I'm not in a good way at the moment. I'm struggling with a lot of things but the biggest one is pain and the thing is I have no option except to deal with it. I have no choice. Yes, that's right, no fucking choice. I have no magic cure or pill to take. In fact the crap they have me on I may as well not even bother with because it does absolutely nothing for me.
I'd like to say a big thank you to all of you out there who have managed to abuse prescription painkillers because you are the reason I am unable to have some relief right now, Thank you very fucking much. I hope you enjoyed yourselves, seriously. The thought of you numbing your inner pain gives me a real thrill.
"You can't have anti-inflammatory drugs," they tell me, "because of the bleeding you had on your brain; You also have to stop taking this one drug we've given you because it is highly addictive and after a while your body finds a way to bypass it's pain masking ability requiring you to need more of it to have the same relief that it once gave you." So basically what you’re telling me is I'm shit out of luck. Thankyouveryfuckingmuch.
All I want is relief from the constant agony and my mind goes around in circles.
I once would have gone straight to the bottle shop and bought any kind of alcohol, probably vodka. I wouldn't really care that drinking alcohol also would be a very bad idea at the moment due to the brain injury. What it would do is provide some momentary relief. It would be like pulling down a shade on the inner torment. But I know that that is not the answer. To give into an alcoholic escape would not help me with this. There is a part of me that still believes the crap. The diseased part of me lies to me and says that it will make everything better. I know it for what it is though and because of that today I will not drink.
Just as I wrote the previous sentence my phone rang and it was my sister. One of the only good things that has come of this accident is it has remarkably healed my relationship with her. She was in a very serious car accident when we were still teenagers and had a massive head injury, as well as a broken neck and beat up body. She is the only person in my life that can say she understands me right now and mean it. And the symptoms I've had with relation to the brain injury part have helped me to finally understand her. It has taken a long time, but I love her again. I was all choked up on the pain and the emotion I was feeling while writing the beginning of this entry and after an hour of talking to her I felt better. I felt more calm. And for that I can say I'm grateful.
I will make it though today, I will make it through this. No, it isn't easy but I am a fighter. She said, "Don't forget what a tough woman you are."
And I thank her for the reminder.
I'd like to say a big thank you to all of you out there who have managed to abuse prescription painkillers because you are the reason I am unable to have some relief right now, Thank you very fucking much. I hope you enjoyed yourselves, seriously. The thought of you numbing your inner pain gives me a real thrill.
"You can't have anti-inflammatory drugs," they tell me, "because of the bleeding you had on your brain; You also have to stop taking this one drug we've given you because it is highly addictive and after a while your body finds a way to bypass it's pain masking ability requiring you to need more of it to have the same relief that it once gave you." So basically what you’re telling me is I'm shit out of luck. Thankyouveryfuckingmuch.
All I want is relief from the constant agony and my mind goes around in circles.
I once would have gone straight to the bottle shop and bought any kind of alcohol, probably vodka. I wouldn't really care that drinking alcohol also would be a very bad idea at the moment due to the brain injury. What it would do is provide some momentary relief. It would be like pulling down a shade on the inner torment. But I know that that is not the answer. To give into an alcoholic escape would not help me with this. There is a part of me that still believes the crap. The diseased part of me lies to me and says that it will make everything better. I know it for what it is though and because of that today I will not drink.
Just as I wrote the previous sentence my phone rang and it was my sister. One of the only good things that has come of this accident is it has remarkably healed my relationship with her. She was in a very serious car accident when we were still teenagers and had a massive head injury, as well as a broken neck and beat up body. She is the only person in my life that can say she understands me right now and mean it. And the symptoms I've had with relation to the brain injury part have helped me to finally understand her. It has taken a long time, but I love her again. I was all choked up on the pain and the emotion I was feeling while writing the beginning of this entry and after an hour of talking to her I felt better. I felt more calm. And for that I can say I'm grateful.
I will make it though today, I will make it through this. No, it isn't easy but I am a fighter. She said, "Don't forget what a tough woman you are."
And I thank her for the reminder.
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