I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but Australians are a bit different when it comes to weight loss. They're very private and compliments and comments aren't as forthcoming as they'd be in the US where everyone is on a diet, thinking about going on a diet etc.
Yesterday I received an email from one of my co-workers and this is what she wrote:
When she say's "diversity aside" she is referring to the company policy of not saying anything that someone else may find offensive. They're very strict about it. I had to giggle about that, but I was so encouraged. I know it took a lot for her to reach out to me, and I was so happy that people see me as an example.
Argy's recent entry has really struck a chord with me and made me think about my own issues relating to sexual abuse and how it has impacted my life.
Too often I want to push the feelings aside and not deal with it because I don't want to be reminded of the helpless little girl. I don't want to hear what she has to say because it hurts too much.
I've been out of therapy for a while, and the truth is I need to get myself into it again, but I've been putting it off.
My issues with eating began quite early. Because most of my memory of the actual events relating to my grandfather abusing me have been blacked out by my subconscious, I'm not sure how young I was when he started hurting me. I had to be very young, preschool aged, maybe even an infant.
For no reason today I was reminded of a humiliating experience from childhood. I was a swan in our class play in the 3rd grade and although I don't remember being "fat", or worrying about it, my mother bought me a pair of tights that were too small and forced me to wear them even though I couldn't pull them up. She was mad at me because I couldn't fit into them and I remember her making me cry because she said I was too fat.
I don't know what her exact words were, I just remember feeling so embarrassed and ashamed. Those 2 feelings have been with me for the majority of my life.
There is so much shame to carry when you are molested, too much dirtiness.
You feel sick because even though you know it is wrong, you can't control feeling pleasure from it. Your body betrays you. You feel you are to blame. You feel you should never be allowed to be attractive, otherwise others may want to do this to you as well; so you eat.
You eat to hide, you eat to smother your feelings, you eat to disguise your body. Food can make the feelings go away temporarily. When you are fat then you can blame all your problems on being fat. Men don't want you when you are fat, you don't have to deal with your sexuality.
When I did embrace my sexuality I went crazy. It was the same behaviour except I replaced food with sex. I wanted to be loved, I wanted to feel loved. I thought sex was the only way how. I still sometimes have a very blurred sense of the difference between being loved, and being wanted. I fear this will never be undone completely.
I can celebrate that I have made great strides in overcoming the past. I don't write this today for your sympathy, nor do I use it as an excuse for anything that goes wrong in my life. I do not want to be seen as a victim, but a survivor.
I unquestionably believe that the past is the past, it is what we do with today that matters.
Yesterday I received an email from one of my co-workers and this is what she wrote:
Hey Becca. A quite personal thing really. I cannot help notice how great you look. Diversity aside, I am sick of being fat. Can you please let me know how I join Weight Watchers as it seems, with your will power, and their help, you have achieved as well as maintained your ideal weight.
When she say's "diversity aside" she is referring to the company policy of not saying anything that someone else may find offensive. They're very strict about it. I had to giggle about that, but I was so encouraged. I know it took a lot for her to reach out to me, and I was so happy that people see me as an example.
Argy's recent entry has really struck a chord with me and made me think about my own issues relating to sexual abuse and how it has impacted my life.
Too often I want to push the feelings aside and not deal with it because I don't want to be reminded of the helpless little girl. I don't want to hear what she has to say because it hurts too much.
I've been out of therapy for a while, and the truth is I need to get myself into it again, but I've been putting it off.
My issues with eating began quite early. Because most of my memory of the actual events relating to my grandfather abusing me have been blacked out by my subconscious, I'm not sure how young I was when he started hurting me. I had to be very young, preschool aged, maybe even an infant.
For no reason today I was reminded of a humiliating experience from childhood. I was a swan in our class play in the 3rd grade and although I don't remember being "fat", or worrying about it, my mother bought me a pair of tights that were too small and forced me to wear them even though I couldn't pull them up. She was mad at me because I couldn't fit into them and I remember her making me cry because she said I was too fat.
I don't know what her exact words were, I just remember feeling so embarrassed and ashamed. Those 2 feelings have been with me for the majority of my life.
There is so much shame to carry when you are molested, too much dirtiness.
You feel sick because even though you know it is wrong, you can't control feeling pleasure from it. Your body betrays you. You feel you are to blame. You feel you should never be allowed to be attractive, otherwise others may want to do this to you as well; so you eat.
You eat to hide, you eat to smother your feelings, you eat to disguise your body. Food can make the feelings go away temporarily. When you are fat then you can blame all your problems on being fat. Men don't want you when you are fat, you don't have to deal with your sexuality.
When I did embrace my sexuality I went crazy. It was the same behaviour except I replaced food with sex. I wanted to be loved, I wanted to feel loved. I thought sex was the only way how. I still sometimes have a very blurred sense of the difference between being loved, and being wanted. I fear this will never be undone completely.
I can celebrate that I have made great strides in overcoming the past. I don't write this today for your sympathy, nor do I use it as an excuse for anything that goes wrong in my life. I do not want to be seen as a victim, but a survivor.
I unquestionably believe that the past is the past, it is what we do with today that matters.
Comments
I've only just discovered this same path of self abuse that has started with abuse many years ago.
Pregnancy has bought all memories of my abuse out with me, and being a regular reader of my blog of the past few months you will have seen the anger and frustrations that came out in my writing, though I have never spoken about it til now.
Thank you.
I think it's great that someone reached out to you for help! I hope she's able to find her own path to success.
Thanks for the very personal post.
I too was very touched by your post, and inspired to continue doing the work I do to help other young survivors of abuse. Thank you so much for your honest words. You have helped me understand a little more.
Marisa