If you go back and you read any random page of my years of archives you will see that my life has been a constant struggle. It seems to me that no matter what size or weight I was I was never happy with it. Always wanting to lose 5 more kilos, fit into that crazy dress. I starved myself for at least 2 weeks to get into that thing. I was obsessed with weight loss. There is no doubt about it.
Yes I had been overweight for sometime and had been suffering a lot from it when the whole crazy process started. The weight loss itself was a good thing until it became an obsession. I started reading other people's weight loss blogs and stopped my normal blogging and started this one, don't you love the title!?
I've had an online diary since early 2000, and look at this wow. Writing has always been an outlet for me and publishing my writing, even online was cathartic and therapeutic. I didn't always write about weight loss, I wrote of course about everything and everyone. Some people didn't like it when they found it. I never meant for them to find it, but we always get found out.
You may be wondering about now, where is she going with this? I don't know. All I know is I have something to say and found myself alone on a Saturday morning with it pouring down rain outside (something it never does here) and not a lot to do, well except clean my filthy room and take a shower. I can put that off for a few more hours.
Why did I abandon the blog? Some people out there no doubt still troll by randomly or hope in vain to see me pop up on their daily RSS feeders. I've gotten some comments wondering if I'm coming back. I've always gathered a following. If I weren’t me, I would read my blog. Now that sounds incredibly pompous. It is not how I mean it to sound, but it is true. I like it when people bleed onto a page.
I had for a while convinced my significant other to write a diary as well, he imitated me a little and wrote about his feelings and it was gorgeous. He stopped writing it when one of his brothers read it and went to his parents with it. He posts things now, but none of it is personal or raw. I'm a fan of raw.
So where was I? The abandoning of the blog, yes. I had a bit of a breakdown. I didn't end up in a mental hospital but sometimes I wonder if I should have. I left the home I lived in the entire time I have been in Australia and although I don't need to go into all the reasons, it was all I could do at the time. I ended up with my best friend, paying her to live in her small guestroom. It worked because we also worked together and she was having some personal hell problems too. They say misery loves company and it is a wise saying indeed.
By the time I moved in with her I had already gained a lot of weight. It could have been that the emotional torment (self-inflicted for the most part) I was in had me drinking a lot, and eating whatever I wanted. I remember many nights that I had alone just going home and drinking a bottle of red wine and eating potato chips for dinner while I cried about how much I was hurting.
My friend also drank a lot so I didn't have to hide it from her. She also let me cry but mostly, she just didn't judge me for what I was doing. What I didn't know at the time was that a doctor had misdiagnosed my hair loss as stress. This is important because after a while I stopped eating potato chips for dinner, although I still drank quite a bit, I hardly ate at all. And it wasn't until 3 months ago that a doctor finally diagnosed my thyroid deficiency. All those potato chips had no where else to go but my hips, thighs, bum and arms.
After a few months I had a mini wake up and a fight with my friend that pushed me to find somewhere else to live. I re-evaluated the drinking, although I still drank a lot the amount was reduced significantly and I started exercising. I only lost a little weight. I even rejoined weight watchers and was cycling. The scale refused to budge so I decided to quit weight watchers and just keep doing my best.
I'm on medication for my thyroid and after only 3 months the blood report was that the hormone levels are now normal.
"How long until I feel normal, until I can lose weight and it isn't so bad?"
The doctor says, "I recommend a dietitian for weight loss, but hang in there, it will get better."
It is laughable. Me go to a dietitian? I've done it all, read it all, and seriously DONE it all. I know what to eat, when, how much and where to lose weight. What I haven't figured out is how to quell the emotional hunger. Trust me when I say there is nothing a dietitian can tell me about dieting that I don't already know. I've read everything you can imagine on the subject and applied the methods. I was a walking science project. I know it all.
I've developed a real love of cycling. I just wish I could do it more. It is dawning on winter and dark most nights by the time I get home. It isn't that I don't want to exercise, because I do. What I want is an easy fix. I find life so fucking hard in every area. I don't want to be an obsessive woman again about weight loss. It was seriously not fun and when I was so thin I didn't even enjoy it! The week that picture was taken we were in Melbourne and I remember being obsessed the whole week thinking how fat I was. It is ridiculous. If I'm going to obsess about being fat, I may as well be fat.
Know what I mean?
So tonight, going out with my flatmate and her friends to celebrate her 21st. Last night she showed me the dress she plans on wearing. I think it may fit on my thigh. And I started getting all worried about what I am going to wear. I know I'm not the only one that does this, but I wish just once I could love myself the way I am.
To feel beautiful just as I am, not to judge myself for anything, to truly be happy inside myself: this is my goal. How do I plan to achieve this? I don't know. I have armed myself with a few books; The Mastery of Love is one of them. It is seriously an incredible book and I love the beliefs and ideas of the Toltec. I was so astonished to find that I've actually climbed to the top of the largest pyramid at Teotihuacan, which is just outside of Mexico City. It is known as the place where "man becomes God."
It is achievable, self-love. I plan to master it, but I also plan to keep writing now that I've dusted off the cobwebs. And with that I think I'll end this entry.
Yes I had been overweight for sometime and had been suffering a lot from it when the whole crazy process started. The weight loss itself was a good thing until it became an obsession. I started reading other people's weight loss blogs and stopped my normal blogging and started this one, don't you love the title!?
I've had an online diary since early 2000, and look at this wow. Writing has always been an outlet for me and publishing my writing, even online was cathartic and therapeutic. I didn't always write about weight loss, I wrote of course about everything and everyone. Some people didn't like it when they found it. I never meant for them to find it, but we always get found out.
You may be wondering about now, where is she going with this? I don't know. All I know is I have something to say and found myself alone on a Saturday morning with it pouring down rain outside (something it never does here) and not a lot to do, well except clean my filthy room and take a shower. I can put that off for a few more hours.
Why did I abandon the blog? Some people out there no doubt still troll by randomly or hope in vain to see me pop up on their daily RSS feeders. I've gotten some comments wondering if I'm coming back. I've always gathered a following. If I weren’t me, I would read my blog. Now that sounds incredibly pompous. It is not how I mean it to sound, but it is true. I like it when people bleed onto a page.
I had for a while convinced my significant other to write a diary as well, he imitated me a little and wrote about his feelings and it was gorgeous. He stopped writing it when one of his brothers read it and went to his parents with it. He posts things now, but none of it is personal or raw. I'm a fan of raw.
So where was I? The abandoning of the blog, yes. I had a bit of a breakdown. I didn't end up in a mental hospital but sometimes I wonder if I should have. I left the home I lived in the entire time I have been in Australia and although I don't need to go into all the reasons, it was all I could do at the time. I ended up with my best friend, paying her to live in her small guestroom. It worked because we also worked together and she was having some personal hell problems too. They say misery loves company and it is a wise saying indeed.
By the time I moved in with her I had already gained a lot of weight. It could have been that the emotional torment (self-inflicted for the most part) I was in had me drinking a lot, and eating whatever I wanted. I remember many nights that I had alone just going home and drinking a bottle of red wine and eating potato chips for dinner while I cried about how much I was hurting.
My friend also drank a lot so I didn't have to hide it from her. She also let me cry but mostly, she just didn't judge me for what I was doing. What I didn't know at the time was that a doctor had misdiagnosed my hair loss as stress. This is important because after a while I stopped eating potato chips for dinner, although I still drank quite a bit, I hardly ate at all. And it wasn't until 3 months ago that a doctor finally diagnosed my thyroid deficiency. All those potato chips had no where else to go but my hips, thighs, bum and arms.
After a few months I had a mini wake up and a fight with my friend that pushed me to find somewhere else to live. I re-evaluated the drinking, although I still drank a lot the amount was reduced significantly and I started exercising. I only lost a little weight. I even rejoined weight watchers and was cycling. The scale refused to budge so I decided to quit weight watchers and just keep doing my best.
I'm on medication for my thyroid and after only 3 months the blood report was that the hormone levels are now normal.
"How long until I feel normal, until I can lose weight and it isn't so bad?"
The doctor says, "I recommend a dietitian for weight loss, but hang in there, it will get better."
It is laughable. Me go to a dietitian? I've done it all, read it all, and seriously DONE it all. I know what to eat, when, how much and where to lose weight. What I haven't figured out is how to quell the emotional hunger. Trust me when I say there is nothing a dietitian can tell me about dieting that I don't already know. I've read everything you can imagine on the subject and applied the methods. I was a walking science project. I know it all.
I've developed a real love of cycling. I just wish I could do it more. It is dawning on winter and dark most nights by the time I get home. It isn't that I don't want to exercise, because I do. What I want is an easy fix. I find life so fucking hard in every area. I don't want to be an obsessive woman again about weight loss. It was seriously not fun and when I was so thin I didn't even enjoy it! The week that picture was taken we were in Melbourne and I remember being obsessed the whole week thinking how fat I was. It is ridiculous. If I'm going to obsess about being fat, I may as well be fat.
Know what I mean?
So tonight, going out with my flatmate and her friends to celebrate her 21st. Last night she showed me the dress she plans on wearing. I think it may fit on my thigh. And I started getting all worried about what I am going to wear. I know I'm not the only one that does this, but I wish just once I could love myself the way I am.
To feel beautiful just as I am, not to judge myself for anything, to truly be happy inside myself: this is my goal. How do I plan to achieve this? I don't know. I have armed myself with a few books; The Mastery of Love is one of them. It is seriously an incredible book and I love the beliefs and ideas of the Toltec. I was so astonished to find that I've actually climbed to the top of the largest pyramid at Teotihuacan, which is just outside of Mexico City. It is known as the place where "man becomes God."
It is achievable, self-love. I plan to master it, but I also plan to keep writing now that I've dusted off the cobwebs. And with that I think I'll end this entry.
Comments
I've missed this.
And I love you just the way you are.
You should, too.
*hug*