I just returned from the psychologist, who from now on I will refer to as R.
I have to write now while it is all still fresh. So many ideas are swirling around. I've forgotten how insightful and amazing it is to have this time to talk without worrying about what the other person is thinking.
And did I ever talk.
There were a few themes, one of them being my friend that I upset by writing about her on here. I've been feeling so bad about hurting her and in talking about it with R. I realize how much I project the way I would feel onto other people. I assume that she feels exactly the same way I would in the same situation, but of course my friend is her own person.
When I talked about my friend with R. all of the things I love about her were revealed and I also realized I probably have never told her these things. One of the main things that drew me to her as a friend is her confidence; I love how she feels secure and sexy and wears and basically says anything she feels like. She is my complete opposite in that regard and I adore and envy that about her.
One of the main reasons I haven't been spending a lot of time talking to her lately is because I fear that she will get tired of hearing me complain about my problems because all I think about is the pain I am in.
When I got home tonight I phoned her to apologize in person because saying you're sorry to someone in an email is very lame. I got her voicemail. But I still left a message saying how sorry I am and I really hope she knows how much she means to me.
The other themes were work, the pain, my family, my weight obsession, and my sexual abuse. In the end how I really feel was painfully obvious.
I don't feel that after all the shit that has happened to me in my life that it is fair that I should have to deal with this neck problem. I'm only 30 fucking years old! Why does this have to happen to me?
I am what I hate. I hate being powerless and this degenerative neck disease renders me powerless. I can't do anything about it. I have a GP, a physio-therapist, a psychologist, a lawyer, a rehabilitation specialist, a worker's compensation case manager, and am waiting to be referred to a occupational physician. And (this is the kicker!) not one of these people can do what I want, nah what I need .
No one can take away my pain.
No one can make me all better again.
This will not happen.
I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life and it SUCKS. It sucks so fucking much.
I thought that the worst was put behind me and that in essence my life was looking up. I married the most fabulous man in the world, I lost a shit load of weight, I got myself together! I really did. You should have seen the coping mechanisms I've gotten rid of! I've come so far. And here I am in a hole again. Here I am at what feels like home base. All I want to do is throw in the towel.
On Saturday the first thing my doctor said to me was, "you have lost more weight, you will need to be careful on pr0zac because it does make you lose weight." What?? I may have lost a half of a kilo, maybe a kilo. Trust me I'm in no danger of anorexia. The hunger has returned full force this week.
Tonight I was feeling so fat that I changed 3 times before going to my psychologist appointment and when I arrived she said, "Wow I think you've lost weight since I've seen you."
Why can't I see that? And seriously how sad is it that while I am popping pain pills and feeling like the world is going to end because of my neck, I can still find time to beat myself up about my thighs?
Face it, I'm hopeless. I'm a sad, sad, soul. Even to me it looks like the appointment tonight didn't bode well for my mood, but it has me thinking! I need to get these issues under control.
If you've read this far thank you. You deserve an ovation.
I have to write now while it is all still fresh. So many ideas are swirling around. I've forgotten how insightful and amazing it is to have this time to talk without worrying about what the other person is thinking.
And did I ever talk.
There were a few themes, one of them being my friend that I upset by writing about her on here. I've been feeling so bad about hurting her and in talking about it with R. I realize how much I project the way I would feel onto other people. I assume that she feels exactly the same way I would in the same situation, but of course my friend is her own person.
When I talked about my friend with R. all of the things I love about her were revealed and I also realized I probably have never told her these things. One of the main things that drew me to her as a friend is her confidence; I love how she feels secure and sexy and wears and basically says anything she feels like. She is my complete opposite in that regard and I adore and envy that about her.
One of the main reasons I haven't been spending a lot of time talking to her lately is because I fear that she will get tired of hearing me complain about my problems because all I think about is the pain I am in.
When I got home tonight I phoned her to apologize in person because saying you're sorry to someone in an email is very lame. I got her voicemail. But I still left a message saying how sorry I am and I really hope she knows how much she means to me.
The other themes were work, the pain, my family, my weight obsession, and my sexual abuse. In the end how I really feel was painfully obvious.
I don't feel that after all the shit that has happened to me in my life that it is fair that I should have to deal with this neck problem. I'm only 30 fucking years old! Why does this have to happen to me?
I am what I hate. I hate being powerless and this degenerative neck disease renders me powerless. I can't do anything about it. I have a GP, a physio-therapist, a psychologist, a lawyer, a rehabilitation specialist, a worker's compensation case manager, and am waiting to be referred to a occupational physician. And (this is the kicker!) not one of these people can do what I want, nah what I need .
No one can take away my pain.
No one can make me all better again.
This will not happen.
I will have to deal with this for the rest of my life and it SUCKS. It sucks so fucking much.
I thought that the worst was put behind me and that in essence my life was looking up. I married the most fabulous man in the world, I lost a shit load of weight, I got myself together! I really did. You should have seen the coping mechanisms I've gotten rid of! I've come so far. And here I am in a hole again. Here I am at what feels like home base. All I want to do is throw in the towel.
On Saturday the first thing my doctor said to me was, "you have lost more weight, you will need to be careful on pr0zac because it does make you lose weight." What?? I may have lost a half of a kilo, maybe a kilo. Trust me I'm in no danger of anorexia. The hunger has returned full force this week.
Tonight I was feeling so fat that I changed 3 times before going to my psychologist appointment and when I arrived she said, "Wow I think you've lost weight since I've seen you."
Why can't I see that? And seriously how sad is it that while I am popping pain pills and feeling like the world is going to end because of my neck, I can still find time to beat myself up about my thighs?
Face it, I'm hopeless. I'm a sad, sad, soul. Even to me it looks like the appointment tonight didn't bode well for my mood, but it has me thinking! I need to get these issues under control.
If you've read this far thank you. You deserve an ovation.
Comments
p.s if this is the worst it ever gets for you... in my books you're one of the lucky ones! Try and write at least one sentence that's positive next time.
"...my life was looking up. I married the most fabulous man in the world, I lost a shit load of weight, I got myself together! I really did. You should have seen the coping mechanisms I've gotten rid of! I've come so far"
You have come so far, and I understand that things are hard for you now, but dont lose sight of what you have achieved. Some of us have more battles to fight in life than others, you are strong enough to do this, you have proven that. Dont give up. I am thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.
:-)) Joc
Thanks so much for your beautiful comments left after the birth of our darlin. :-)
I need to say this. I have no idea what you are going through, but I fully comprehend the frustration of your 'body' not matching your 'mind', 'soul' and more. It drives you nuts when you can be moving forward and then smack up against a brick wall at break neck speed.
I feel for you. I do.
You've travelled far. Too far to turn back. It doesn't seem like it, but you have your health (even with ailments), you have love, you have regular food, you have clothing and shelter and you have a wonderful support crew who are working to get you better.
Sending you all my healing thoughts!
BTW, this is your blog and you can be as positive or negative as you need to be. Sometimes getting it off your chest is the best thing. I'm glad you are seeing a professional and I hope she can help you see the light, so to speak.