livingforrecovery

I am now sober (again) for 4 weeks.  This time I have to say is different. It is a lot of things, not just one thing that is different. I started seeking spiritual help. I started seeing a psychologist. I keep myself happiest with at least 3 yoga sessions a week, as much time at the beach I can muster on the weekend, daily meditation, and most of the time 2-3 AA meetings per week. So far I've managed to sometimes go days without thinking about having a drink, and when I do I shudder.  I know that it won't solve anything, and I don't want to undo any of the good not drinking has already done in my life. I'm like a brand new person. Physically I've lost like 2 sizes and people have said I glow, my skin is starting to improve and my clothes are just falling off of me so I bought some new to me clothes at a op-shop, all of which I love. The past month has been extremely hard for a lot of reasons. First of all I got VERY sick when I relapsed last.  I drank en...

Monday 18/12/2017 I have no idea how I made it through this weekend. I was completely mental. I went to an AA meeting yesterday, I got there early as was going completely insane, then I sat outside in the sun with some other members, all male.  I’ve only talked to them a few times and have only been going to this meeting around every other Sunday because I’ve not really been feeling the need that bad until now. What I wanted was to be at the beach enjoying the day without sitting there in the sun, crying over how bad I want to drink.  The good news is I didn’t drink, but the fact is I fought it all weekend.  I had to daily make a decision to walk past the pub, the lawn-bowls club… to not go and gate crash my neighbour’s house party on Saturday night. It was horrendous. I want the cravings to go away.  I don’t want to have to talk to myself, literally talk myself out of drinking for days at a time. I don’t want this to be this hard.  Please God, ...

I didn't have to read much of the last few entries to know where I left this thing. A lot changed. A lot did not. I went back to drinking, I guess I wasn't desperate enough to stay stopped.  I hadn't experienced quite the amount of pain needed for me to make it a permanent change. I don't even remember the exact date I began drinking again, but I what I remember most is that I couldn't do it without a numbing agent.  I needed it desperately. It took a long time of drinking again for me to see how it never helped anything.  It NEVER helped anything. Today makes 71 days of sobriety this time around. It sounds like a long time, but in reality it isn't. Tonight is my work's Christmas party.  I am going.  The plan is to not drink.  It is hard to believe that I am not going to drink on a night where everyone else will be, on a night when society says hey, it is okay, have a few wines to celebrate, you deserve it!  A night when the dr...

So tonight on Facebook I visited one of my friends links to her blog. I seriously had not thought about this blog in so long. I don't know why I stopped writing. But I want to start again. I have always found writing therapeutic. It has been so long since I've written I re-read my last entries. I cried. I was in so much pain back then with the end of my relationship with Ash.. and recuperating from the accident. I can't say that pain no longer exists in my world because it does. But I have clearly grown immensely in my understanding of pain. I have discovered several people that have influenced me and changed my life. Louise Hay was the first. Then through reading and getting to know her I came across Dr. Wayne Dyer. These and several more people have changed my life incredibly. I plan to keep writing. Tonight I will leave it brief as I have a head cold and need to rest.  But look out blog world. I'm back!!!

7/5 meditation for today: I can let you take the path you choose and still love you. I'm really looking forward to being on the farm this weekend, I'm going to go for long walks enjoy the country air. I'm learning to appreciate everyone that is in my life. I know that they are a part of it for a reason. I had so much fun with D. Reilly last night.  I always do.  He makes me smile. I was called up on stage during the intermission to participate in a contest of constructing something tall out of straws.  I got called up there because I have a big mouth.  Reilly came up with me and we won! Well there was no prize but it was fun.    

5/5 I can't believe how much the Coco movie has diturbed me.  I am thinking of going to see it again this weekend when I will inevitably be alone.  I think the content is so close to home. I identified with so much. I was so upset by it. I'm learning so much about myself and feel that I'm on the right path, to feeling better.  I have been blessed so much with wonderful people around me.  I'm so glad to have lari back, even if she is on the farm most of the time.  Just knowing she is there helps me. It is so good to have my sponsor, my psychologist, marie (who I see tonight) and nessa.  I can't believe how much support I have. I know you're not spiritual but I believe that someone is looking out for me.  She is looking for work and I saw her the past 2 weekends so I don't think I will see her this coming weeend. The flatmates don't factor in too often, but it is a lot to expect from boys.  At first they loved and hugge...

sigh.

I got wet this morning. I left my umbrella at work because I had too much to carry with my gym bag and handbag.  I almost didn't make it to my meeting but took the bus and then was loaned an umbrella by another member. I still think about you every day and wonder how long your month will be in actuality. Going to the gym has helped my mood overall.  That is a good thing.  The bad thing is these moments are fleeting and I inevitably end up crying at some point. The weekend of your birthday I have 2 big events, a wedding and a larita's bday party on her farm. I wonder if you will talk to me before then? I don't know. Somehow I doubt it.

If my life is a novel, I wonder if it will end up being a tragedy, a comedy or a horror?

You must not miss me at all if 5 weeks feels like 2 to you. I guess you're so busy celebrating your doctorate, and enjoying all of your free time. Maybe the girl who you were getting texts from when I was unable to walk after the car hit me has been able to send you messages again. Maybe you can turn your phone off silent. Sometimes I'm angry.  But mostly I am sad.  I listened to this sad song on my ipod over and over and over again on my way to work with tears in my eyes. This makes me feel it is time to change my ipod.  I've lost one of them again, so when I wipe the songs off the silver one it will all be on me to download and figure out how to do new ones. It is like I'm starting over in everything. After Lars went out to her bday party on sat night I went to see a movie by myself. I knew I wouldn't run into you at the Nova.  You detest art films so much.  And it was about Coco Chanel, even more reason you'd never go.  You were prob...

5 weeks, 6 weeks, yes life goes on. On with the show. I don't have much time to write now but I have become more accepting. This is a good thing. I am aware that this is out of my control and my desire to control it is getting smaller. So you don't want to talk to me. I thought I couldn't live with that. But it looks like I have to.

This is just a test. going to attempt to write entries from work and email them to blogger.  I've got a lot of thougths going round and round in my head and my friends obviously need a break sometimes. So I realised yesterday actually makes 5 weeks. five weeks is a rather long month, and the 'month' is probably nowhere near coming to an end. I am mostly sad but also know that I am going to be okay. How do I know that? Well this happened at the right time I think.  I have an awesome psychologist. A great friend and sponsor.  Lara is back in town.  I have a gym membership, and my flatmates although boys, are pretty awesome too. Have to hold on to the little things.

I went to a lecture tonight by Dr Michael Yapko , Called Depression is Contagious. It was very interesting but a little long. I will probably have more to say about it at another time. I wanted to write tonight but there is too much to say.

I feel like I should be writing. I've missed it. I look back at my enormous archives and ache for all the time lost. All the moments I didn't put in here. I read your comments and I see all the support my readers have always given me. It makes me feel loved. I'm not doing well. This is not a surprise I know. I always write when I'm depressed. The thing is I write and then I don't like what I've written. I delete it. I write again, I delete. I feel so dead. Like the car should have killed me. No. Like the car did kill me. Like the last year has been purgatory. And now the past 5 weeks have been hell.

There's a moment, there's always a moment, 'I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it, and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one." I've been thinking a lot today about the choices I've made; it hasn't been a pleasant day at all. So yeah here I am writing again about how miserable I am. There seems to be a common theme going on around here. I write when I'm miserable and sometimes writing makes me miserable. It's a big catch 22 full circle bullshit situation. I want to write a novel and I want to use the things that have happened to me in my life as material... at the moment I'm recuperating from an accident and I've got a lot of time on my hands so today I started to write and in the process sent myself into a depression. I had to get out of here and it was ugly outside. It was just grey enough and rainy enough and cold enough to make it shitty, but not bad enough to make me stay inside. I boug...

I'm not in a good way at the moment. I'm struggling with a lot of things but the biggest one is pain and the thing is I have no option except to deal with it. I have no choice. Yes, that's right, no fucking choice. I have no magic cure or pill to take. In fact the crap they have me on I may as well not even bother with because it does absolutely nothing for me. I'd like to say a big thank you to all of you out there who have managed to abuse prescription painkillers because you are the reason I am unable to have some relief right now, Thank you very fucking much. I hope you enjoyed yourselves, seriously. The thought of you numbing your inner pain gives me a real thrill. "You can't have anti-inflammatory drugs," they tell me, "because of the bleeding you had on your brain; You also have to stop taking this one drug we've given you because it is highly addictive and after a while your body finds a way to bypass it's pain masking ability...

Well it has now been 4 weeks since the accident. And I've come a long way baby. I am back at my own place, finally being able to take care of myself and walk up and down my stairs. When Ashley dropped me off on Tuesday I didn't want to let him go. I cried because I've been very well taken care of by him and it was a joy to be able to see him every day. But of course it didn't take long for me to feel comforted by being in my own room, surrounded by my own things. There's something very positive as well about being able to take care of myself even though I am far from being 100% recovered. This week I've crossed the street twice where I was hit. I did it because I decided that the only way to tackle this thing is to be a fighter. I can't let fear get the best of me. I have to go on, life goes on. I don't really have much choice about that and the sooner I decide to get on with things in a positive way, the sooner I'll be okay again. There...

" Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself. " Walter Anderson I continue to have bad moments, periods of prolonged sadness and depression about my situation. I think I'm not only driving myself insane but Ashley as well. I want badly to be positive and think about the good things and not the bad but it is very hard. I'm in just enough pain to keep me from being able to do anything on my own except going to the loo and heating a cup of soup or getting myself a drink. I've never been a big TV watcher, even on my days off I'd spend half the day walking around rundle mall shopping or going for a bike ride. I have never watched so much TV in all my life, and I feel lazy and sad and lonely. I've yet to feel even happy about the break...

" When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. " Henri Nouwen I mean no offense to anyone with this statement because I know not everyone has a belief in a higher power, but I want to believe more than anything that God will give me nothing that he doesn't believe that I can handle. On Saturday the 20th of June I was walking, I was not 15 minutes from my destination and listening to my ipod. It was around 6:45am and the stars were still out. I must have been thinking about the music or where I was going. I was in a pleasant mood, looking forward to my weekend. I had to stop at Wakefield street to wait for the pedestrian green light to let me cross, and shortly after starting to cross the street a car turned onto the street, not looking, and hit me. The only thing I rem...

If you go back and you read any random page of my years of archives you will see that my life has been a constant struggle. It seems to me that no matter what size or weight I was I was never happy with it. Always wanting to lose 5 more kilos, fit into that crazy dress . I starved myself for at least 2 weeks to get into that thing. I was obsessed with weight loss. There is no doubt about it. Yes I had been overweight for sometime and had been suffering a lot from it when the whole crazy process started. The weight loss itself was a good thing until it became an obsession. I started reading other people's weight loss blogs and stopped my normal blogging and started this one, don't you love the title!? I've had an online diary since early 2000, and look at this wow . Writing has always been an outlet for me and publishing my writing, even online was cathartic and therapeutic. I didn't always write about weight loss, I wrote of course about everything and everyone. Some pe...