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No one is reading what I'm not writing

hun-ger
n.

1. A strong desire or need for food.
The discomfort, weakness, or pain caused by a prolonged lack of food.
2. A strong desire or craving: a hunger for affection.

I have been hungry for most of my life. I don't want to die hungry. For the most part my hunger is not physical. Although sometimes it is. But I know that it is easier for me to fill up with food in order to satisfy this emptiness.

I know that I need to address the different forms my hunger takes, but instead I continually fall into the trap of believing I will be happy if I can just be thin. All of my problems will magically disappear. The hunger will subside if I can be a size 10. If I can look hot in a bathing suit I will no longer feel lonely.

If only those jeans will fit me again. If only I didn't have such dumpy legs. If only I had a perfect body that everyone envied.

I had a very good run of feeling better about myself. The exercise had a lot to do with it, but I still haven't lost much weight. I am still around the same size I was a month ago.

I have avoided the scale. It is becomming a problem. How can I progress if I don't really know where I am or where I need to go?

These are good questions. I don't have the answers.

Why am I obsessing again? Why has the self-loathing returned? Why do I feel so fucking hungry?

I want answers.

Coming face to face with the lack of fulfillment in my life in work, relationships, etc. is not easy. Eating chips and drinking lots of red wine, well that is much easier.

There is no problem the compulsive eater will not try to solve with food.

Comments

Belladora said…
Food is always the first thing I turn to. ALWAYS. And it's generally greasy, fast food that makes me feel better. And if I'm really feeling down in the dumps, I don't even regret it after I eat it. But I do when I weigh myself the next day. I don't know what it is that makes us accept ourselves. I've found over time that while I still sometimes find myself unhappy with life, the time I AM happy is becoming more and more frequent. My closest weight loss friend is actually the person who pushed me to start seeing myself as beautiful when I look in the mirror. At first it was hard. Maybe 1 day out of 10 I saw beauty. But then it started becoming more frequent. And now the only time I don't see beauty is when I don't do my hair and put makeup on. So I still have work to do. But the thing is you have to accept yourself for who you are and what you look like. It ultimately doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. The only person who can make you happy or unhappy is YOU. And if you look in the mirror and see beautiful then you ARE beautiful. I struggle with a shitty job everyday, and there are many things in my life I have regret over that bring me down sometimes. I walk everyday because it clears my head. It's like meditation. I don't do it anymore for exercise...I do it for me...for my peace of mind... You'll find balance within yourself. You just have to believe in YOU.
11:58 pm
k8 said…
If I can look hot in a bathing suit I will no longer feel lonely.

omg that is so me. i ask myself all the time what my problem is. will i finally be 100% happy if there are no longer big batflaps under my arms?

k8
4:18 am
drstaceyny said…
Great post! Good luck with your journey. . .
11:15 am
Denise said…
My thoughts exactly and expressed more coherently than I could hope to do myself. Thanks for sharing.
12:53 pm
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