Skip to main content

No one is reading what I'm not writing

hun-ger
n.

1. A strong desire or need for food.
The discomfort, weakness, or pain caused by a prolonged lack of food.
2. A strong desire or craving: a hunger for affection.

I have been hungry for most of my life. I don't want to die hungry. For the most part my hunger is not physical. Although sometimes it is. But I know that it is easier for me to fill up with food in order to satisfy this emptiness.

I know that I need to address the different forms my hunger takes, but instead I continually fall into the trap of believing I will be happy if I can just be thin. All of my problems will magically disappear. The hunger will subside if I can be a size 10. If I can look hot in a bathing suit I will no longer feel lonely.

If only those jeans will fit me again. If only I didn't have such dumpy legs. If only I had a perfect body that everyone envied.

I had a very good run of feeling better about myself. The exercise had a lot to do with it, but I still haven't lost much weight. I am still around the same size I was a month ago.

I have avoided the scale. It is becomming a problem. How can I progress if I don't really know where I am or where I need to go?

These are good questions. I don't have the answers.

Why am I obsessing again? Why has the self-loathing returned? Why do I feel so fucking hungry?

I want answers.

Coming face to face with the lack of fulfillment in my life in work, relationships, etc. is not easy. Eating chips and drinking lots of red wine, well that is much easier.

There is no problem the compulsive eater will not try to solve with food.

Comments

Belladora said…
Food is always the first thing I turn to. ALWAYS. And it's generally greasy, fast food that makes me feel better. And if I'm really feeling down in the dumps, I don't even regret it after I eat it. But I do when I weigh myself the next day. I don't know what it is that makes us accept ourselves. I've found over time that while I still sometimes find myself unhappy with life, the time I AM happy is becoming more and more frequent. My closest weight loss friend is actually the person who pushed me to start seeing myself as beautiful when I look in the mirror. At first it was hard. Maybe 1 day out of 10 I saw beauty. But then it started becoming more frequent. And now the only time I don't see beauty is when I don't do my hair and put makeup on. So I still have work to do. But the thing is you have to accept yourself for who you are and what you look like. It ultimately doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. The only person who can make you happy or unhappy is YOU. And if you look in the mirror and see beautiful then you ARE beautiful. I struggle with a shitty job everyday, and there are many things in my life I have regret over that bring me down sometimes. I walk everyday because it clears my head. It's like meditation. I don't do it anymore for exercise...I do it for me...for my peace of mind... You'll find balance within yourself. You just have to believe in YOU.
11:58 pm
k8 said…
If I can look hot in a bathing suit I will no longer feel lonely.

omg that is so me. i ask myself all the time what my problem is. will i finally be 100% happy if there are no longer big batflaps under my arms?

k8
4:18 am
drstaceyny said…
Great post! Good luck with your journey. . .
11:15 am
Denise said…
My thoughts exactly and expressed more coherently than I could hope to do myself. Thanks for sharing.
12:53 pm
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A trip down memory lane

Hello to all of you all of you coming via Michele , thanks for stopping by and I only hope it was worth the trip over. I began reading through the questions on the Slimmer of The Year application today. Of course there are so many things I want to include, but I can't possibly write everything I want to or they will be getting a novel. When I started thinking of how long I have been overweight and the reasons I struggled for so long with food and weight issues a lot of memories came back to me. I've been challanged by my weight for most of my life. Granted some of that time I only thought I was fat when I really wasn't. The point is that I have been fat inside my head for as long as I can remember. One of the most shameful and embarrassing moments was when I was 15 and some of the boys in my class thought it was funny to sing "thunder, thunder, thunder thighs hooooooo!" when they saw me coming to the tune of the cartoon "Thunder Cats." That experie...
20 comments
Read more

Not working

I don't know where to begin. I didn't even want to post. My instinct tells me that because I don't want to, it may be the best thing to do. I haven't weighed myself, but I've had a few very bad days. I went out on Friday night and drank an unknown amount of gin and tonics and then I ate almost a whole bag of kettle chips yesterday. I put on a pair of my size 12 jeans that should fit and are too tight last night. Damnit! I have a lot of cute clothes that I cant go anywhere near because of about 3 kilos. This 3 kilos is doing a lot to depress me right now. I stopped tracking my calories because I don't even know how much alcohol I consumed on Friday night and who wants to know how many calories and fat are in an entire bag of chips? Not only do I feel like shit, but I can't seem to motivate myself either. I know that the way I am feeling is not new and I will work through it, but right now it feels pretty much like a death sentence. It is not that I don...
16 comments
Read more

Double your pleasure, double your fun...

Halfway through I do switch gears and talk about weight-loss once again [begin political rant] Recently I went out with one of my aussie female friends on a night where she was meeting up with a guy she had met on one of the match websites. That night I did happen to partake in a few too many drinks due to the price of one of my favorite bottled beers being only $4 compared to $7 or even $8 in some places. The man she met happened to be very nice, and I enjoyed speaking to him, but he had a friend with him who was with a female the likes of which I refer to as "granola". You know the kind. I don't like to contribute to stereotypes, but I hope the term "granola" is not in the least offensive to any of my readers. I like; it is good with some honey and milk. Anyway to get to the point the man friend and ms. granola appeared to not like me and it became increasingly clear why. With every comment I made about anything they seem to have the exact opposite opinio...
18 comments
Read more