livingforrecovery

Hello. I'm here. I consider this my mid-week check in. I won't be avoiding the scales this week. I will take whatever comes my way and deal with it. I still feel very overwhelmed, if that is the right word. I am beginning to hate winter with a passion too. I've seemed to have kicked the overeating madness, at least for a few days anyway, and I've taken out the jump-rope and gone at it almost every morning and night (during commercials). It feels good to be doing something. I want to thank all of you for your comments, and concern. There were some very good points brought up, and I thank you for helping me think this through, but the battle is only just beginning. I think honesty rain , was right on the money when she said, "you've been working very hard with a singular mind on this difficult task of losing weight." My whole outlook has just been focused on the amount of weight I need to lose. I have become that girl , and not the good one. The o...

I'm mulling over in my mind what I feel right now. I don't know exactly how to put it in words. Horrible doesn't do it justice, but I do feel horrible. I feel grumpy too. I shouldn't have to tell my normal readers that this week was a bad one. I think the fact that I've not been around would give that away. I've gained somewhere between 1 and 2 kilos but that isn't even the worst of it. What is really bad is I don't have the desire to care about it. The desire to "get back on track" is just not there. What is happening to me? Am I sick of the up and down of this last few kilos? Definitely. But I can't fix what is driving it because I don't know what it is. Yesterday I made the decision not to go to my Weight Watchers meeting today because I knew the results would be bad. It has rained every freaking day this week, I've worked over time, and I've been hungrier than ever. You can see the cracks in my resolve in my acti...

Well, on Saturday I weighed-in at 64.7 and registered a loss of 800 grams. What a relief it was to see a loss instead of another gain. Gaining more than twice in a row doesn't do wonders for the confidence. But if yesterday and this morning are any indication, I'd say this week is off to yet another shitty start. Most of the day yesterday mr. ralph and I spent our time compiling evidence of our relationship so that I can become a permanent resident of Australia. The application is due by the 22nd of June and I'm basically running out of time to get my crap together to hand in. So we had over a friend to do all the witnessing of the originals as everything has to be certified. We ate takeout and I had the most enormous yiros you've ever seen along with a handful of chips, and they ate pizza. We had a few glasses of wine and he asked us to go with him to his house to play poker. We went along and picked up some booze on the way. Now at this very moment, I have a h...

I don't know what is wrong with me. Yesterday I ate so much for lunch that I felt sick for the rest of the day. That feeling was so horrible. Why did I do it? I don't know. Trying to psychoanalyze myself sometimes can be tricky. I don't know if it was just another case of self-sabotage relating to being scared to be at goal weight or a response to the bad feelings I had about my friend. And I still haven't talked to her because I'm feeling really stubborn. I want her to call me, if she doesn't then I'm just going to send her an email (after waiting a few days). I think if I have a chance to write it out then re-read it and have mr. ralph read it, then I will be able to communicate it better. Or I'm a chicken shit, whichever way you see it. There is nothing worse than the too-full feeling though. And the food I ate? It was a KFC Twister and my share of chips and fried chicken bites which I'm sure consisted of more lard and batter than chicken...

Yesterday was quite a busy day. Mr. ralph thankfully had the day off and drove me around everywhere I needed to go. I had to have an x-ray and an appointment with my surgeon as well as get my fingerprints taken at the police station so I can send away for my FBI background check. I also had a 5pm doctor's appointment so I could find out why the hell I'm not getting any better after being sick for a week. We went to the police department first because I wanted to get that out of the way at the beginning of the day, but they told us that it is better to go after hours because during the day they have a lot fewer people available to do the prints. We went to mr. ralph's mum's house because it is right down the street from the police department and spent an hour there before going into the city and having lunch. After lunch I stopped in to the Goodwill shop and bought a pair brown leather loafers for $3.50! She priced them so low because she said they were a "kid...

I weighed myself on Saturday morning and found that I had not gained weight, I was the exact same weight I was last Saturday morning. It was a real relief. What I've been mulling over this morning is how frightened I get when I eat a little bit more than normal. I mean, I'm pretty obsessed and fanatical right? You all know it. You can read all my archives and see how each chance there is of a slight gain, or god forbid I actually do gain weight how I freak out. I've been looking at some old pictures of me and I am very afraid of being that girl again. The one with the extra 40 kilos. The one who stuffs her face because she carries around so much emotional baggage. Why do I worry so much about that, when I'm not that girl anymore? I've learned so much. I don't know. Maybe it is the fear that keeps me going. But it is slightly insane. I'm still very sick, I feel absolutely miserable at night and my glands in my neck are still swollen. I cannot afford...

Last night I went out for dinner with mr. ralph and his family to celebrate his birthday. I of course ate like a pig. This restaurant was buffet style and well, lets just say I didn't make great choices, and to top it off I had apple crumble for dessert. The worst of it is I could barely taste any of it. I've been sick a total of 4 days including today and I've used it as an excuse to eat whatever I want. This must stop. I was going to go to work today, but my husband talked me out of it due to the fact that I was out for a few hours last night and by the time we came home my voice was shot to hell and I am on the phone all day at work. If that happened in that short span of time there is no telling what work would do to me. The reason I really wanted to work even though I am sick is because I am bored as hell at home, and well, because I don't have food staring me in the face all day long at work. Also I don't even know if I have enough paid sick leave to co...

Today is mr. ralph's 29th birthday. I made him breakfast in bed this morning even though I feel horrible still. I couldn't let his morning go by without doing something special. Just before he left I got upset at him because I was looking for our marriage certificate and I saw the state of our office. This place is full of meaningless paper stacked everywhere. Online articles etc. you name it, we've got it. Why we have to keep it I have no idea. The state of our office is awful. We need to get rid of so much stuff. I finally did find the marriage certificate though, which is good because I only have until the 22nd of June to turn in my application for permanent residency. I weighed myself this morning and am not pleased, but it is all to be expected. I've been doing absolutely nothing but sitting at home, sleeping, or eating since I fell sick on Monday night. I have decided to give myself grace for this week though and I'm not going to attend my WW meeting...

What else? Sickness. I'm miserable. And you know the kind of sick you are when you don't want to eat? Well, I found yesterday even though I felt horrible and my throat hurts, I still wanted to eat lots of food. damn it!! So I didn't feel 100% on the weekend, but nothing had really set in except I felt a little down and noticed a bit more mucus in the nasal/throat area. Nothing too major. I woke up on Monday feeling fine, except I didn't want to go to work as per usual. My carpooling buddy on the other hand sounded near death on Monday morning and she went to work anyway. I breathed in her toxic fumes all the way to and from work, and then on Tuesday night I awoke in the middle of the night with the most ghastly sore throat. Tuesday morning I try to convince myself that once I gargle with aspro clear and spray my throat down with Difflam (an anti-inflammatory for the throat) that I would be able to work. You know I talk on the phone all day right? Right. I got t...