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A sigh of relief

I weighed myself on Saturday morning and found that I had not gained weight, I was the exact same weight I was last Saturday morning.

It was a real relief.

What I've been mulling over this morning is how frightened I get when I eat a little bit more than normal. I mean, I'm pretty obsessed and fanatical right? You all know it. You can read all my archives and see how each chance there is of a slight gain, or god forbid I actually do gain weight how I freak out.

I've been looking at some old pictures of me and I am very afraid of being that girl again. The one with the extra 40 kilos. The one who stuffs her face because she carries around so much emotional baggage.

Why do I worry so much about that, when I'm not that girl anymore? I've learned so much.

I don't know. Maybe it is the fear that keeps me going. But it is slightly insane.

I'm still very sick, I feel absolutely miserable at night and my glands in my neck are still swollen. I cannot afford to miss another day of work, but I think that I may have to go back to the doctor. This troubles me greatly because I can't afford to miss anymore work. And I just don't have the patience for being sick anymore.

Can I please get better today? Please??

I thought I'd at least give it a go.

Comments

lainb said…
I think those pictures (or at least the mental pictures) are good reminders for us to stay on track. Otherwise, it'd be too easy to revert back to our old ways if a strong trigger came about.
12:44 pm
Argy said…
great on the maintain! See? you should trust your body more. i think that you should accept the changes in you bec, aknowledge all your hard work and success and loosen up! You have done wonders my friend, it's about time you say this to yourself out loud!!!!
6:34 pm
Julia said…
one thing i've always struggled with is the question of 'how much do i let this determine how i feel about myself?' and i think that while there are great reminders in photos there's also a danger of hating who i was. i don't hate who i was. i still love my 195 lb self - she was still sexy and lovable and kicked ass on bike riding trips and loved life. while i'm really happy to be where i am, and i want to continue making the choices that allow myself to be here, i want to do it without coming down on who i was.

i understand what it is to fear being someone with all the emotional baggage again. to me it represents dealing with trauma especially. but i have to remember that i'm not there anymore, and there are a lot of ways to know that. i have to accept that this has been my body's journey.

anyway, this is so hard to put into words, but i hope it made a little bit of sense :)
1:20 pm
Wenchy said…
Hey. It is difficult for me to imagine loosing 40kg... meaning I'm still the fat chick. You have done so fantastically well and I think those mental images may stay with you forever as it makes up who you are and where you come from.... still, you are a better version of self now!

Btw, something personal, answer if you like, or ignore me okay?

1. Has your relationship changed with your husband since loosing so much weight?

2. Is there any loose skin etc that worries you?

Only asking because these are the things that concern ME or that I wonder about... 37kg to goal weight!

You can mail me on mrst@mweb.co.za
if you feel like answering. :o)
3:53 pm
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