There's a moment, there's always a moment, 'I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it, and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one."
I've been thinking a lot today about the choices I've made; it hasn't been a pleasant day at all.
So yeah here I am writing again about how miserable I am. There seems to be a common theme going on around here. I write when I'm miserable and sometimes writing makes me miserable. It's a big catch 22 full circle bullshit situation.
I want to write a novel and I want to use the things that have happened to me in my life as material... at the moment I'm recuperating from an accident and I've got a lot of time on my hands so today I started to write and in the process sent myself into a depression. I had to get out of here and it was ugly outside. It was just grey enough and rainy enough and cold enough to make it shitty, but not bad enough to make me stay inside.
I bought this long jumper (for you English and Aussies) or cardigan from a store I like to shop from online and the 2nd time I wore it the first 2 buttons fell off. I was angry about it and was just going to return the thing for a refund but then of course I got hit by a car and was laid up for a few weeks so after coming home I decided I may as well just take it to have the buttons sewn back on and keep the damn thing. No, I cannot sew, not even buttons. And I decided that I needed to take it today because I had spent all day in my room and I was going mad. I walked to the place I like to go to for alterations and upon trying to open the door without even looking discovered that the door was locked and read a note on it saying the shop was temporarily closed. I thought to myself how perfect that was. Of course it wouldn't be open, that would be convenient. So I had to cross the street and go the the other dry cleaner's that is more expensive and because it is an awkward place to cross the street had to stand there and wait while the next bus into town passed me by. There was a trend. I wanted to just forget it all and go back home, but I didn't.
What I couldn't seem to get away from today is the thoughts in my head.
The last few years have been really shitty for me. I spent a lot of time being depressed and I didn't have a computer so I didn't blog about any of it, but something tells me that even if I did have one I still wouldn't have written. I didn't really want to think about the things that were bothering me and that is what writing makes me do. It makes me THINK. Instead I wanted to drown my sorrows and I did a lot of drinking in that time. But guess what? I've stopped drinking and the problems, the mental anguish? Check. Still there.
Now that the cobwebs are clearing and I'm not using alcohol to kill the voices in my head I can hear them again and I don't like it.
I went to the goodwill shop hoping I might find a nice vintage coat there that would replace the one that had to be cut off of me on the 20th of June in the emergency room but I couldn't possibly be that lucky. Not today. That venture didn't take up much time because the shop closes at 5 and so I then took myself to a coffee shop and had a caramelatte. That's the way they spell it. It was yummy but I realised that I hadn't eaten since 10am when I had cereal so I went to the burrito shop next door to the cafe that's called Burp. I think the name is hilarious. Anyway, after my food I was still restless so I went to another coffee shop and had a peppermint tea. All the while doing this I was in pain.
Big fucking deal right? I mean we're all in pain of some kind. Why do I think you give a fuck about what I feel?
Yes I am in pain and boo hoo, so what a car hit me?! I'm sure there are millions of people right now in a lot worse strife than me. It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that, it still fucking hurts, the pain is still there.
My left hand is feeling a slight numbness as well and this is causing me worry. I've had a previous disc prolapse in my neck and I know what numbness in the hands is about. I only hope that whatever nerve is being tweaked inside my neck works itself out. I would rather kill myself than go through the agony of nerve pain again. Seriously. I'd jump off a building first.
And now I feel like I am rambling and you know what? I don't care.
I did some really stupid things that I'm ashamed of and during that time I was drunk a lot. I drank because it was fun for a long time and I drank because it made me feel good, it made me alive. But somewhere along the way I started drinking because I was miserable. I've thought about this today too, but maybe just maybe it was the drinking that made me miserable.
Some of the life altering decisions I've made were made when I was drunk or at least during a period of time that I was drinking on a daily basis. How can one function properly or grow emotionally when you don't allow yourself to FEEL emotions. Drunkenness took away my ability to feel, and my ability to grow.
Feeling and growing hurts and I'm hurting a lot right now. I'm sad about a lot of the things and angry somewhat too.
That line from Closer has always stood out in my mind as unbelievably true. There is always a moment. I remember mine and wish I could take it back. But now all I'm left with is learning and growing and moving on.
What else can I do?
I've been thinking a lot today about the choices I've made; it hasn't been a pleasant day at all.
So yeah here I am writing again about how miserable I am. There seems to be a common theme going on around here. I write when I'm miserable and sometimes writing makes me miserable. It's a big catch 22 full circle bullshit situation.
I want to write a novel and I want to use the things that have happened to me in my life as material... at the moment I'm recuperating from an accident and I've got a lot of time on my hands so today I started to write and in the process sent myself into a depression. I had to get out of here and it was ugly outside. It was just grey enough and rainy enough and cold enough to make it shitty, but not bad enough to make me stay inside.
I bought this long jumper (for you English and Aussies) or cardigan from a store I like to shop from online and the 2nd time I wore it the first 2 buttons fell off. I was angry about it and was just going to return the thing for a refund but then of course I got hit by a car and was laid up for a few weeks so after coming home I decided I may as well just take it to have the buttons sewn back on and keep the damn thing. No, I cannot sew, not even buttons. And I decided that I needed to take it today because I had spent all day in my room and I was going mad. I walked to the place I like to go to for alterations and upon trying to open the door without even looking discovered that the door was locked and read a note on it saying the shop was temporarily closed. I thought to myself how perfect that was. Of course it wouldn't be open, that would be convenient. So I had to cross the street and go the the other dry cleaner's that is more expensive and because it is an awkward place to cross the street had to stand there and wait while the next bus into town passed me by. There was a trend. I wanted to just forget it all and go back home, but I didn't.
What I couldn't seem to get away from today is the thoughts in my head.
The last few years have been really shitty for me. I spent a lot of time being depressed and I didn't have a computer so I didn't blog about any of it, but something tells me that even if I did have one I still wouldn't have written. I didn't really want to think about the things that were bothering me and that is what writing makes me do. It makes me THINK. Instead I wanted to drown my sorrows and I did a lot of drinking in that time. But guess what? I've stopped drinking and the problems, the mental anguish? Check. Still there.
Now that the cobwebs are clearing and I'm not using alcohol to kill the voices in my head I can hear them again and I don't like it.
I went to the goodwill shop hoping I might find a nice vintage coat there that would replace the one that had to be cut off of me on the 20th of June in the emergency room but I couldn't possibly be that lucky. Not today. That venture didn't take up much time because the shop closes at 5 and so I then took myself to a coffee shop and had a caramelatte. That's the way they spell it. It was yummy but I realised that I hadn't eaten since 10am when I had cereal so I went to the burrito shop next door to the cafe that's called Burp. I think the name is hilarious. Anyway, after my food I was still restless so I went to another coffee shop and had a peppermint tea. All the while doing this I was in pain.
Big fucking deal right? I mean we're all in pain of some kind. Why do I think you give a fuck about what I feel?
Yes I am in pain and boo hoo, so what a car hit me?! I'm sure there are millions of people right now in a lot worse strife than me. It doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that, it still fucking hurts, the pain is still there.
My left hand is feeling a slight numbness as well and this is causing me worry. I've had a previous disc prolapse in my neck and I know what numbness in the hands is about. I only hope that whatever nerve is being tweaked inside my neck works itself out. I would rather kill myself than go through the agony of nerve pain again. Seriously. I'd jump off a building first.
And now I feel like I am rambling and you know what? I don't care.
I did some really stupid things that I'm ashamed of and during that time I was drunk a lot. I drank because it was fun for a long time and I drank because it made me feel good, it made me alive. But somewhere along the way I started drinking because I was miserable. I've thought about this today too, but maybe just maybe it was the drinking that made me miserable.
Some of the life altering decisions I've made were made when I was drunk or at least during a period of time that I was drinking on a daily basis. How can one function properly or grow emotionally when you don't allow yourself to FEEL emotions. Drunkenness took away my ability to feel, and my ability to grow.
Feeling and growing hurts and I'm hurting a lot right now. I'm sad about a lot of the things and angry somewhat too.
That line from Closer has always stood out in my mind as unbelievably true. There is always a moment. I remember mine and wish I could take it back. But now all I'm left with is learning and growing and moving on.
What else can I do?
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Take care