livingforrecovery

I should be feeling really good about myself right now. The weight is on the way down again. I only know this because of my clothes, because of course the scale is still a scary object to me right now. Tragic really. I do not want to see a number. At the moment feel like I love more than I will ever be loved. I know there is so much love that I have to give, but also that I have so much to lose at the same time because I give of myself so freely. Reminds me of one of my favorite Sarah McLachlan songs. You know which one? From Fear : But I fear, I have nothing to give I have so much to lose here in this lonely place Tangled up in our embrace There's nothing I'd like better than to fall But I fear, I have nothing to give But I fear, I have so much to lose It is so hard to give of yourself completely when you are afraid. I've been listening to my Sarah cd's a lot lately. I go through periods of time when I don't listen at all, and then I obsess and listen to e...

I don't know why, but this morning I woke up early and without anything better to do I looked at photos. This is me and Sarah. We ended our friendship on some pretty bad terms, but right now when looking at this picture I remember all the good times we had together. She was one of the first women in Australia I truly felt comfortable with.

The last day of our Anna Stewart Memorial Project we were asked to create something to present to everyone that talked about our personal experience over the last 2 weeks. One of the suggestions was to write a poem. I decided to join that group, but as I was sitting there around the table with the others in my group I felt this enormous pressure to write and nothing was coming out. Everyone at the table of course remembered from earlier that I mentioned one of the things that I do in my spare time is um, write. Yesterday on the bus I had to write. I had all these thoughts and feelings swirling around... I felt compelled and I didn't have a notebook but instead wrote on the back of something I had been carrying around in my bag. Today? Nothing. I had a very interesting session with R. this week. I felt like she did all of the talking. There was so much I wanted to say, but more importantly I did not want to hear her. Although this week I have noticed that I have lost weight ...

Right now I am thinking about the fact that my readership has dwindled to a rare few. Why? Maybe because I stopped being serious about losing weight? Maybe because I have offended some or most? I don't know the answer. I just know you aren't reading me. Also, I am happy that I don't have anything bad to eat in my house. I could eat an entire pizza, minimum chips, and an entire bag of doritos right now. Today was a very bad day. Toast? Tangerines? Banana anyone? Oh, I forgot to mention it is the first day of my period. Being a woman totally sucks sometimes. We experience emotions that are all over the place on a normal day, then we fucking have to bleed where blood should not be, and experience CRAMPS. I mean seriously, are you kidding?

The red shoes story hits far too close to home for me. I was reading more of it last night and I of course had to stop. So sneaking things that you need when your life is not fulfilling is a bad thing? Wow. Anyway, I am sick. I haven't been working because last week and this week is the Anna Stewart Memorial Project . If you don't know what that is, it is a mentoring project for women in unions in memorial of Anna Stewart, who was an amazing union organiser. It has been very rewarding and I still have a week left of it. I've already met some pretty amazing women too. I am very grateful for the opportunity to participate in this. Did I mention I ate cake for breakfast? The excuse is Friday was Mr. ralph's 30th and his mum's neighbour made this amazing cake and sent us 3 pieces last night. I ate half of one last night and Mr. ralph left one piece and it was so good I couldn't resist. I have been very lazy this weekend, but I am sick damnit! I have a pla...

hun-ger n. 1. A strong desire or need for food. The discomfort, weakness, or pain caused by a prolonged lack of food. 2. A strong desire or craving: a hunger for affection. I have been hungry for most of my life. I don't want to die hungry. For the most part my hunger is not physical. Although sometimes it is. But I know that it is easier for me to fill up with food in order to satisfy this emptiness. I know that I need to address the different forms my hunger takes, but instead I continually fall into the trap of believing I will be happy if I can just be thin. All of my problems will magically disappear. The hunger will subside if I can be a size 10. If I can look hot in a bathing suit I will no longer feel lonely. If only those jeans will fit me again. If only I didn't have such dumpy legs. If only I had a perfect body that everyone envied. I had a very good run of feeling better about myself. The exercise had a lot to do with it, but I still haven't lost muc...