livingforrecovery

It can happen to you! Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments on the pictures of me in my dress. That dress has held me mesmerized since the very moment I saw it. Although you can't tell it in the pictures I poured myself into it and it fit like a glove. What you can't see is the very bottom as it was floor length even with platform Steve Madden's on! I had to wear the highest heels I have, and no one could even see them. I have to say that I felt so beautiful with it on, the feeling was only second to my wedding day. The way the bottom of the dress floats when I walk is just so girly and pretty. The night was very fun. The turn out from my office wasn't huge, most of the people there were strangers to me, but I was feeling so good I made it a great time anyway. I introduced mr. ralph to my big boss (3 levels up) and his wife. After that they came up to us and asked us to dance! Mr. ralph was dancing! And he was doing a great job. They were giving awa...

And here it is! So what do you think eh?

Dinner tonight is mixed nuts and frontinac. Mmmm! Yummy too. I survived this week at work, just barely. Finally my team leader has decided to be super supportive and has been giving me a lot of off the phone work. It has helped, some . I don't really think I need to tell most of you this, but the answer to my problem isn't really as simple as finding another job. I wish it was, but I don't plan on living here forever and I am on workcover. It is complicated. End of story. I will work where I do until I move. I will take each day as it comes. And of course I will bitch about it here, because I can. I also can't simply turn on and off my emotions by telling myself I should be positive. It would be terrific if it worked that way, but because I am human I will continue feeling the way I do until something actually changes inside me. There have been a few changes. Most of them are good. I have lost a small amount of weight. I think I weigh around 67 kilos. I...

On the way home from work I saw a girl with the figure I want, but will never have. She was young; I think probably around 16 or 17. She was tall with lean legs and she was wearing a pair of trendy short shorts with a t-shirt. She also had amazingly perfect large breasts. I admittedly stared for a moment at her because she didn't have one single blemish. She is so beautiful. I couldn't stop myself from thinking about how I will never be that thin, I will probably never wear short shorts, and I definitely will never have those boobs. I wish I didn't look longingly at the things other people have and envy them, but I do. But I don't think I am the only one.

I just received an email from my friend basically telling me she believes I am sorry for what I wrote, but has decided that she wants a break from our friendship. She feels really positive right now and is sorry that I am "down in the dumps," and wishes me the best. Down in the dumps? I'm trying to understand her actions by telling myself that she simply does not understand depression or how it affects people. I will be okay. I will make it through this because I have mr. ralph, and he is the most amazing man in the world. He will never leave me. I wanted to write about this, but now I don't really know what else to say. I miss my home and my family so much right now.

I feel like I am living in a real life nightmare and any minute now I will wake up and discover that it was just a bad dream. I am still digesting what happened to me yesterday, so bear with me. I had the day off and was set to go into the city to pick up the brown dress off of lay-by and purchase some beads to make one of my dear friends a necklace when I stood up from the couch and had a very bad pain shoot from my lower back downward. I walked a few steps to see if it would pass and it did not. I ended up on my bed in tears because every move I made ended in searing pain. Mr. ralph rang my physio who sent one of her colleagues to my house for a home visit because the pain was so bad I could barely move. This was the first pain I've ever really felt in my lower back so I was very shocked and couldn't believe how bad it was. She stayed for a while to determine where the pain was originating from but it was too difficult because it felt too general and what I really needed ...

I just returned from the psychologist, who from now on I will refer to as R. I have to write now while it is all still fresh. So many ideas are swirling around. I've forgotten how insightful and amazing it is to have this time to talk without worrying about what the other person is thinking. And did I ever talk. There were a few themes, one of them being my friend that I upset by writing about her on here. I've been feeling so bad about hurting her and in talking about it with R. I realize how much I project the way I would feel onto other people. I assume that she feels exactly the same way I would in the same situation, but of course my friend is her own person. When I talked about my friend with R. all of the things I love about her were revealed and I also realized I probably have never told her these things. One of the main things that drew me to her as a friend is her confidence; I love how she feels secure and sexy and wears and basically says anything she feels ...

I have to think this is true. It has got to get better than this. Yesterday I received an anoymous comment from one of my real life friends because something I said on here about her offended her. I was devastated. After re-reading what I wrote I knew that if it were me I would have felt exactly the same way she does. I've apologised and tried making ammends but she is still mad at me, as she has every right to be. I haven't been the best friend I could be in the past few months. I've sunk into depression and in the course of that have avoided everyone I know. I haven't wanted to talk about it, I haven't wanted to do anything. Above all I haven't been interested or involved in anyone elses life. To put it simply I have been very selfish. Navel gasing is not attractive. Today I had to see one of my physiotherapist's collegues because she was booked out for the week and I was an emotional wreck for the whole thing. As I was leaving my normal physio s...

Yesterday was probably one of the lowest days emotionally that I have had in a long time. It wasn't that the lawyer made me feel bad, but talking about my health with her made it painfully clear that I am going to be like this for the rest of my life. Usually people develop degenerative neck disease when they are seniors. I am the lucky one that has it at the age of 30. After I walked around the city for a while, and put some cash down on the brown dress I went home and crawled into my bed. I can report that the pr0zac isn't really helping. Plus I broke one of the rules by drinking an entire bottle of wine last night.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a lawyer to discuss my workcover situation. For some reason this scares me, but I'm not sure why. Maybe because the future is on shaky ground? All I know is I'm frightened. Today I went in to work to get some of my workcover documents because I'm meant to take everything with me to the lawyer's office tomorrow and I asked my team leader if I could copy some of the reports they have that I may be missing. I didn't tell him why, but he seemed strange about it and told me he would do it and post them to me. Doesn't really help me for tomorrow though. I weighed myself for curiosity sake this morning and discovered that I am down to 67.6. This is good. The major side effect I am experiencing since taking pr0zac (today was day 4) is I am not very hungry. I didn't eat dinner last night but I thought it was mainly because I ate breakfast at 12pm and then lunch around 3:30pm. At dinner time I wasn't hungry and I had a b...

This is my new favorite website. Updated every Sunday. Check it out. This is my first day off. My GP gave me a week. I only hope that it will be enough. The main thing that is worrying me is I don't think I should continue working there at all, but I can't afford to quit. So what am I doing today? Watching The Simpsons. I woke up around 8 and called work to let them know that I wouldn't be coming in today, or for the rest of the week. I emailed my team leader to explain in more detail and left my phone # for him if he wanted to call me. Then I took some pain pills and went back to sleep. I didn't think I could fall back asleep but I eventually did and I slept until noon. My team leader did call but only to tell me he wants me to feel better and they (work) only want to help me. This is somewhat hard for me to believe, but whatever. I'm on my 3rd day of 20mg of pr0zac. I don't think they start to make a difference until around day 4 and real effects do...

I should have known or seen the signs, but I was in denial. I made an appointment to see a psychologist last week because I knew deep down that things have not been right since the beginning of my new injury. One might say it was the beginning of the end. I haven't been able to get control of my eating or exercise, I haven't been interested in seeing my friends, I haven't been interested in sex, or much of anything at all. I've been completely exhausted and work takes all of my energy. I have lots of pain and live day to day wondering what the next one will bring. I've cried a lot more than usual as well. You could say I am overwhelmed, but what you should say is I am depressed. I didn't want it to be true, but sadly it is. The psychologist was shocked that I am working full time hours. She had me do a psychological assessment. I will see the results on Tuesday. She is going to send my GP a letter regarding my mental health and I will be seeing her on S...

I was feeling better today, haven't spoken much to mr. ralph, but he did go to work so we shall see... I frocked up for a work competiton because today was Melbourne Cup Day. What do you think of my self-designed hat? And here is the outfit, funky eh?