livingforrecovery

sigh.

I got wet this morning. I left my umbrella at work because I had too much to carry with my gym bag and handbag.  I almost didn't make it to my meeting but took the bus and then was loaned an umbrella by another member. I still think about you every day and wonder how long your month will be in actuality. Going to the gym has helped my mood overall.  That is a good thing.  The bad thing is these moments are fleeting and I inevitably end up crying at some point. The weekend of your birthday I have 2 big events, a wedding and a larita's bday party on her farm. I wonder if you will talk to me before then? I don't know. Somehow I doubt it.

If my life is a novel, I wonder if it will end up being a tragedy, a comedy or a horror?

You must not miss me at all if 5 weeks feels like 2 to you. I guess you're so busy celebrating your doctorate, and enjoying all of your free time. Maybe the girl who you were getting texts from when I was unable to walk after the car hit me has been able to send you messages again. Maybe you can turn your phone off silent. Sometimes I'm angry.  But mostly I am sad.  I listened to this sad song on my ipod over and over and over again on my way to work with tears in my eyes. This makes me feel it is time to change my ipod.  I've lost one of them again, so when I wipe the songs off the silver one it will all be on me to download and figure out how to do new ones. It is like I'm starting over in everything. After Lars went out to her bday party on sat night I went to see a movie by myself. I knew I wouldn't run into you at the Nova.  You detest art films so much.  And it was about Coco Chanel, even more reason you'd never go.  You were prob...

5 weeks, 6 weeks, yes life goes on. On with the show. I don't have much time to write now but I have become more accepting. This is a good thing. I am aware that this is out of my control and my desire to control it is getting smaller. So you don't want to talk to me. I thought I couldn't live with that. But it looks like I have to.

This is just a test. going to attempt to write entries from work and email them to blogger.  I've got a lot of thougths going round and round in my head and my friends obviously need a break sometimes. So I realised yesterday actually makes 5 weeks. five weeks is a rather long month, and the 'month' is probably nowhere near coming to an end. I am mostly sad but also know that I am going to be okay. How do I know that? Well this happened at the right time I think.  I have an awesome psychologist. A great friend and sponsor.  Lara is back in town.  I have a gym membership, and my flatmates although boys, are pretty awesome too. Have to hold on to the little things.

I went to a lecture tonight by Dr Michael Yapko , Called Depression is Contagious. It was very interesting but a little long. I will probably have more to say about it at another time. I wanted to write tonight but there is too much to say.

I feel like I should be writing. I've missed it. I look back at my enormous archives and ache for all the time lost. All the moments I didn't put in here. I read your comments and I see all the support my readers have always given me. It makes me feel loved. I'm not doing well. This is not a surprise I know. I always write when I'm depressed. The thing is I write and then I don't like what I've written. I delete it. I write again, I delete. I feel so dead. Like the car should have killed me. No. Like the car did kill me. Like the last year has been purgatory. And now the past 5 weeks have been hell.

There's a moment, there's always a moment, 'I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it, and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one." I've been thinking a lot today about the choices I've made; it hasn't been a pleasant day at all. So yeah here I am writing again about how miserable I am. There seems to be a common theme going on around here. I write when I'm miserable and sometimes writing makes me miserable. It's a big catch 22 full circle bullshit situation. I want to write a novel and I want to use the things that have happened to me in my life as material... at the moment I'm recuperating from an accident and I've got a lot of time on my hands so today I started to write and in the process sent myself into a depression. I had to get out of here and it was ugly outside. It was just grey enough and rainy enough and cold enough to make it shitty, but not bad enough to make me stay inside. I boug...

I'm not in a good way at the moment. I'm struggling with a lot of things but the biggest one is pain and the thing is I have no option except to deal with it. I have no choice. Yes, that's right, no fucking choice. I have no magic cure or pill to take. In fact the crap they have me on I may as well not even bother with because it does absolutely nothing for me. I'd like to say a big thank you to all of you out there who have managed to abuse prescription painkillers because you are the reason I am unable to have some relief right now, Thank you very fucking much. I hope you enjoyed yourselves, seriously. The thought of you numbing your inner pain gives me a real thrill. "You can't have anti-inflammatory drugs," they tell me, "because of the bleeding you had on your brain; You also have to stop taking this one drug we've given you because it is highly addictive and after a while your body finds a way to bypass it's pain masking ability...

Well it has now been 4 weeks since the accident. And I've come a long way baby. I am back at my own place, finally being able to take care of myself and walk up and down my stairs. When Ashley dropped me off on Tuesday I didn't want to let him go. I cried because I've been very well taken care of by him and it was a joy to be able to see him every day. But of course it didn't take long for me to feel comforted by being in my own room, surrounded by my own things. There's something very positive as well about being able to take care of myself even though I am far from being 100% recovered. This week I've crossed the street twice where I was hit. I did it because I decided that the only way to tackle this thing is to be a fighter. I can't let fear get the best of me. I have to go on, life goes on. I don't really have much choice about that and the sooner I decide to get on with things in a positive way, the sooner I'll be okay again. There...

" Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself. " Walter Anderson I continue to have bad moments, periods of prolonged sadness and depression about my situation. I think I'm not only driving myself insane but Ashley as well. I want badly to be positive and think about the good things and not the bad but it is very hard. I'm in just enough pain to keep me from being able to do anything on my own except going to the loo and heating a cup of soup or getting myself a drink. I've never been a big TV watcher, even on my days off I'd spend half the day walking around rundle mall shopping or going for a bike ride. I have never watched so much TV in all my life, and I feel lazy and sad and lonely. I've yet to feel even happy about the break...

" When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. " Henri Nouwen I mean no offense to anyone with this statement because I know not everyone has a belief in a higher power, but I want to believe more than anything that God will give me nothing that he doesn't believe that I can handle. On Saturday the 20th of June I was walking, I was not 15 minutes from my destination and listening to my ipod. It was around 6:45am and the stars were still out. I must have been thinking about the music or where I was going. I was in a pleasant mood, looking forward to my weekend. I had to stop at Wakefield street to wait for the pedestrian green light to let me cross, and shortly after starting to cross the street a car turned onto the street, not looking, and hit me. The only thing I rem...

If you go back and you read any random page of my years of archives you will see that my life has been a constant struggle. It seems to me that no matter what size or weight I was I was never happy with it. Always wanting to lose 5 more kilos, fit into that crazy dress . I starved myself for at least 2 weeks to get into that thing. I was obsessed with weight loss. There is no doubt about it. Yes I had been overweight for sometime and had been suffering a lot from it when the whole crazy process started. The weight loss itself was a good thing until it became an obsession. I started reading other people's weight loss blogs and stopped my normal blogging and started this one, don't you love the title!? I've had an online diary since early 2000, and look at this wow . Writing has always been an outlet for me and publishing my writing, even online was cathartic and therapeutic. I didn't always write about weight loss, I wrote of course about everything and everyone. Some pe...

I'm on holidays in the US. I am mainly visiting family and such. I was so excited because I have not been here in 2 years and I was really looking forward to this trip. Today I am feeling homesick for Australia. This is one of those times when I realise that I am more at home in Adelaide than I am in the US. I don't really belong here anymore and it is not a bad thing. I am not exactly sure what all of this means; but Australia, you're not finished with me yet, and I'm not finished with you.

I share this because it is relevant: I was telling Amelie all about you. if only you could have heard me! I told her how intelligent you are, how we always don't agree but you always teach me things, how I think with my emotions and you think with your head. How much our differences make us work, how I broke it and how I want to fix it, how because you don't suffer fools I know I am intelligent.

from Chapter 14, of Women Who Run With The Wolves , La Selva Subterranea: Initiation of the Underground Forest "during the darkest times of the feminine unconscious, the uterine unconscious, Nature, feeds a woman's soul. Women describe that in the midst of their descent they are in the darkest dark and are touched by the brush of a wing tip and feel lightened. They feel an inner nourishing taking place, a spring of blessed water bursting forth over parched ground. . . from where they do not know. The spring does not solve suffering, but rather nourishes when nothing else is forthcoming. It is a manna in the desert. It is water from stones. It is food out of thin air. It quells the hunger so we can go on. And that is the whole point. . . to go on. To go on toward our knowing destiny" I know I've posted this before. But I feel it is vital to use again. I woke up at 3am unable to go back to sleep. The thing is, I've got so many decisions to make about my...

Let me introduce you to our first candidate for Queen B's room: Miss S First thing I ask is if she will be at work during the day, what does she do? etc. She says she is a student and has a job but she only works one day a week on Thursdays. I think to myself: How does one live on that kind of income? I want to sign up! Damnit to hell I'm not Australian. Your government f-cking loves you. Then she actually turns it around on me and asks me what I do! hehe. When I told her I leave almost every morning at 6am her jaw dropped to the ground. She said, "ohmygod!" So then I ask her, "Do you have any references?" Miss S nervously says, "Um no you see I haven't been on any leases because I lived in the UK for two years and when I came back home (I assume here) I didn't like it here so I moved to Sydney, but I'm back here now but staying with my sister.(stammering) I mean I could ask her flatmate (some guy's name) to give me a reference...

I dont know what to say, So I am going to share this song. I saw the music video this morning and my heart almost broke listening to the words. Born to Try, By Delta Goodrim Doin everything that I believe in Goin by the rules that I've been taught More understanding of what's around me And protected from the walls of love And all that you see is me And all I truly believe That I was born to try I've learned to love Be understanding And believe in life But you've got to make choices Be wrong or right Sometimes you've gotta sacrifice the things you like But I was born to try No point in talking what you should have been And regretting all the things that went on Life's full of mistakes, destinies and fate Remove the clouds and look at the bigger picture And all that you see is me And all I truly believe That I was born to try I've learned to love Be understanding And believe in life But you've gotta make choices Be wrong or right Sometimes you've gotta...

I just got back from seeing Tropic Thunder with my friend Tracy, who if you've visited my Flickr page you will see her . She and I get along so well, and the thing is we have known each other for a long time through our mutual friend, Josie who just got married. The movie was very funny. I highly recommend it. The thing is I don't like stupid humour movies. Seriously. Ask. Anybody. Dumb and Dumber? Puke. But this movie!!!! It has so many jokes in it that I think I need to go see it again to get them all. And the best part [beware spoiler] was the spoof movies in the previews.[/spoiler] But what I really want to know right now is.. what makes someone stop talking to you and not tell you why? I guess it is easy to do when you only talk in email and you live thousands of miles apart. But I just don't get it. One day you're friends, with someone, the next you can't get them to respond to an email. And you don't get to find out what you did that made them disapp...