Forgiveness Part 2

Ok so first of all let me say, thank you sincerely for leaving me your comments and inquiring about me I was very touched to read that you guys miss me. It is very nice.

Why wasn't it more obvious? I dont really know. But it seems now everywhere I go, and every single day I'm reminded that what I need to do now is find forgiveness. I need to forgive others but more importantly I need to forgive myself.

The problem, or stumbling block to that is that I ask myself, why can't the answer be anything but that? Why does it have to be forgiveness? I bang my head against the wall because it is the hardest route and I dont want to take it. But what I do know in my heart is that someday, sometime, forgiveness will need to come to pass before I can heal.

At the moment where am I with the whole weight issue? Well I'm at the halfway point. That is, halfway between my thinnest adult weight and my heaviest. Im becoming happier with my body again, but not completely. I'm still working on losing but fortunately most of the time it isnt the centre of my world. Although a few months ago I had to take a hard look at myself and make some vital changes to my habits.

Life in general has been very difficult, and it feels like I have been holding my breath and that I may never be able to breathe again, but I am, and it is awesome to take nice fresh air into my lungs.

There are times in a woman's life when she cries and cries and cries, and even though she has the succor and support of her loved ones, still and yet she cries. Something in this crying keeps the predator away, keeps away unhealthy desire or gain that will ruin her. Tears are a part of the mending of rips in the psyche where energy has leaked and leaked away. The matter is serious, but the worst does not occur—our light is not stolen—for tears make us unconscious. There is no chance to go back to sleep when one is weeping. Whatever sleep comes then is only rest for the physical body.

There have been millions of tears shed. And I still cry a lot.

There is something about the purity of tears that causes the Devil's (offending) power to be broken. And we find this to be true when we cry out for the love of God that nothing, nothing, is on the horizon but the bleakest. The most dark and unredeemed possibilities, and yet the tears save us from being burnt to the ground for no useful end.

Tears can be looked at by some as a sign of weakness, but I have to disagree. Not because I don't feel weak at times, but because tears are necessary in this process and are used for protection.

To be a flowering tree and be moist is essential, otherwise you will break. Crying is good, it is right. It does not cure the dilemma, but it enables the process to continue instead of collapsing.

I've felt hatred and burning anger along with shame and guilt. I've felt terrible inside myself with regard to the degrading of my self-worth from my own doing and the subsequent demoralizing of my spirit.

Right at this moment I can say that I believe it will get better, and that I am on my way to getting better. Some days I've thought I'd prefer death than feel like this, or feel anything at all, but I know that life is valuable whether being experienced through tears, or though laughter.



Quotes above from Clarissa Pinkola Estes Women Who Run With The Wolves