livingforrecovery

SO .... I spent all day yesterday cursing and walking around muttering the number I saw on the scale under my breath. Trust me when I say I had no idea. You would think that since at one time I was obsessed with the scale and weighed myself almost daily I would have had some clue. But I have been living on another planet, one where alcohol has no calories and exercise is optional. I've been living as if I don't have to watch my weight. I remember saying once how I wanted to live like that.... I'm over it. I wanted to walk this morning and it is raining.

I weighed myself today. Fuck. This is very bad. I had no idea? How could I not know that I had gained so much? I am ashamed. I don't even want you to know how much. I wish I could say that I am motivated to change and feel excited about it, but I just feel like my lungs are filling up with water and I cannot breathe. I have not gained all of it back, that is something at least. But I have to start over again. I can't believe I once weighed 67 kilos.

Things are not well, not well at all. I have myseterious tummy pains that come and go which prompted me to go to the doctor on Monday and not go to work. While I was there I decided to do a little housecleaning and confessed to my ever increasing depressed mood. I told her I have gained weight, drink regularly (alcohol that is) and cry almost every day. To that she said, "Oh ok. I think you need to come back tomorrow so I can do a mental health plan." So I did. And she has referred me to a psychiatrist so that they can see if I am on the right medication etc, and to a psychologist because the one I have been seeing has not been that helpful, obviously. Oh and she said I need to reduce my weight. Recommendations: healthy eating, cutting out alcohol, and exercise. So I am now the proud owner of what they call a mental health plan, and I don't have the fondest clue of how to do the things required of me.