loss, FUCK THAT, but because you sound lost and sad and desperate, and it looks like you're grasping for identity by mirroring the feeding patterns of others, and that's not a good sign. The most important thing here is your health-- mental and physical both, because one affects the other.
You, yourself, your inmost being-- you are worth this work. I don't mean on your weight, I mean on your mind. Your eating is not the problem. Your weight is not the problem. These are symptoms of something else, something that is doing damage on a deeper and more important level.
Shift the fight. Fight the battle in your head. Don't give up on that, ever. The weight thing is completely fucking secondary. YOU are the most important thing here, and don't forget it.
I just started seriously doing the working out, watching what I eat, I've even broken it down into two parts so I don't get discouraged. So I've only lost 9 of the first 40lbs. I get discouraged, frequently.
Hang in there!! Find the place in your mind to be happy .. you've done an excellent job!
I just want to wish you inspiration and tell you to TRY not to beat yourself up. It's really hard I know. I think writing about how you're feeling even when it's not good is a step in the right direction.
Best wishes, I always look forward to your enthusiasm and down to earth writing! So I hope you're able to get in the swing again. Please keep writing – feel better!
Take care,
Kate