I have been thinking about weight-loss, I just haven't been doing anything about it. I feel fat. I feel disgustingly fat. I haven't weighed myself since last weekend when the number 68 glared up at me from my digital scale. Last night I drank beer and ate pizza while watching an AFL final.
I don't want to see anything higher than that, and the truth is I'm just afraid. I've been drinking more, and generally just eating more. The stress of the past few weeks has really affected me and I don't know what is going on. I'm eating as a coping mechanism again. I don't know how to stop this train wreck. But I am thinking about it. I am.
I just got off the telephone with my brother who is at wits end. He is stressed, tired, and angry. I'm sure he didn't mean to spend 30 minutes blowing off steam to me on the phone, but that is what he did. I'm sure he needed it.
My parents are going back to their home this weekend and are going to live in it while they do everything they can to start the process of rebuilding what needs to be rebuilt, and he is going to help them every weekend by going over and helping them take up the water ruined carpet etc. The insurance company has already put a tarp over their roof so that more water can't get in. My dad does still have a job although with gas prices being as they are I can't even imagine how he will get back and forth. He used to carpool, I don't even know if he can still do that or not.
My mom and dad weren't available to talk to me because they were going back to the food stamp office to see if their EBT card had arrived yet; I may have to wait another day for them to call me from their home. I know their phone works because I've gotten their voice mail when I dialed it.
My dad's employer paid him 2 weeks pay as disaster relief aid, and they should get assistance from FEMA, but I don't know when.
There has been a few things happening in my life that have been really good. On Friday night mr. ralph and I celebrated my new promotion at work and as it turns out my permanent residency too. I am now allowed to come and go in Australia as a resident for 5 years. We ate at a beautiful restaurant called Red Ochre. I felt guilty to be celebrating with what is going on in the states with my family and everyone else that is displaced, but to be honest it was really good for us to do it.
We ate an assortment as our entree that included an emu pate, oysters, prawns, smoked trout, and some sweet potato gnocci. It was fantastic. I ate barramundi for my main that was cooked in bark paper the traditional way of the Aboriginal people and it was so melt in your mouth delish. Mr. ralph had duck and for desert we shared a banana dish that had crystallized honey and chocolate sauce with ice cream on the side. We also splurged and spent the night in a hotel room in the city. We had a little extra cash so we decided to do it for ourselves because it has been a long time we had something to celebrate.
Can you tell I still feel guilty?
I don't know when I will get on the scale again. I know I have to get myself together and I have to stop eating my feelings. I can't let the stress continue to affect my weight. That said, I don't really want to do anything. I just wish I could wave a magic wand and everything be okay again.
I don't want to see anything higher than that, and the truth is I'm just afraid. I've been drinking more, and generally just eating more. The stress of the past few weeks has really affected me and I don't know what is going on. I'm eating as a coping mechanism again. I don't know how to stop this train wreck. But I am thinking about it. I am.
I just got off the telephone with my brother who is at wits end. He is stressed, tired, and angry. I'm sure he didn't mean to spend 30 minutes blowing off steam to me on the phone, but that is what he did. I'm sure he needed it.
My parents are going back to their home this weekend and are going to live in it while they do everything they can to start the process of rebuilding what needs to be rebuilt, and he is going to help them every weekend by going over and helping them take up the water ruined carpet etc. The insurance company has already put a tarp over their roof so that more water can't get in. My dad does still have a job although with gas prices being as they are I can't even imagine how he will get back and forth. He used to carpool, I don't even know if he can still do that or not.
My mom and dad weren't available to talk to me because they were going back to the food stamp office to see if their EBT card had arrived yet; I may have to wait another day for them to call me from their home. I know their phone works because I've gotten their voice mail when I dialed it.
My dad's employer paid him 2 weeks pay as disaster relief aid, and they should get assistance from FEMA, but I don't know when.
There has been a few things happening in my life that have been really good. On Friday night mr. ralph and I celebrated my new promotion at work and as it turns out my permanent residency too. I am now allowed to come and go in Australia as a resident for 5 years. We ate at a beautiful restaurant called Red Ochre. I felt guilty to be celebrating with what is going on in the states with my family and everyone else that is displaced, but to be honest it was really good for us to do it.
We ate an assortment as our entree that included an emu pate, oysters, prawns, smoked trout, and some sweet potato gnocci. It was fantastic. I ate barramundi for my main that was cooked in bark paper the traditional way of the Aboriginal people and it was so melt in your mouth delish. Mr. ralph had duck and for desert we shared a banana dish that had crystallized honey and chocolate sauce with ice cream on the side. We also splurged and spent the night in a hotel room in the city. We had a little extra cash so we decided to do it for ourselves because it has been a long time we had something to celebrate.
Can you tell I still feel guilty?
I don't know when I will get on the scale again. I know I have to get myself together and I have to stop eating my feelings. I can't let the stress continue to affect my weight. That said, I don't really want to do anything. I just wish I could wave a magic wand and everything be okay again.
Comments
Own this now. Don't let yourself put your head in the sand much longer. As good as that sand feels, it can either comfort or bury you. It hurts, I know, but stand on the scales and tell someone.
Pass Mr. Ralph a peice of paper with your new weight on it. You don't need to write it in your blog but you do need to keep track. Knowledge is power.
When you are ready, things will kick in. You've lived that. You know it already.
Congratulations on your residency! One less pressure off.
I'm also really pleased to hear things are looking up for your family (and your cat). That is good news to hear.
Are you still coming to Melbourne with your friends?
Watch this space for a new girl soon.
This time in your life is hurtful and I don't even want to imagine the stress you are under. I don't think it is about finding a silver lining in a bad time of your life. I think it really identifies a time when things do go bad.
I don't have any answers, only that one suggestion. Staying accountable. Oh, and keeping yourself healthy. I believe in healthy body = healthy mind.
I'm glad you felt a bit of a kick in the butt from my message, sometimes you really don't know how people will take it. It was definately from a heart felt place, not a critical nor judgemental place.
C'mon, I'm living vicariously through all bloggers right now til my own body allows me to exercise the way I want and need.
Do what you have to do but make sure you don't let any time (time to make a difference) slip away. It's so easy for us to do.
You have all my support.