livingforrecovery

There's a moment, there's always a moment, 'I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it, and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet you there was one." I've been thinking a lot today about the choices I've made; it hasn't been a pleasant day at all. So yeah here I am writing again about how miserable I am. There seems to be a common theme going on around here. I write when I'm miserable and sometimes writing makes me miserable. It's a big catch 22 full circle bullshit situation. I want to write a novel and I want to use the things that have happened to me in my life as material... at the moment I'm recuperating from an accident and I've got a lot of time on my hands so today I started to write and in the process sent myself into a depression. I had to get out of here and it was ugly outside. It was just grey enough and rainy enough and cold enough to make it shitty, but not bad enough to make me stay inside. I boug...

I'm not in a good way at the moment. I'm struggling with a lot of things but the biggest one is pain and the thing is I have no option except to deal with it. I have no choice. Yes, that's right, no fucking choice. I have no magic cure or pill to take. In fact the crap they have me on I may as well not even bother with because it does absolutely nothing for me. I'd like to say a big thank you to all of you out there who have managed to abuse prescription painkillers because you are the reason I am unable to have some relief right now, Thank you very fucking much. I hope you enjoyed yourselves, seriously. The thought of you numbing your inner pain gives me a real thrill. "You can't have anti-inflammatory drugs," they tell me, "because of the bleeding you had on your brain; You also have to stop taking this one drug we've given you because it is highly addictive and after a while your body finds a way to bypass it's pain masking ability...

Well it has now been 4 weeks since the accident. And I've come a long way baby. I am back at my own place, finally being able to take care of myself and walk up and down my stairs. When Ashley dropped me off on Tuesday I didn't want to let him go. I cried because I've been very well taken care of by him and it was a joy to be able to see him every day. But of course it didn't take long for me to feel comforted by being in my own room, surrounded by my own things. There's something very positive as well about being able to take care of myself even though I am far from being 100% recovered. This week I've crossed the street twice where I was hit. I did it because I decided that the only way to tackle this thing is to be a fighter. I can't let fear get the best of me. I have to go on, life goes on. I don't really have much choice about that and the sooner I decide to get on with things in a positive way, the sooner I'll be okay again. There...

" Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have - life itself. " Walter Anderson I continue to have bad moments, periods of prolonged sadness and depression about my situation. I think I'm not only driving myself insane but Ashley as well. I want badly to be positive and think about the good things and not the bad but it is very hard. I'm in just enough pain to keep me from being able to do anything on my own except going to the loo and heating a cup of soup or getting myself a drink. I've never been a big TV watcher, even on my days off I'd spend half the day walking around rundle mall shopping or going for a bike ride. I have never watched so much TV in all my life, and I feel lazy and sad and lonely. I've yet to feel even happy about the break...

" When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. " Henri Nouwen I mean no offense to anyone with this statement because I know not everyone has a belief in a higher power, but I want to believe more than anything that God will give me nothing that he doesn't believe that I can handle. On Saturday the 20th of June I was walking, I was not 15 minutes from my destination and listening to my ipod. It was around 6:45am and the stars were still out. I must have been thinking about the music or where I was going. I was in a pleasant mood, looking forward to my weekend. I had to stop at Wakefield street to wait for the pedestrian green light to let me cross, and shortly after starting to cross the street a car turned onto the street, not looking, and hit me. The only thing I rem...

If you go back and you read any random page of my years of archives you will see that my life has been a constant struggle. It seems to me that no matter what size or weight I was I was never happy with it. Always wanting to lose 5 more kilos, fit into that crazy dress . I starved myself for at least 2 weeks to get into that thing. I was obsessed with weight loss. There is no doubt about it. Yes I had been overweight for sometime and had been suffering a lot from it when the whole crazy process started. The weight loss itself was a good thing until it became an obsession. I started reading other people's weight loss blogs and stopped my normal blogging and started this one, don't you love the title!? I've had an online diary since early 2000, and look at this wow . Writing has always been an outlet for me and publishing my writing, even online was cathartic and therapeutic. I didn't always write about weight loss, I wrote of course about everything and everyone. Some pe...