Hello everyone. Hope you all had a great Christmas. I know I did. Did I eat a lot? Oh yes I did! Did I have a great time? But of course. I'm kicking mr. guilt in the head right now.
I haven't written in a while because I've been doing a lot of thinking. I know, that can be quite scary, but this has been the good kind.
I'd like to dedicate today's entry to a special man, my husband's late father who died today 2 years ago. I could fill thousands of pages with a tribute to what a great man he was, and how much he was loved by everyone. But today I simply want to remind everyone to celebrate the ones you love while they are here. Also, remember to be true to yourself, be true to your word, and be true to your friends. It is a very sad thing when a friend betrays a friend. There are wounds that are almost impossible to heal.
This entry is a testament to living. I have for so long been too forgiving and allowed poisionous people ro hurt me because I've felt that maybe I deserve it, this being a symptom left over from my abusive childhood where I told myself I was to blame for the way I was treated. I have taken a stand against this, and no longer will allow hateful people to stay in my life.
A week before Christmas I decided to give one of my Aussie friends the boot forever. You may remember her, she was the one that visited this blog a while ago and left a comment about how upset she was that I referred to her weight problems on my blog. She then decided I wasn't worth forgiving for being so thoughtless and telling the truth on my blog and told me she wanted a "break" from our friendship.
I was devastated. I felt really horrible for hurting her with this blog. It was a very difficult time because I was also in the very worst of my depression at the same time.
Now the reason I have decided that she isn't worthy of my friendship ever again has to do with something that she did which I can never forgive. Back just after hurricane Katrina wrecked my parents roof and had them temporarily without jobs and displaced she and her sister told me that their family was going to take up a collection amongst themselves and send it directly to my parents. I thought that was the most wonderful thing ever so of course to cheer up my parents who were experiencing one of the most depressing times in their life, I told them about my friends generosity.
After this girl got my parents address and told me she was sending the money I kind of forgot about it. My mom brought it up a few times to say it had not arrived but I told her to give it a little time since mail can take a while from here to there. But a few weeks ago my mom became really worried that this money order may be lost in the mail because she had something like that happen to her when she sent me birthday money a year or so back.
Now because I had been told by her that she wanted a break from me I went to work and emailed the sister to see if she knew why it was taking so long, and if they had kept the receipt on the money order so they could trace it.
Her reply was like a kick in the shins. It took her a few days to respond because she had to here the treachery first hand. She told her sister that she decided that since my parents were already back at work that she didn't want to send them the money anymore and sent it to the American Red Cross instead.
First of all I was not born yesterday and she did not send that to the American Red Cross. I'm 100% certain that she kept the money her family donated and probably bought something for herself. She spent it with the intention to send it, but forgot about it of course. And when she was reminded about it now decided instead of sending it (the right thing to do) she would lie because no one would know. To be fair, since I cannot prove she didn't give it to the Red Cross, it wouldn't change anything about the way I feel if she did. She told me she was sending the money to my family. They approached me and said they would rather give money to someone they knew that needed it. To then tell me they changed their minds?? Unbelievable.
To me this is one of the worst betrayals I've ever experienced from someone who was meant to be a friend.
Even in my letter to her after she told me she wanted a "break" I thanked her profusely for her kind generosity to my parents after the hurricane. That didn't make her feel bad, she didn't even have the guts to tell me herself that she didn't send the money.
As you can imagine this experience has caused me a lot of pain. I have had to lie to my mother and make her believe that the money order is indeed lost. To tell her the truth would break her heart and my heart being broken is enough. I've talked it over with my psychologist and have uncovered that it is causing me to comfort eat as well.
Not long after I talked to R. about it I had a nightmare in which my brother accused me of making my parents think that they had money coming for help in redoing the roof and that they spent money in anticipation and now it was all my fault. She made me feel guilty for telling them about it.
I finally wrote to her again, a few days before Christmas. A very short email to tell her that I am not interested in being her friend anymore and that I may never be able to forgive her what she did.
There has been no response. I didn't really think she would. What could she possiby say in her defense?
So that has given me some closure, except I still have thought about it since then.
You'll be pleased to note that the scale has not ruled my life. I weighed myself just after I wrote the previous entry and I weighed a nice 68 kilos. I haven't weighed myself since.
I've got a few ideas and plans in store for how I will live with my eating and weight loss efforts in 2006, but I save these for the New Years entry. I hope all of my readers have a very safe and happy new years. Take care and remember that it is okay once in a while to eat and drink just the way you want to.
Here's to a new year. Bring it on!
I haven't written in a while because I've been doing a lot of thinking. I know, that can be quite scary, but this has been the good kind.
I'd like to dedicate today's entry to a special man, my husband's late father who died today 2 years ago. I could fill thousands of pages with a tribute to what a great man he was, and how much he was loved by everyone. But today I simply want to remind everyone to celebrate the ones you love while they are here. Also, remember to be true to yourself, be true to your word, and be true to your friends. It is a very sad thing when a friend betrays a friend. There are wounds that are almost impossible to heal.
This entry is a testament to living. I have for so long been too forgiving and allowed poisionous people ro hurt me because I've felt that maybe I deserve it, this being a symptom left over from my abusive childhood where I told myself I was to blame for the way I was treated. I have taken a stand against this, and no longer will allow hateful people to stay in my life.
A week before Christmas I decided to give one of my Aussie friends the boot forever. You may remember her, she was the one that visited this blog a while ago and left a comment about how upset she was that I referred to her weight problems on my blog. She then decided I wasn't worth forgiving for being so thoughtless and telling the truth on my blog and told me she wanted a "break" from our friendship.
I was devastated. I felt really horrible for hurting her with this blog. It was a very difficult time because I was also in the very worst of my depression at the same time.
Now the reason I have decided that she isn't worthy of my friendship ever again has to do with something that she did which I can never forgive. Back just after hurricane Katrina wrecked my parents roof and had them temporarily without jobs and displaced she and her sister told me that their family was going to take up a collection amongst themselves and send it directly to my parents. I thought that was the most wonderful thing ever so of course to cheer up my parents who were experiencing one of the most depressing times in their life, I told them about my friends generosity.
After this girl got my parents address and told me she was sending the money I kind of forgot about it. My mom brought it up a few times to say it had not arrived but I told her to give it a little time since mail can take a while from here to there. But a few weeks ago my mom became really worried that this money order may be lost in the mail because she had something like that happen to her when she sent me birthday money a year or so back.
Now because I had been told by her that she wanted a break from me I went to work and emailed the sister to see if she knew why it was taking so long, and if they had kept the receipt on the money order so they could trace it.
Her reply was like a kick in the shins. It took her a few days to respond because she had to here the treachery first hand. She told her sister that she decided that since my parents were already back at work that she didn't want to send them the money anymore and sent it to the American Red Cross instead.
First of all I was not born yesterday and she did not send that to the American Red Cross. I'm 100% certain that she kept the money her family donated and probably bought something for herself. She spent it with the intention to send it, but forgot about it of course. And when she was reminded about it now decided instead of sending it (the right thing to do) she would lie because no one would know. To be fair, since I cannot prove she didn't give it to the Red Cross, it wouldn't change anything about the way I feel if she did. She told me she was sending the money to my family. They approached me and said they would rather give money to someone they knew that needed it. To then tell me they changed their minds?? Unbelievable.
To me this is one of the worst betrayals I've ever experienced from someone who was meant to be a friend.
Even in my letter to her after she told me she wanted a "break" I thanked her profusely for her kind generosity to my parents after the hurricane. That didn't make her feel bad, she didn't even have the guts to tell me herself that she didn't send the money.
As you can imagine this experience has caused me a lot of pain. I have had to lie to my mother and make her believe that the money order is indeed lost. To tell her the truth would break her heart and my heart being broken is enough. I've talked it over with my psychologist and have uncovered that it is causing me to comfort eat as well.
Not long after I talked to R. about it I had a nightmare in which my brother accused me of making my parents think that they had money coming for help in redoing the roof and that they spent money in anticipation and now it was all my fault. She made me feel guilty for telling them about it.
I finally wrote to her again, a few days before Christmas. A very short email to tell her that I am not interested in being her friend anymore and that I may never be able to forgive her what she did.
There has been no response. I didn't really think she would. What could she possiby say in her defense?
So that has given me some closure, except I still have thought about it since then.
You'll be pleased to note that the scale has not ruled my life. I weighed myself just after I wrote the previous entry and I weighed a nice 68 kilos. I haven't weighed myself since.
I've got a few ideas and plans in store for how I will live with my eating and weight loss efforts in 2006, but I save these for the New Years entry. I hope all of my readers have a very safe and happy new years. Take care and remember that it is okay once in a while to eat and drink just the way you want to.
Here's to a new year. Bring it on!
Comments
Im so glad you have moved on. You're right it is a self loathing that makes us go back for more 'kicks in the head'.
What a dispicable thing to do. Say you'll send money then not. Blah. Revolting.
Anyhoo, I might not be around for a little while (housesitting for Matt's sister in Melbourne), have a beautiful New Years and give my regards to Mr Ralph.
:-)
Ciao dollface
it sounds to me like you've had an attitude adjustment. that you are beginning to let go of the crap that is bringing you down. i say horrah. you deserve to be crap free.
wishing you an awesome new year. i have every confidence that you will be happier than ever.
I think my New Years Resolution this year will see me back here more often - for hints and tips.
Nice to find another Aussie blogger :)and we visit some of the same people *looks at Honestyrain*
I know what it's like to cut someone out of my life, and as hard as it is, you will feel better in the long run.
Great luck for 2006 success!!
I, too have had toxic people in my life and I know how freeing it is to allow yourself not to be associated with them, but also how scary and hard it is to take that step. Good on you for being able to have closure on this friendship.
I hope you have a wonderful, joyous new year!