I have to think this is true. It has got to get better than this.
Yesterday I received an anoymous comment from one of my real life friends because something I said on here about her offended her. I was devastated. After re-reading what I wrote I knew that if it were me I would have felt exactly the same way she does.
I've apologised and tried making ammends but she is still mad at me, as she has every right to be. I haven't been the best friend I could be in the past few months. I've sunk into depression and in the course of that have avoided everyone I know. I haven't wanted to talk about it, I haven't wanted to do anything. Above all I haven't been interested or involved in anyone elses life. To put it simply I have been very selfish.
Navel gasing is not attractive.
Today I had to see one of my physiotherapist's collegues because she was booked out for the week and I was an emotional wreck for the whole thing. As I was leaving my normal physio saw me and asked how I was. I started crying in the lobby in front of the receptionist. I told her that although I should have realised it a long time ago it is just now beginning to sink in that I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life. Her response?
She said that many people have bulging discs and don't have any symptoms. But the thing is, I do. I have pain every day. My job exasperates my symptoms, and I need to work. We would be bankrupt if I quit my job. I don't have the luxury of staying at home full-time waiting for the symptoms to stop, and that is probably what I need to do.
I weighed myself today and I weighed 67.2. That is lower than my latest weight recorded on the left-hand bar. I don't know if I will change it yet. I spent so long obsessing about my friend when I woke up today that I didn't eat my 40g high-fibre ceral until 2pm, I ate at tuna sandwhich at 4pm, and for dinner I had 50g lindt chocolate.
I'm not hungry. I'm tired, and I'm sad. I don't know how to cope with what is happening to me.
Yesterday I received an anoymous comment from one of my real life friends because something I said on here about her offended her. I was devastated. After re-reading what I wrote I knew that if it were me I would have felt exactly the same way she does.
I've apologised and tried making ammends but she is still mad at me, as she has every right to be. I haven't been the best friend I could be in the past few months. I've sunk into depression and in the course of that have avoided everyone I know. I haven't wanted to talk about it, I haven't wanted to do anything. Above all I haven't been interested or involved in anyone elses life. To put it simply I have been very selfish.
Navel gasing is not attractive.
Today I had to see one of my physiotherapist's collegues because she was booked out for the week and I was an emotional wreck for the whole thing. As I was leaving my normal physio saw me and asked how I was. I started crying in the lobby in front of the receptionist. I told her that although I should have realised it a long time ago it is just now beginning to sink in that I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life. Her response?
She said that many people have bulging discs and don't have any symptoms. But the thing is, I do. I have pain every day. My job exasperates my symptoms, and I need to work. We would be bankrupt if I quit my job. I don't have the luxury of staying at home full-time waiting for the symptoms to stop, and that is probably what I need to do.
I weighed myself today and I weighed 67.2. That is lower than my latest weight recorded on the left-hand bar. I don't know if I will change it yet. I spent so long obsessing about my friend when I woke up today that I didn't eat my 40g high-fibre ceral until 2pm, I ate at tuna sandwhich at 4pm, and for dinner I had 50g lindt chocolate.
I'm not hungry. I'm tired, and I'm sad. I don't know how to cope with what is happening to me.
Comments
Second of all, sweetie, darling doll, you have not been selfish. You retreated to the level of interaction with the world that you could tolerate, and that's just how depression works. Navel gazing, my ass; you're working through how to manage living with your life the way it is. You're already living with being the survivor of some insanely rough treatment, being on the other side of the world from your family, going through huge legal issues, dealing with your weight issues, struggling with the new knowledge that you're going to have to live with this physical problem your whole life, and on top of that, clinical depression. Any ONE of those things could clobber a person; you've got a ton of 'em. If you need space to work this stuff out in writing, that's a tool, not selfishness or navel gazing. It's YOUR blog, for pity's sake, if it wasn't about you then there would be nothing written here!
You're worth the trouble. Worth trouble to yourself, worth trouble to your friends. It's all right if your friends get angry with you at times, because that's part of loving you; it doesn't mean they don't love you, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. You are lovely, and you're going through an incredibly rough time of it. Of course you're going to withdraw and try to focus on putting your own life together. Good grief, why wouldn't you?
The Paxil will kick in eventually. It takes a while. It doesn't mean it's not doing any good, it just means that it's building up slowly, bit by bit, as your body adjusts to it. I kept crashing and burning my first few weeks on Zoloft and I wasn't having anywhere near the problems you were. One of my friends took weeks on Paxil to build up enough to start really feeling better. Give it time.
You're worth the trouble.
When he uses his arms and shoulders for any length of time he is in pain. He eats tylenol and pain killers like candy. He deals. He knows it will never get better. He just takes one day at a time.
Why am I telling you this? My father isn't a senior, he's only 52. He's been dealing with neck/back issues since in his 30's.
I wish I could tell you it gets better, but I think you know better. But life is what you make of it. I think you are going in the right direction with trying to get the depression under control. Once you get that settled, I say find a doctor that will listen to you. Obviously I don't know the Australian system well, but you need to find someone who will work with you. There may not be anything much they can do but they should be able to help you control the after affects of it. People live with this disease and much much worse, I just hope you find someone who can help you live with it a lot better than you are.
I hope this makes sense? If you need clarification on anything...email me :)
As far as the depression - the prozac does take awhile to kick in. I did Paxil for a bit, and that seemed to help, but I had more anxiety than depression.
Hope you know we are here for you. Big hugs...
I recently posted a story about fitness that jives with some of the content on your blog.
I will be back in future,
Mike
You're going to therapy, and taking the medication- I think you are doing what's necessary to cope. The part that sucks is that it always takes time. How I wish it were like a headache- take the pill, get better shortly thereafter- but unfortunately it's not. Try not to be too hard on yourself while enduring the wait.
Only one left to bitch about is myself :-(
MSM
cq